Thank goodness for new beginnings. Today was a fresh start for me.
Earlier I called my mom and she heard crying in the background. It was Rachel Marie, who was hungry, but she thought it was Madeline. “Is Maddy okay?” she asked.
I burst into tears. “Probably not. Not after the way I treated her yesterday.” I then told my mom about the poop-on-the-floor incident (see my previous blog if you want the dirty details) and my mom, like always, offered me support and encouragement.
“You’re a great mom. Every mom loses it sometimes. Being a good parent is a tough, tough job. You need to cut yourself some slack.”
“But I don’t remember you ever losing it,” I said.
“Exactly, and Madeline probably won’t remember you losing it either. I had a terrible temper.”
“But you’re so calm now. You always seem so at peace.”
“That comes with age and a lot of prayer.”
“Mom, I was so scared by my rage. I could have hurt her,” I whispered.
“But you didn’t,” she said, “and sometimes it’s good to be scared. Maybe God wants you to need him more.”
Is it any wonder I feel like a less-than-perfect mom when my own mom is someone like that? Her wisdom is profound and she helps me in my own mothering journey nearly every day.
I do need God. Perhaps I’d become too complacent, too self-righteous. But I need him more than ever.
Today was a good day. Madeline and I did a craft together. She still complained about her bottom hurting and was constantly asking me to play with her. I didn’t always oblige, but I tried to hug her more and make silly voices to incite giggles.
This afternoon we visited the Atlanta Botanical Gardens with a friend. I forgot to bring Madeline a snack and my friend came to the rescue with a pile of Goldfish. “I didn’t use to be like this,” I told my friend.
“So forgetful. I used to be so Type A. Now I forget snacks and can’t keep anything straight.”
“You’re too hard on yourself. The only reason I have so many snacks with me is because I never clean my car. Look at it. You can tell I’ve never been Type A,” she laughed.
I laughed, too. “Okay, enough of the self-flagellation!”
It’s time to move forward and to stop beating myself up. It’s time to love my kids the best I can even when they’re not acting lovable. It’s time to humble myself before Christ and ask him for help. Maybe that really is why I hit an all-time mommy low yesterday. It’s just like my mom said: Maybe God wants me to need him more.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:6-7)