I am a firm believer in allowing babies to come naturally into the world, but I have to admit I’m getting just a wee bit antsy. For two weeks now I’ve been in the “you’ll have this baby any day now” category. Last Wednesday I was 100 percent effaced, 4 cm dilated and our low rider was at a station 2+. All that medical mumbo jumbo basically translated to: Get your bags packed NOW! Your baby is on her way.
Yes, birth was said to be imminent; yet, here I am having regular contractions and still waiting. In many ways, I am thankful to still be gestating. My baby is growing healthier and stronger every day she stays in my womb. However, it’s also driving me a little crazy. I’m having regular contractions and feel like I’m waiting on pins and needles – literally. My cervix feels more like a pin cushion because I’m constantly feeling deep, sharp twinges. (I never experienced any sensations like this with Madeline.)
But it’s more than the physical discomfort. I’ve never had much problems with the aches and pains of pregnancies. These have always been more manageable to me than some of the emotional challenges being “with child” can bring. Right now I feel like my life is on hold. I’m afraid to make any plans. My hubby Dave doesn’t want me to drive far or be away from the house for long periods of time. Dave traded his call this weekend all for naught. Now he’s on call the end of June and I have a fear that I will walk around, a gestating machine, and have the baby on my official due date (June 27) and Dave will have to be stuck in a radiology room instead of basking in the joy of new fatherhood. Even my day-to-day chores are in limbo. I’m afraid to drop off dry cleaning because I don’t want it to be left there hanging in plastic for weeks, forgotten in the post-baby chaos. A devoted meal planner, I’ve been hesitant to plan much of anything. Each morning I wonder if I should really defrost the pork tenderloin. After all, I don’t want it to go to waste IF today IS the day.
I know many women walk around dilated for some time, but from what I gather they usually don’t have a completely effaced cervix and a baby on the verge of popping into the birth canal (a station of 4 means the baby’s head is crowning for all you non-preggos) as well. Likewise, I know I should be thankful I’ve progressed this far with relatively little discomfort. Most moms-to-be have to work really hard to get to where I am. I only pushed for about 30 minutes with Madeline; I can’t imagine how quickly this baby is going to slide out when she’s finally ready to make her much-anticipated curtain call.
Above all, I do know that this waiting is good for me. This is yet another way God is subtly helping me to put my trust in him and to be more patient. I’ve been known to pray for more patience and to ask God to help to discern between things I can and should try to control (like how I treat my husband when he first walks in the door from a long day at work) to all the things I can’t control (like when this baby is going to arrive). God’s just answering my prayers. These last two weeks are forcing me to overcome anxiety and the constant question that lingers in my mind, “When will I meet my baby?” by a firm resignation to God’s will. Thy will be done. It’s a mantra I constantly repeat but still have trouble accepting. But pregnancy and motherhood, as I’ve said many times before, are certainly helping me learn to embrace God’s will for me.
So,Thy will be done…even if it means I am a freak of nature and will be walking around with a baby on the verge of dropping out at any minute.