Every once in awhile, I stumble upon a blog post ridiculing a whole website or a specific blogger for being too much like Pollyanna. Recently, in fact, I read a series of posts on a self-proclaimed Christian blog criticizing another Christian blog for not being “balanced” enough and for putting too positive of a spin on life and mothering.
I’ve also seen my share of blogs poking fun at mommy blogs for being too simplistic and for only discussing things like poop or nursing. Likewise, I remember talking to a few acquaintances several years ago when the topic of mom blogs came up. One woman (who was also a mom) said she couldn’t stop rolling her eyes at moms who share photos of the product of their work – bright-eyed babies, messy-faced toddlers, and pouting preschoolers – and that any website that uses the phrase “hubby” made her gag.
I’m not going to identify any of these naysayers and/or link to any of name-calling blogs or posts because I don’t want to make this anymore personal than it already is (I do, after all, identify myself more as a mom blogger than anything else). Although I do find it terribly obnoxious when others write about how obnoxious others are (in fact, I’m annoying myself right about now), the purpose of me making a case for happy mom blogs is not to engage in a virtual gunfight.
Instead, I hope to explain why I believe blogs that focus on the good things in life and the joys of motherhood as well as sites that discuss the quotidian details of a mom’s life – everything from fashion to what’s cooking in the kitchen – are perhaps more necessary than mom-authored cheeky, snarky, “thinking” blogs that spend more time griping about the ills of motherhood or avoiding the topic of mothering and children altogether in order to come off as cultured and above all that kid stuff.
As a blog consumer, I personally most frequently look for writing that serves to inspire, edify, and/or encourage (as well as make me laugh; we all take ourselves way too seriously. Bring on the poop! Bring on the self-deprecating humor! Laugh at yourself a little). I don’t choose to squander my time reading blogs that make it their primary mission to scorn other or others’ worldview (and not so subtly elevate their own opinions), especially when it comes to mothering (I am far more tolerant of name-calling in the political realm than in the world of moms – especially Christian mom – blogs). Expressing opinions is one thing, but there’s a difference between presenting/defending my own worldview and tearing down someone else’s. Nor do I personally choose to read blogs that constantly discuss how hard it is to be a mother without ever redeeming the vocation or occasionally pointing out all the good things this vocation brings. We all have bad days, and writing about bad days can be cathartic. Suffering is real. But so is redemption. I like blogs that reveal both.
Although I do gravitate toward blogs that feature good, thoughtful writing, I also often look for a positive spin on things. We could all use a little more sunshine in our lives.
Over the next few weeks (months depending on how life goes), I plan to share several reasons why we need happy and sometimes even sappy mom blogs in our life. This week I’m exploring reason number 1:
We all know life is messy and hard, but it’s nice to be reminded that there’s plenty to be happy about, too.
I appreciate a healthy dose of realism, but I don’t have a problem with blogs that promote motherhood as something that’s 95 percent vanilla. Is it false advertising to only or mostly show the good side of being a wife and a mother? Nope. It’s positive advertising. It’s analogous to the campaign ads that highlight the accomplishments of the featured candidate instead of simply attacking the opponent. We’re not being dishonest just because we’ve made the decision to not constantly rant about how difficult being a mother is and how much it stinks to waste our brilliant minds and spend our days scrubbing mildew off the bathroom tiles. This is particularly true of blogs that promote themselves as Christian. Everything Christ did was to heal; maybe that’s what Christian mom bloggers should strive to do with their words, too. Like Ann Voskamp recently asked, we should be asking ourselves daily: What is our life (and our blog as an extension of our life) really magnifying?
Folks who regularly read my blog know that I am honest – but maybe not completely – about tough days. In fact, a lot of what I write seesaws between being endearing (and maybe even saccharine sweet) and “God, I have issues.” Sometimes I suspect I come off as too negative or too didactic. Then again, some of my darker posts and the ones I’ve been more afraid to write or put out there have turned out to really minister to people (my PPD, eating disorder, and miscarriage posts spring immediately to mind). Being honest isn’t always a bad thing. Sharing our failures and admitting our imperfections can be an act of humility. In our times of weakness, we can help others in knowing they’re not alone.
I’m not afraid to sometimes reveal my vulnerability or to admit that while I might “wear” my babies and nurse them and practice attached parenting more than any other form of parenting, my kids sometimes drive me crazy. However, I do try to end with high notes most of the time. I try to focus more on the good than the bad. Why? Because I vent and pout enough in my mind, to my close friends, my husband, my confessor, my mom, and to God (boy, does He get an earful) to host a constant whine-fest over here. Writing for me can be a good exercise in growing in faith and optimism. I’d rather count my blessings than collect grievances against my life, my vocation, and the people whom I love.
When I do share details of a bad day, I always feel sheepish because my worst day is probably a lot of people’s best day. My pain is nothing compared to what kind of pain is really out there.
You think that mom blog you just clicked over to is too perfect for you? Then don’t read it. Need more balance in your life? Then Google “human trafficking” or “bride burning,” and you’ll discover some people who have a lot more to complain about than a suburban mom. (There I go, getting all didactic. Sorry about that. The post I mentioned in my first paragraph really peeved me, and I’m taking it out on you, dear reader.)
Personally, I don’t need to see a perfect (or should I say imperfect) reality on blogs. What I really need are uplifting posts that bring more light into my life than darkness. Not that I think the authors of inspiring blogs live picture perfect lives. I’m no fool.
I know that the mom of many whose crafts are beautiful and exquisite still sometimes has hard days (lots of them probably).
I know the mom who writes about gentle mothering has probably yelled at her kids before.
Oh, and that foodie mom probably has served her family something out of a box, but she’s not going to write about it or show pictures of it when she can share the delicious details of miso-glazed sea bass with heirloom tomato salad.
And that mom who’s always writing heartening posts? Well, she just might be trying to silence her inner demons and keep her eyes on God and what He has given her rather than always writing about what’s missing and keeping her from leading a more fulfilled life. Life is hard. It’s hard for every mom blogger (and I’m willing to bet it’s even harder for a lot of people who don’t have an Internet connection, or blogs or a free soapbox to rant upon whenever they want).
I don’t need to constantly be reading about the shards of ourselves scattered across the ground. We’re broken people. I know that. I know it far too well. But we’re also given the grace to pick up the pieces. Perhaps more than reading posts that conjure up that broken image of humanity, I need reminders of that grace. I don’t need a no-spin zone when it comes to Catholic mothering; it’s okay to portray things in a positive light. As someone who’s occasionally prone to melancholy, there are days when I need to fill my mind with the sepia-toned, happy image of God picking up the pieces and holding us together.
Whether we consider ourselves mom bloggers or not, intellectuals or not, do we really need a daily diet of blog posts that chip away at us, who turn their nose at our happiness? I wish the moms who criticize the the Pollyannas out there (or assume they’re just too stupid to be sad or anxious; I’ve gotten that criticism before) would consider this: Maybe those women who always seem so damn chirpy have to make a daily, difficult choice to be happy. Our happiness doesn’t always come easy, and sometimes we have to fake it for the sake of our kids, our husband, and maybe even the rest of the world. What’s surprising about faking it, however, at least in my own personal experience is that it soon becomes easier to feel better. Just try smiling when you’re down. It takes effort at first, but then just the act of moving those muscles in your face somehow makes it feel more natural and warms you from the inside out. Maybe some happy bloggers are just trying to smile on their blog to patch things up within their homes or their hearts. I guarantee they’re not trying to make others feel miserable.
So much of society is sending us negative messages. Everywhere I turn, especially in secular culture, I’m being told that motherhood is hard and tough (and maybe not even worth it), that children are cute and all, but they’re also big burdens and raising them is all about learning how to manage an inconvenience. Oh, you know what else? Pamper yourself and toughen up at the same time. Take charge of your man. Androgyny is safer than embracing beauty and feminism and the risk of submission. And the icing on the cake? All that stuff I believe about God are a bunch of empty platitudes.
Sometimes, for me, it’s tempting to believe some of those things. I don’t need to mosey on over to a website and find a bunch of women bemoaning their endless toil and sacrifice as wives and mothers. I may not always be pining for sugarcoated picture of motherhood but if given a choice, I’d rather that than a cyanide-coated one. If that’s what floats your boat, sail on to deeper, darker waters. But what I need more than I even sometimes want are counter-cultural, uplifting words that pull me out of my self-imposed, over-thinking misery, and plop me down me in the light. I need mirthful posts that drag me away from my pity party. I need honest yet optimistic posts that ever so gently slap me across the face and say, “Look! See this cute, pudding-covered face of a child? And those stained clothes and carpet and walls? It. Is. Worth. It. The mess. The tears. The sacrifice. Don’t let society or anyone tell you anything differently!”
Personally, when I’m reaching out to fellow moms in the blogosphere, I’m often looking for the reminder that this thing called mothering is worth it, that this life is worth it, and that my belief in God is a choice worth making. Because you know what? I’m tempted to ask more frequently than I’d like to admit, “What’s the point?” There’s enough darkness and questioning and doubts in my own mind and everywhere else, why in the world would I want to go looking for more of it on a blog?
Bottom line, I’ll take Pollyanna any day of the week over Mrs. Doom and Despair who’s constantly airing her dirty laundry and sending messages like: “Life sucks and then you die. These children are soul and mind-sucking leeches. I wish I had my old life back.” Contentment is my goal, and focusing on what I’m lacking or theoretically lacking on my own blog or on others’ is sure to breed discontentment.
—
Stay tuned for Part II when I take a look at why blogs don’t need to be overly intellectual or have to force me to think about tough issues in order to be valuable.
Amen. I look for Mom blogs that do what my IRL friends do: inspire me to be the best mom / wife / daughter of God I can without seeming to judge me for my failures.
Yes! I heartily agree.
thank you so much for that, it really brought words to a lot of conflicting feelings i have had towards blogs. i LOVE yours for all the reasons you stated – such an inspirational catholic woman! definitely have to focus on the good and focus on smiling and then it becomes second nature. keep on writing :)
When I became pregnant all I wanted to write about was my reflections of being pregnant. Then when Joe was born all I want to write about is my adventures as a first-time mom. But I felt like I had to create a "balance" of mommy posts and other kind of posts since I have so many single readers or readers who aren't interested in having children any time soon. I follow these readers' blogs and they usually either lament on not having a spouse or complain about being annoyed at posts of only pictures of their children or nursing posts. I find myself apologizing sometimes in my posts for only focusing on motherhood, and I have to ask myself, "Why am I so worried abotu what they think?" Motherhood is the biggest part of my life right now. I know of other women who have just had their first child that also apologize in their posts. Isn't that sad? For the record I LOVE posts about poop! :-)
Kate, Thank you so much for this post. I REALLy appreciate it and REALLy needed to hear it. (This is precisely why I didn't want you to stop blogging!)
Things have been so overwhelming for me lately and I have been looking a little too longingly at the me I used to be. (thinner, richer, more rested, less worried) I NEED other women to look me in the eye (proverbally or literally) and tell me they feel my pain, know it's tough, and remind me that it's all worth it, it will get better, and I have been blessed.
And I have learned that those women who are super pretty and only have posts that reflect how together they've got it – well it's just best that I stay away from their blogs at this point in my life. :) Lesson learned.
Kate, this is a really great post. Fantastic. And so true! I get enough snark in day-to-day interactions and the unfortunate times I click through to mainstream media sites…I can do without the snark in the world of Mommy bloggers. And the blogs I read (including yours, obviously) all have had a collective effect of helping me learn to be content with my life. Since I started blogging, I've been happier about where I am and what I'm doing. Even my husband has noticed and has told me numerous times how grateful he is that I've finally found a sort of community, even if it's online.
I don't know why some mom bloggers spend their time tearing each other down. In the end, what does that accomplish? Nothing, except spreading pain around.
Anyway, thanks for a great post. Again!
thank you for this!
I found myself beginning a blog in order to remind ME that being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom of 6 is a good deal for me and my family – and all the mess that seems to be what I remember each day isn't the part of my life that I should remember.
And the family overseas who reads the blog really doesn't need to hear me complain, they would rather hear about all the fun stuff we get to do here in the States.
God Bless You
Karen
This is why I look forward to your posts, Kate! Your writings are insightful, uplifting, REAL, compassionate, respectful, and FUN, all in turn – just like chatting with a good friend over a cup of coffee. If I close my browser or email uplifted, then mission accomplished! Thank you for your post, Kate!
I don't understand why some people have a problem with upbeat mommy blogs. I think it's great to celebrate the joys of motherhood; we all know that even the happiest mommy in the world has her struggles. I don't have a blog, but on my Facebook page I often post about the high points of motherhood. The one thing I try not to do is brag. It doesn't happen often, but every once in a while I come across a mommy brag which is full of posts which seem to be bragging about what a great mother the writer is. That is the one thing that I find irritating. Otherwise, I love the sappy mommy posts!
It's taken me a long time to figure out which blogs were really good for me to read. I'm someone who can only take the happy mommy blogs in VERY small doses (and only when I'm already feeling pretty sure of myself and content with my life). Happy blogs tend to fill me with either jealousy or despair (at least part of the time). Even when I know that it's probably only a small part of that person's life.
I'm uplifted by the complaints, by the accounts of horrible days, self doubt, and desires to escape the life of mothering young kids. The reason is that when I read that stuff, I can relax and think okay, the difficulties of my day to day life are normal. Feeling this way (at least part of the time) is normal. Other moms go through this, and they don't seem like horrible people, so maybe I'm not horrible, either. Other moms love their kids, too, but feel desperate to get away from them sometimes. It's reading that stuff that helps keep me sane.
I think you're right that neither kind of blogger should look down on the other. I think, though, that you have to understand that Mrs. Doom and Despair may actually feel much better for "airing her dirty laundry," and that other moms may feel much better for reading it. This may help them be better moms to their families in the end.
–Elizabeth B.
Thanks for all the comment love. :-)
Maggie, I've been there, fretting over what some of my known readers might think about a particular post. It can drive you crazy, so now I either try to write what's on my heart and/or mind or on a good day, I'll ask God to guide me. " What do You want me to put out there today?" Not that I don't still sometimes second guess myself.
Elizabeth, I get what you are saying as well. There have been times when I've read a certain, upbeat blog and felt like a loser mom, and sometimes I do force myself to steer clear of any blog – happy-clappy or otherwise – that cuts me down to size. Periodic blog fasts are very good for me. Yet, I've also wondered if my feelings of envy or unworthiness are at the root of the main sins I struggle with – pride and vanity – and if I shouldn't work on reading things that might evoke jealousy, etc. and release these negative feelings and replace them with feelings of gratitude for this person's blessings. I'm not speaking for others here. This is just what I've dealt with personally.
Also, I have to echo what Michelle wrote. I want bloggers who would make good friends. I had a friend once who always complained about everything. What they say is true: Misery does love company and soon I started griping more, too. I even remember complaining about my husband, which was unfair to him and our marriage. The relationship was toxic. Thankfully, it faded away. This isn't to say friends shouldn't be able to be honest or to even vent on occasion. I vent to my mom all the time, and she's eager to listen and help me find graces in tough moments. And we usually end our conversations on an upbeat note. I guess that's what I want from bloggers, too. I want some honesty, but I want some hope, too.
Finally, sometimes what I want isn't as important as what I need. That's why I said that if given a choice, I'd choose (or perhaps force myself) to choose blogs that share more light than darkness and if that light makes me feel icky, then that's something I need to address in prayer.
Anyway, I hope this blog will serve to encourage whether I'm sharing photos of my precious progeny :-) or talking about my struggles with PPD, spiritual dryness, body image, etc.
And if my words leave you feeling deflated, chalk it up to my humanness and please click away (or drop me an email and let me know if something didn't sit well with you).
God bless you all.
Oh, and one more thing. I do believe it's good to sometimes write about tough days in the trenches just like it's good for close friends to share their struggles and help lighten the burden for one another. However, I hope that as both a friend and blogger I wouldn't ever look down on someone whose glass always seems to be half full.
I'm thankful there's such a diverse pool of bloggers out there so that all of us can find the voice that speaks to us and helps us make peace with mothering and ourselves.
Blessings!
p.s. (last one for now, I promise. Dinner needs to be made!) I should have added, Elizabeth, that you're not horrible. You're normal. You're human. You're like me! :-) Every mom has those kind of feelings, although some of us have them more than others, I suspect. My temperament means the madness and the messiness of motherhood really tests me more than it does some of my more laid-back friends. There are many days when I'm pining for a nap, a break from the day-to-day 24/7 demands of motherhood, or just 10 seconds of uninterrupted peace. I've actually been feeling guilty lately because I've hired a mom's helper to come in two afternoons a week (and I haven't written about it either!). I'm mostly around, but this gives me a much-needed breather. My husband was the one who really encouraged me to do this; I'm thankful he did because it has made a difference in my overall mood and the rhythm of our week. Someone once told me that good moms recognize their limitations. I agree, and I'll add that good bloggers aren't afraid to expose some of their limitations within, well, limits.
It IS comforting to know other moms struggle sometimes like I do, but it's also uplifting to know that they get through it and that children are more blessings than burdens.
Okay, shut up now, Kate! You've rambled on long enough both in the post and combox! :-)
well said! :)
Great post Kate. There's no reason for anyone to tear anyone else down. We're all different and will all feel led to blog about certain topics and also to seek out blogs that help us become the best version of ourselves on any given day. I never understand when people get overly annoyed by a mommy blog since they have a choice whether or not to read it. For the record, I really enjoy reading your blog. You don't come across as a perfect, have it all together mom, but neither do you come across as negative about your vocation of motherhood. Great balance, in my opinion, one I hope to create on my own blog.
As far as I'm concerned, anyone who has a blog is free to write absolutely whatever they want–totally happy all the time, or totally complaining all the time! And everyone is free to read or not. If I find that a particular blog starts to get under my skin, I've learned to just stop reading for a while and go back when I'm feeling better about life.
For the record, Kate, I think your blog is pretty balanced about life. And good for you for hiring a helper. My mother-in-law retired this year, and has been helping me out probably about once a week. It makes a big difference, doesn't it?
I have three kids so far that are close in age to yours (my strong willed oldest girl is 6, my son is 4, and my little one is 1). I think I started reading your blog after your Inside Catholic article about nursing at mass (loved it).
Congratulations on number four!
–Elizabeth B.
Thanks, Elizabeth! I'd email you directly if I could, but I just have to add we're on the same page here. A blog is basically a personal narrative and what makes them interesting (or not) to readers is that it is personal and has its own unique voice and "flavor," and like both you and 8littlearrows commented, people are free to read it or not. No need for someone to write a series of post bashing another blog (like the one that spurred me to write all of this in the first place) for being too golden.
This is sort of related, but something that popped into my mind last night was how the Psalms are sometimes full of joy and gratitude but other times they do convey a "woe is me" tone in their lamentations. Yet, both are helpful for me to read at different times of my life. Perhaps the same is true for blogs for most people.
Thank you for everyone's comments on me striking a decent balance. This is what I strive to do (too much perhaps sometimes that it causes me to over-analyze my words too much). I pray God can continue to help gift me with the right words at least some of the time!
Elizabeth, too bad we don't live close. We could get our strong-willed daughters and little ones together and lift one another up. :-) (And thanks for the congratulations on number 4!)
Have a good weekend!
Kate,
You DO strike a wonderful balance — you are thoughtful, fun, "real," happy, sad, busy, and ALL of those things we should all recognize in our lives.
I've become quite a reader of Mommy blogs in the last 2 years (yous, Melanie's, and Michelle's are way up there). For me, Catholic mom blogs help me find that community that I don't have in real life.
I don't have close Catholic friends and, really, just a few nonCatholic friends I can share personal things with. This is not a woe-is-me comment — it's just what my situation is right now.
But I've been so inspired and lifted up by reading blogs about Catholic moms and their families — the good, the bad, the fun, the hard… It's real life. Even though my life is different than many of the families I read about, I'm blessed by so much that I read.
I agree with Michelle's comment, I read blogs of women I'd love to have as a friend IRL. So I don't have someone to pop over for a cup of coffee in the morning, but I have blogs I can read and (occasionally) comment on. Just like IRL friends, I agree with you too — bloggers should be able to share the full range of our life experiences that they choose to share!
I'm starting to consider starting a blog — mostly because I feel like I'm not "participating" enough by reading and commenting, as if I'm "cheating" somehow without my own blog! I'm still thinking and praying about it to see if it's right for me and our family yet. But IF I do, I'll strive for the same kind of balance you find.
Thank you for this post!
I love Pollyanna! Great post!
Great post! My blog is focused on being a working mother. Being a mom is hard. And when you add work outside of the home, it adds another challenge. I could write about my crazy, rushed mornings, the work piling up on my desk, the annoying thing my husband did or how my heart's desire is to be at home. But I choose not to. I want to bring to light the positives. That even though things might not be exactly as I would like them to be, I can still bloom anyway!
Mary Ellen
The Working Home Keeper
Thank you for this excellent post! I completely agree with you. I am a new blogger, and I admit that a little fear keeps me from posting some days. I really needed to read this today! I am looking forward to part two. Keep up the good work and congratulations on your pregnancy!
Amen! I find that if I spend time with inspiring, heartwarming blogs my walk in faith is somehow easier – and when I dabble too deeply in snarky blogs that I start "borrowing" some of the sarcasm. I'd rather spend time with ladies who understand the power of a positive word – even when blogging about tragedy ;)
I LOVE this post and can't wait to tune in for part 2. It makes me want to be a more Pollyanna-esque blogger. We all know that there's a negative side to life-we aren't delusional. But I agree, I'd much rather read something uplifting that reminds me the good days are worth the bad days.
I think there's a great mix on your blog-I do appreciate sometimes knowing I'm not the only mom who feels the things I feel, but mostly I like seeing adorable pictures of your girls and hearing about how much fun it can be having a "big" Catholic family (even though I know 3 and one on the way isn't really that big, to most non-Catholics it is!)So I like your more somber posts and the silly ones both.
Yes, yes! This is my favorite thing you said: "Maybe those women who always seem so damn chirpy have to make a daily, difficult choice to be happy. Our happiness doesn't always come easy, and sometimes we have to fake it for the sake of our kids, our husband, and maybe even the rest of the world. What’s surprising about faking it, however, at least in my own personal experience is that it soon becomes easier to feel better. Just try smiling when you’re down."
I also practice mostly an "attachment parenting" style of mothering, and I find it disheartening to hear others just going thru the motions, like they have no joy and are only parenting that way because they feel obligated to. Of course, there are times many of us feel that way, but getting to that point where you *embrace* mothering – which you might have to force at first – because you realize, especially after the first child goes through the baby and toddler years, that each stage is fleeting, and nothing will be forever. If there are sleepless nights and such with the second and subsequent children, if one has gotten to the point of embracing it, then she can look back at the first child and say, "See, that didn't last forever," and hopefully relax and enjoy it more.
I SO agree with your post- keep writing!
This is a GREAT post, Kate- so refreshing!
Thanks for writing it. :)
Thank you… this was awesome!!
:)
Wonderful post! Can't wait to read more.
(popping by from "In the Heart of my Home :)
Thanks for stopping by, Suzy Q. Just so you know Part II has been posted. :-) Here's the link:
http://www.katewicker.com/2011/03/case-for-mom-blogs-part-ii-thoughts-on.html
God bless!
I'm not a mom (yet), but I am a blogger and I very much enjoyed this post. Thank you so much for sharing your point of view, and I wholeheartedly agree with it.
Kate,
What a timely word!!! What a sacred echo (my friends favorite phrase)!!!!
I have just come to a place where I really know what defines my blog. To be fair, my readership is next-to-none ;>, but I still felt like I needed to do some sifting where it comes to writing and reading blogs.
Your post is wonderful and so, so true. That coming from one of those over-anxious, over-thinking, in-your-face, get-with-the-program types.
What I found true for myself is that I really don't need any encouragement to get riled up about something. Watching reputations get massacred and motives questioned in the blogosphere makes my blood pressure rise to unhealthy levels. It gets my ire up and before I know it, I am wanting to enter into the fray swinging.
It's really not a good scenario. ;>
I've recently vowed to keep away from gloom and doom and blogosphere controversy. There is the time and place for a good debate, and sometimes for a good fight. Blogs are not the place for it…. not for me anyway… it's not dialogue… no real chance for change or understanding in that medium.
I'll take the sappy, happy mom blogs!
Great post!
Blessings,
Kara
Good job Kate!
When I'm scanning the blogosphere I appreciate the mom blogs that find beauty in their day to day life. Its so important to have a little encouragement from others, while sharing about ways to deal with our common problems.
I've just started a blog and I feel like I want to write about good things in my life as a mom much more than the sometimes annoying, irritating, or just plain dirty. I feel as a way to evangelize for real motherhood an honest but beautiful telling of motherhood is needed in the world to change hearts and society towards one that values family.
I am just catching this post today and really really like what you've said. I think I feel a lot of this (and hope others get it with my writing, too.)
Steph
oh, thank you! i LOVE these words. i whole-heartedly agree. my friend [she's right up there…steph!] linked this to me and i'm so thankful she did.
Re: the comment “sometimes we fake it” …PLEASE STOP! I wish moms would just break down, have a tantrum, something messy and chaotic on their blogs! I am SICK of the perfect photos and ‘Real Simple Magazine’ inspired arrangement of vintage collectibles intespersed with Pier 1 stuff intespersed with yet-another-precious-adorable child shot. Even if they are frazzled the parents always appear cutely frazzled, in an adorakable Zooey-Deschanel kinda way. PLEASE STOP FAKING IT. STOP STAGING EVERYTHING. That’s my issue with the sappier blogs. There is nothing wrong with seeing the beauty in everyday life, but there is nothing wrong with being confused, vulnerable or messy either.
Hi, Shelby. Thanks for your comment. I agree with you 100 percent that there’s nothing wrong with being confused, vulnerable, or messy either. If you read through my archives, you’ll find plenty of posts that reveal some of my bad days. I’ve shared meltdowns from my kids – and from me. I’ve written about days when my kids have driven me crazy, eating disorders, postpartum depression, and yelling too much. I don’t fake it (that might have been a poor choice of words), but I also don’t share every tantrum, scraped knee, every loser mommy moment, or family tragedy.
When I’m out in public, I’m not going to collapse to my knees in the grocery store because I just can’t handle one more minute of shopping with four kids (though I’ve felt like doing just that before and I did once breakdown in a parking lot when I discovered my keys were locked in my minivan). Similarly, blogs are public forum and so many moms probably aren’t comfortable with airing their dirty laundry.
I do believe we moms have to do a better job of not pretending like we all have it together all of the time and that we need to instead support each other and admit that we’re all just trying to do the best we can, but that, I’m learning, happens much better in real life than in social media. It’s so important to connect with moms in the flesh and not just online so you can see their expressions and read their body language. Sometimes the pretty clothes and makeup are no coverup for a mom who’s overwhelmed. Women are intuitive. We can be on the lookout for signs of burnout and help one another.
I actually wrote this happy mom blog series a long time ago and in fact, when I wrote it, I found that beautiful, inspiring, Pollyanna mom blogs were helpful to me. However, in the past year or so those kind of blogs and social media in general were not good for me to consume. They annoyed me or angered me or made me feel inadequate (or led me to squander way too much time as I’m doing right about now). So I stopped reading them. I had one blog that I knew was meant to be uplifting and at one time was actually a favorite of mine, but all of sudden it just made me roll my eyes or feel like she was either bragging or I was just a worthless piece of you-know-what. But then I realized that the problem was me – not how she chose to portray motherhood – and based on her filled combox a lot of women were inspired by her seemingly “perfect” life. I had no business criticizing her or her style. The issue was something going on inside of me. I was very lonely at the time and needed some real mom friends like I alluded to above who would show me I’m not alone in the joys – or the sorrows – of motherhood or life in general.
My husband was once looking over my shoulder when I was perusing photos on an uber mommy blogger site about a party she had just thrown, and he said, “That is ridiculous.” He saw it as so staged and absurd and if I’m completely honest, I did, too, but maybe this mom really loves throwing parties. That’s her thing. It seemed way over the top to me, especially for a bunch of 3-year-olds, but, again, maybe I was the one who just needed to click away from the site.
I really try to not be too quick to judge mom bloggers and to always remember the grass is NOT greener on the other blog.
Also, my husband and I were recently blessed to have our first get-away in years without the kids. We were at gorgeous beach for a long weekend, and my husband joked that I should post a photo on FB with some snarky comment, “Wish you were here…” (My husband finds FB status updates to be just a nice and more acceptable way of bragging.) See, I get it that it’s annoying to only see the rosy side of motherhood, but I also completely understand why most moms choose not to share the icky moments. One just common sense reason is that once you put something out on the Internet, it has permanence. I don’t want my kids years from now to find a post where I talk about how I hate motherhood when it was just a moment that I was hating it or when I go on and on about how I can’t take it anymore. Um, they get enough ringside seats to my breakdowns in real life. The last thing they need is to know I’ve been sharing my lamentations publicaly. That’s what my Sylvia Plath-ish journal is for. ;-) Likewise, I’m not going to share too many unflattering photos of my kids – no matter how funny it might be – because I don’t want to exploit them and have them be embarrassed down the road. I’d rather show the cute kids pics that have the potential to make others gag than to risk damaging my relationship with my kids; however, you’ll find that I poke fun at the ridiculousness of sharing only the most precious photos of my progeny.
So maybe the problem is really social media. Maybe it’s a bit too voyeuristic for us to completely expose our skeletons and cobwebs and disorganized shoe baskets. Maybe mom bloggers could afford to be a but more authentic at times, but maybe readers could afford to be more charitable, too. People will email or comment rude things in a combox that they would never say to a mom’s face. I’ve seen so much hate being hurled online – another reason I chose to take a step away.
And perhaps I shouldn’t have used the expression “faking it” in my original post because if you read between the lines, what I was really trying to say, and perhaps failed to do so because my writing skills were lacking, is that sometimes we put a smile on our face just to get through the day. There have been times when I’ve been on the verge of collapse, and I’ve just chosen to smile or even lose myself in laughter and, amazingly, some of the feelings of being overwhelmed go away. So I wasn’t just talking about blogging but living. How are we going to embrace motherhood – begrudgingly or with hope? When it does suck, are we going to wallow in the suckiness or maybe see if we can fake it just for a bit to get through the day? Surely, we don’t drop the F bombs in front of our children regularly even though that’s what some of us may want to do. Or maybe we really want to guzzle gallons of wine but instead play Go Fish for an hour. That’s a form of faking it, and I think “faking it” in this case is taking the higher road.
Also, we don’t “let it all hang” out even in everyday conversations, but I think there’s sometimes this pressure because of the over-sharing involved in social media to divulge all our dirty secrets. But what does it really mean to be authentic online or otherwise? I explore some of this further in part 3 of this series, which you can find here. But a snippet from the post is this:
“How are you doing today, ma’am?” asks the grocery store clerk.
“Fine, thank you. And you? Wait. I take that back. I’m working on being more authentic. I’ve had better days. My mom isn’t feeling well, and I’m worried about her. Neither is my grandma. She ended up in the ER on Sunday, and the retirement dinner my husband and I had planned for my dad had to be postponed. My father-in-law isn’t in good health. He had fairly routine surgery, but his incision split open, and his healing process is now pro-longed and he’s losing crazy amounts of weight. And my basement flooded. And I’ve had a terrible stomach ache, and the babysitter I had lined up for the summer just got another job and won’t be able to help out after all. And watching the news lately makes me sad. A lot of things make me sad, and I haven’t made any friends other than people like you – by the way, thanks for listening to authentic me – in this new town. Oh, and…”
Does that make sense?
One other point is that what’s hard for me may not be hard for some other mom and vice versa. So it might annoy the heck out of someone when I write about natural labor because my four births have truthfully been the most empowering experiences I’ve had in my lifetime. Then again, someone else might not understand why dealing with irrational 3-year-olds sends me over the edge because well, gosh, they’re just so darn cute. I do well with babies. Their needs and wants are one in the same; it’s as those babies grow older when I start to stumble (and grumble) whereas some women find those early postpartum months unbearable.
We all have to figure out what types of blogs or writings on motherhood help us in our journey. This may change. It has for me and like I said, right now I don’t read any blogs. I was feeling a lot like you seem to be feeling (I can totally picture the obnoxious “cutely frazzled” mama), but I really think this is something I have to work through myself rather than criticizing other moms who choose to mother “publicly” by having a blog.
I am passionate about encouraging my fellow moms. This means sharing my struggles (but not airing all my dirty laundry). It means telling others that I am no super mom but instead a flawed woman who has to depend on supernatural grace, and that there are many forms of kryptonite that get me down. It even sometimes means suppressing my melancholic tendencies (one reason I haven’t blogged much in the past 7 months or so because I knew I’d sound too down). It means being authentic without being whiny. It means showing that beauty comes out of the mess and the vulnerability and the GI bugs that ravage our home and our spirits.
And if I’m going to be honest and authentic right now, I’ve ignored my kids for long enough. I hope this makes sense and didn’t come off as overly defensive. I’m still obviously wrestling with finding a balance between choosing joy and being authentic. I do think you can do both. It just takes prudence and work!