I’m also hoping to figure some things out about how God wants to best use the talents and blessings He has given me. Speaking of which, I continue to be a struggling, obtuse, waffling person when it comes to discernment, so if anyone has any good book recommendations or advice on the subject, please do share.

From the 2009 archives:

Today is Ash Wednesday, so once again we’re entering into a beautiful liturgical time in our Church year – the Lenten season. In order to prepare us for Easter and the joy of the resurrection, the Catholic Church as well as many other Christian faiths give us 40 days to practice penance, prayer, and almsgiving.

Even though I’ve always been able to see the why behind Lent – that in fasting and giving up things we have the opportunity to crucify some of our worldly desires with Christ, grow in faith, and better appreciate the Passion through our own small scourges, I can remember a period of my life when I wasn’t all that “in” to Lent, when I didn’t live the Lenten season.

When I was in college, I attended Sunday Mass and made it to weekday Mass several times a week. When Lent rolled around, I’d avoid meat on Fridays (but this didn’t put me in line for sainthood, especially since I was a vegetarian in those days). I’d make a few token spiritual goals and go to confession, but I honestly didn’t take the season all that seriously. I followed the “rules,” but the meaning of Lent had not found its way into my heart.

However, during my senior year I suffered the unfortunate malady of a broken heart. I was weepy and contrite for the way my relationship had ended, so I made a promise to myself to “fast” on any thoughts about the One Who Had Demolished My Heart. I also made the decision to make others happy even if I was crying inside. I’d smile at strangers. I volunteered more. I went out of my way to look beyond myself and to give to others. I gave up all sweets and an hour of sleep to spend more time in prayer. I also did all of this for the right reasons – because I was lonely from the breakup, I desired more than anything to draw closer to Christ.

Well, something worked.

When Easter arrived that year, I experienced a very personal joy in Christ’s resurrection. That was the first Lent when I truly allowed myself to be transformed by God’s graces and to arrive at Easter brimming with his love and a better understanding of what it means to give until it hurts.

Since then I’ve had other meaningful Lents as well as some other 40-day periods that weren’t so rewarding. How much Lent will change me, how much I’m able to distance myself from this material world and enter into a more intimate relationship with Christ hinges upon my own attitude and how I choose to live Lent.

Looking back on my Lenten experiences, I have to ask myself: Did I truly use it as a time to grow in holiness by depriving myself, making difficult sacrifices or giving beyond what was ordinary? Or did I let the 40 days pass by either without giving or doing all that much at all, or did I give but maybe not for the right reasons (giving up sweets in time for the looming swimsuit season falls into the latter category)?

An acquaintance of mine whom I’ve lost touch with once told me he missed the bitter cold winters he’d endured when he lived above the Mason Dixie Line. As a Southern transplant myself, I couldn’t understand this and figured he was just one of those rare weirdos who liked the sensation of numb toes and the way blue lips look. But he went on to explain that the spring was always that much more beautiful after a hard winter. It’s a well-worn cliché, but it does seem easier to appreciate a sunny, spring day after a week (or months) of gloominess.

The same is true of Lent. It is a time to wake up to Christ and to new life. But if we spend the 40 days half-asleep, we may not be able to fully appreciate the profundity of the wake up call we receive on Easter. If we don’t spend Lent working on removing some of the barriers we’ve erected that keep us from Christ, it’s going to be tougher to really dislodge the stone from the tomb on Easter.

Thankfully, the Church has given us some tools to help us do just this. By practicing prayer, penance, and almsgiving and obeying the laws of fasting and abstinence, our lives can become more Christ-centered. But our hearts have to be in it. We can’t just be following the rules or going through the motions.

Many Christians – Catholic or otherwise – choose to make sacrifices during Lent in order to practice self-denial and to give up something, whether it’s television or coffee. Or, as in my case in college, it might be helpful to “fast” on something that’s not tangible in your life but is still serving as a stumbling block to your growing closer to Christ such as “starving” yourself from negative thoughts or needless worry and instead placing your trust in the Holy One.

Whatever Lenten resolutions you choose to make this year, let’s pray for one another that these 40 days will be a time to sharpen our awareness that God is present in our lives now and always.

I’ve found the following questions helpful to examine when I’m trying to come up with my own Lenten resolutions:

1. How do I take care of my body? Do I glorify God with it? Do I feed it properly? Do I exercise? Do I treat it with respect?

2. How do I care for my community? Whom is my community? My family? Is it my church? My place of employment? The blogosphere? What role do I play in my community? How can I make the best of this role? What do others expect of me? What do I expect of myself? What do I expect of others? Are others’ and my own expectations for myself and those around me in line with my desire to live a more Christ-centric life?

3. How do I cultivate my spiritual life? How often do I pray? How do I pray? Do I consider God a friend or distant and obscure – more like an idea than a real presence in my life? Do I have a truly intimate relationship with the Holy One? How can I improve my relationship with him? Does prayer enrich me? Is something in my spiritual life not working? Does my faith trickle over to the way I live, or do I tend to compartmentalize it? When have I felt really close to God? What was going on during those times in my life? What was I doing to foster this closeness? What can I do now to connect with God?

I’d love to hear from you on how you plan to live Lent this year.

The Lenten sacrifice mice the girls and I make every year

Lent really crept up on me this year. Fortunately, I have a stockpile of resources to help my family and me along my Lenten journey. In lieu of a thought-provoking post, I’m simply going to list some resources, ideas, books, etc. I’ve used in the past, plan to use, or dream of using when my life isn’t such a beautiful, chaotic mess.

I know I’ve missed some great stuff out there, so please feel free to share your own links and/or resources in the combox.

Happy clicking!

(Oh, and please forgive the funky formatting below. I’ve tried to fix it multiple times with no luck.)

Books

Bringing Lent Home with Mother Teresa: Prayers, Reflections, and Activities for Families by Donna-Marie Cooper O’Boyle

Welcome Risen Jesus: Lenten and Easter Reflections for Families by Sarah Reinhard

Magnificat Lenten Companion (it looks like the hard copy is sold out, but it’s available as an app)

Around the Web

Catholic Icing’s Lenten Navigation Page

Catholic Mom’s Lenten Activities for Children

Christ’s Journey to the Cross: Lenten Insipiration for Mothers (an old reflective essay of mine)

Conversion Diary’s Recommended Reading (for adults) for Lent

Elizabeth Foss’s Preparing for Lent post (includes link to all her Lenten archives)

His Mercy is New Lent Links and Resources

Holy Heroes Lenten Adventure

Lent for Little Ones (an old post of mine, but we still put to practice many of the ideas I included)

Karen Edmisten’s Meaningful 2011 Lent post

 
Recipes (including lots of meatless dishes perfect for Lenten Fridays)

 
40 for 12 Menu Plan

This is an amazing resource my friend put together. It offers 40 days’ worth of meatless menus, shopping lists, easy recipes, and fun commentary.  All the recipes serve 12, so it’s the perfect plan for large families who want to live out the discipline of Lenten abstinence.

Avocado Corn Salad with Tropical Smoothies

Homemade Pretzels

Kid-Friendly Cheesy Broccoli Pockets

Lenten Corn Chowder

Meatless Black Bean Chili

Papa’s Oven Fried Fish

Shrimp Wraps

Spinach & Feta Quiche

Tofu Parmesan (don’t judge it until you try it!)

She thinks it’s very pretty.

I do not.

–

The pretty snot face is on the mend, but her poor baby brother is terribly congested and crusty. He’s such a happy guy that he’ll cough, cry, and then smile in quick succession. Our family is a walking petri dish.

Poor boy can only sleep when he’s upright in the Ergo. I do enjoy the view I have. (Please ignore the black dog hair stuck in his nose crust. I’m just trying to keep it real.)

We didn’t do anything extravagant. Dave and I were able to sneak away for a quick dinner. We came home, and I sipped some crisp and sweet Riesling that was easy on the wallet. (Thank you for the recommendation, A.P.!)

The girls and I made Daddy Chubby Hubby Bars.  He likes to have a few unhealthy snacks on hand for his late-night snacking. His mutant metabolism allows him to eat like every day is Valentine’s Day. For the rest of us, it’s a big treat to nosh on so many sugary delights. We all had a Chubby Hubby Bar for dessert. Oh my goodness. These ooey-gooey slabs of deliciousness made me swoon, especially when I dipped them in my coffee. Yes, I ate them for breakfast yesterday, too. It was a holiday – a delicious one at that.

I read Saint Valentine by Robert Sabuda to the girls, and we discussed the mosaic artwork. Then the girls made their own simple mosaics using foam squares I’d cut up for them.

For lunch there were heart-shaped fried eggs in whole wheat bread slices.

We shared the Valentine’s Day sugar cookies we made with our elderly, sweet-loving neighbor.

And this love bug with her big-girl haircut made me laugh.

It was a LOVE-ly, sweet day.

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have focused on how we can communicate with other parents compassionately.

***

I once had a new friend I’d just started hanging out with ask me for some discipline tips. I knew she wasn’t familiar with gentle parenting, natural parenting, or attachment parenting. As a new mom, she was just taking whatever advice she could to find her way, including punitive discipline strategies you read about in so much of mainstream parenting media. This mom approached me because she saw something was working (at least on that particular day; anything will work every once in awhile, right?).

She certainly wasn’t coming to me because I had ever questioned her own parenting style.  That usually makes mamas run in the other direction, or at least that’s my own personal instinct when someone tells me, for example, I just need to stop nursing that big girl of mine. (Big girl is approaching 3, and we are working on gently weaning simply because it’s getting tough for me to be nursing two kids so much. But that’s my decision. I don’t need anyone else’s input, thank you very much.)

During this particular exchange, I shared how I tried to not say no so much and allowed my kids time to explore and used cheesy but helpful phrases like “soft touch” when a toddler was reaching for something that wasn’t a toy but shouldn’t be off limits either. Then I told her about “time ins” rather than time-outs.

In short, I focused on positive discipline strategies rather than negative or punitive ones. She was so grateful for this advice. I later received an email from her thanking me for the advice and praising my children for being so well-behaved.

It’s actually good for me to be thinking about this conversation again because lately this tired, lazy mama needs to be reminded that positive reinforcement is so much more effective than threats from a crazy, yelling mama.

“STOP SCREAMING AT YOUR SISTER OR ELSE!”

There’s just far too much situational irony in parenting, isn’t there?

Now, of course, my acquaintance hadn’t ever seen me on an off day. Last week, for example, everyone went berzerk, myself included. The baby was fussing. Two of my other children were fighting, and even my oldest, who is generally quite easy, was loudly whining. I felt my blood pressure rising and quickly retreated to my room. Then I locked the door (it’s not technically a lock. We have a hook on the door, but it’s the only door that I can close and keep closed without children barging in because we live in an old house where pretty, glass doorknobs no longer lock). Mommy’s time-outs are not punishments; they are to protect her sanity and keep her from flipping out in front of her kids.

Once inside my room, I attempted to pray, but I couldn’t get past, “God” because my melancholic child was sobbing, screaming, and pounding on the door as if she was on the verge of death. My sanguine child, I later discovered, was whopping the sad child on the head with an abacus saying, “Leave Mommy alone,” while my choleric child was grabbing them both and trying to pry them from the door, shouting, “Mommy needs quiet time. Stop it right now!”

I finally couldn’t take it anymore and swung the door wide open. I tell you, I’d morphed into a mad woman. My eyes were wide, and my neck felt strained. I should have counted. I should have just shouted, “God, God, God!!!” Instead, I yelled, scooped up, the melancholic child and did not imitate the whole “soft touch” idea. Actually, I rolled my child up in a blanket as if she were a pile of beans and the blanket was a tortilla, and I held her close until both of us settled down (I know where she gets histrionics from). Later we decided I should have sprinkled on some cheese to make it a really good burrito. Now she keeps asking me to make her into a burrito again, so I don’t think I traumatized her too terribly much. Sometimes holding time cools everybody off.

But, thankfully, my new mom friend didn’t witness this. No one did. However, I did share this story with my regular babysitter because she’s a young woman who has a strong vocation to be a mom, and I want her to know what to do as well as what not to do. Let my loss be her gain.

I’ve also told her about the importance of being gentle but firm, wearing your babies (she’s a college student and she already rocks the Ergo with Thomas tucked snuggly inside if I’m trying to write in the other room), and how sometimes an introverted child sees a time-out as a luxurious reward and not a punishment, and that that is okay.

As my babysitter, I’m not afraid to share how I want her to tackle certain situations. As for my fellow moms, well, I’ve always been careful to not dole out unsolicited parenting advice or to marble in my own parenting philosophy without having a really good reason to do so (with the exception of this blog; this is my space so I can yammer on about whatever I desire). I know that even when people have meant well when they have corrected me or suggested I do this or do that when I’m not looking for a quick fix or solution, I feel caught off guard, defensive. We, mothers, can have delicate egos. We’re so passionate about parenting and doing what’s right for our families and our children that we don’t want to be told we’re doing something wrong or even that there’s a better way to do it.

St. Francis of Assisi advised, “Preach the Gospel at all times; use words only when necessary.”

I’ve tried to apply this wisdom to the Gospel of my parenting. If I try to do what’s right and people see how it positively impacts my children, then they will want to know my “secrets.”

Yet, the reason I shared a tale about a day where I certainly would not be up for any grand mommy awards with my babysitter is because I do believe it’s important to be authentic and to fess up to the times when we fall short of our parenting ideals. This makes us seem more real, and I think to a lot of people out there who don’t understand attachment parenting or who have had a negative experience with a “holier-than-thou” parent seem to make assumptions about parents who consider themselves natural parents or attachment parents. They think we follow a set of rigid rules. They don’t always realize that what we’re really about is connecting with our child, and that finding that connection may vary from family to family and even from child to child within the same family.

Or they see us as being needy parents who can’t let our kids go – as if “attached” means we can’t quite sever the umbilical cord. Or maybe we’re just granola nut jobs. Or we’re uber moms who just have limitless stores of patience. Some parents who practice this style of parenting do, I believe, have more patience or are better at accepting grace, but not I.

The bottom line is, we need to let others in on the fact that we’re real moms who are far from perfect and are not suggesting that because we do X because we feel it fosters a beautiful, close love-bond with our child or keeps them healthy and safe that if you do Y, we’re saying you don’t have a love-bond with your child and/or you’re putting her safety or health at risk.

Honestly, I shouldn’t even label my parenting style because it’s constantly evolving. There are some things that seem to work with all my kids, but their unique personalities and temperaments are constantly challenging me.

Likewise, in my own parenting journey I’ve realized that you can read a book about parenting with grace or being an attached parent and it can sound rosy and fantastic, but putting it into practice is extremely challenging, especially as your family grows. I never could have imagined barking at my 2-year-old to “get back to bed this very minute,” in my early years of motherhood, but those are the exact words that slipped out of my mouth last night after I nursed her for a long time while holding her baby brother in the crook of my arm and then kissed her sweet head and said I had to go help her sisters get ready for bed and to please stay put and that I’d be back to check on her. I went downstairs, holding her brother close, and found an over-tired 4-year-old and a 7-year-old bouncing off the walls and a sick husband and a dirty kitchen and a dog I’d forgotten to feed.

Then I heard the pitter-patter of those little 2-year-old feet coming to find me, and all I wanted was for her to go to bed without needing to be close to me. I was overwhelmed and over-stretched at that moment. Now that wonderful, sick husband of mine came to the rescue and went and planted himself beside that sleepy toddler until she fell asleep, so I could nurse a baby and then give a 4-year-old a backrub after I read her and her older sister a chapter from our current read-along.

When my own head finally hit the cloud of softness my baby and I call a bed, I was spent. I wished someone would come rub my back and tell me a magical story. Instead, my little nursling started squawking, so I nursed him again and felt like I couldn’t do anything right anymore. I thought about how it was far easier to be everything to my first baby even though she had the toughest temperament as a young one (boy, is she easy now though!). I just wasn’t stretched so thin. I could get by on a lot less sleep because reading monosyllabic board books and playing peek-a-boo with one child did not monopolize much energy or brain power, but juggling the demands of a growing family does.

Not that I’d trade this crazy, full house for anything. And it’s been such a gift to see my oldest emerge as such an empathetic child who voluntarily helps me make her younger siblings feel loved and connected to this family of ours.

No, I wouldn’t trade the beautiful chaos of my life for anything. Mothering is the toughest job I’ve ever loved.

But having more children has humbled me. It’s made me realize that I’m going to fall short of my idea of parenting perfection all of the time and that I should never judge other parents.

Being gentle with my kids, embracing child-led weaning, pursuing natural childbirth, focusing on positive reinforcement, being compassionate with my children even when they’re driving me absolutely crazy – these are still my personal mothering ideals, but that’s just it. They’re ideals. It’s what I strive for to be an attached, emotionally nurturing mama that meets her kids’ needs and handles refusing their wants in a fair way. Still, I goof up all of the time, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying to be the kind of parent God designed me to be.

It’s these efforts that I hope other parents might see and be drawn to.

I’m not going to try to win other parents over to my parenting style by putting their own choices down.

Instead, I desire to be a shiny mirror that other parents can look into and see an imperfect but heartfelt mama who longs to be the best mom she can when she can. This is a mama who holds herself to high ideals because that’s what moms do: We long to be the best for our children.

Maybe that’s why parenting is so achingly difficult. We desire to become mothers because we love so much, but our children come along and become demanding teachers who give us hard lessons in exactly how to love. It’s a pruning process, and it’s best to remember the pruning and not just rave about the blossoms.

I’m not saying this is easy. I can be an opinionated, obnoxious little twit but when I’m tempted to get self-righteous, I remind myself I should be focusing my energy (especially when it’s in such short-supply) on doing right rather than being right. With God’s grace (and a good night’s sleep), I pray my parenting – and my life in general – will be a positive witness to others.

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon February 14 with all the carnival links.)

• How to Respond Respectfully to Unwanted Parenting Advice and Judgment — At Natural Parents Network, Amy (of Peace 4 Parents) offers some ways to deal with parenting advice and criticism, whether it’s from your mom or the grocery store clerk.
• Judgement is Natural – Just Don’t Condemn — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shared her views on why judgment is unavoidable and why the bigger issue is condemnation.
• Four Ways To Share Your Parenting Philosophy Gently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares tips for communicating with fellow parents in a positive, peaceful manner.
• When Other Parents Disagree With You — Being an attachment parent is hard enough, but when you are Lily, aka Witch Mom, someone who does not enforce gender roles on her kid, who devalues capitalism and materialism, and instead prefers homeschooling and homesteading — you are bound to disagree with someone, somewhere!
• Mama Bashing — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud reflects on the hurt caused on the blogosphere by mama bashing and pleads for a more mindful way of dealing with differences.
• Accentuate the Positive — Joella at Fine and Fair shares how she manages interactions with the parents she encounters in her work as a Parent Coach and Substance Abuse Counselor by building trusting relationships and affirming strengths.
• The politics of mothers – keys to respectful interactions with other parents — Tara from MUMmedia offers great tips for handling the inevitable conflict of ideas and personalities in parenting/mother’s groups, etc.
• Trying to build our village — Sheila at A Gift Universe tells how she went from knowing no other moms in her new town to building a real community of mothers.
• Internet Etiquette in the Mommy Wars — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses how she handles heated topics in the “Mommy-space” online.
• Parenting with Convictions — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children encourages love and support for fellow parents and their convictions.
• How To Be Respectful Despite Disagreeing On Parenting Styles… — Jenny at I’m a Full-Time Mummy shares her two cents’ worth on how to have respectful interactions with other parents despite disagreeing on parenting styles.
• Public Relations — Momma Jorje touches on keeping the peace when discussing parenting styles.
• Navigating Parenting Politics — Since choosing an alternative parenting style means rejecting the mainstream, Miriam at The Other Baby Book shares a few simple tips that can help avoid hurt feelings.
• Hiding in my grace cave — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to forget that not all parents are as respectful and tolerant as the people with whom she now surrounds herself.
• Carnival of Natural Parenting – Respectful Interactions with Other Parents — Wolfmother at Fabulous Mama Chronicles explores how her attitude has changed regarding sharing information and opinions with others and how she now chooses to keep the peace during social outings.
• Empathy and respect — Helen at zen mummy tries to find her zen in the midst of the Mummy Wars.
• Not Holier Than Thou — Amyables at Toddler in Tow muses about how she’s learned to love all parents, despite differences, disagreements, and awkward conversations.
• Nonviolent Communication and Unconditional Love — Wendylori at High Needs Attachment reflects on the choice to not take offense as the key to honest and open communication.
• Respectful Parenting As a Way of Life — Sylvia at MaMammalia writes about using her parenting philosophy as a guide to dealing with other parents who make very different choices from her.
• Homeschooling: Why Not? — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling shares how parents can often make homeschooling work for their family even if, at first glance, it may seem daunting.
• If You Can’t Say Something Nice… — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now tells her philosophy for online and offline interactions … a philosophy based primarily on a children’s movie.
• Different Rules for Different Families — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses how differences between families affect our children, and how that can be a good thing.
• Respectful Interaction With Other Parents — Luschka at Diary of a First Child shares the ways she surrounds herself with a like-minded support network, so that she can gently advocate in her dealings with those whose opinions on parenting differ vastly from her own.

• Parenting as a mirror — Rather than discrediting others’ parenting styles, Kate Wicker discusses why she tries to focus on doing right rather than being right — and why she’s also not afraid to show others that she’s a heartfelt but imperfect mama just trying to be the best mom for her family.
• The One Thing {Most} Parents Have In Common: They Try Their Best — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry finds interacting with other parents easier once she accepts that they are all just trying their best, just like her.
• Finding your mama-groove: 5 ways to eliminate judge/be judged metality — MudpieMama reveals 5 ways of thinking that have helped her find her mama-groove and better navigate tricky parenting discussions.
• Speaking Up For Those Who Can’t — We’ve all had those moments when someone said something hurtful or insensitive, or downright rude that just shocks you to your core, and you’re stunned into silence. Afterwards, you go home and think “Gosh, I wish I said…” This post by Arpita at Up Down, And Natural is for all the breastfeeding mamas who have thought “Gosh, I wish I said…”
• Thank you for your opinion — Gaby at Tmuffin shares her go-to comment when she feels like others are judging her parenting style.
• Mending — A playground conversation about jeans veers off course until a little mending by Kenna at Million Tiny Things is needed.
• The Thing You Don’t Know — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about what she believes is one of the most important things you can consider when it comes to compassionate communication with other parents.
• 3 Tips for Interacting with Other Parents Respectfully When You Disagree with Them — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares what she has learned about respectful interactions on her parenting journey.
• Peacefully Keeping My Cool: Quotes from Ana — How do you keep your cool? Ana from Pandamoly shares some of her favorite retorts and conversation starters when her Parenting Ethos comes into question.
• Kind Matters — Carrie at Love Notes Mama discusses how she strives to be the type of person she’d want to meet.
• Doing it my way but respecting your highway. — Terri from Child of the Nature Isle is determined to walk with her family on the road less travelled whether you like it or not!
• Saying “I’m Right and You’re Wrong” Seldom Does Much To Improve Your Cause… — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment writes about how living by example motivates her actions and interactions with others.
• Have another kid and you won’t care — Cassie of There’s a Pickle in My Life, after having her second child, knows exactly how to respond to opposing advice.
• Ten Tips to Communicate Respectfully, Even When You Disagree — What if disagreements with our partners, our children or even complete strangers ultimately led to more harmony and deeper connections? They can! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares ten tips to strengthen our relationships in the midst of conflict.
• A Little Light Conversation — Zoie at TouchstoneZ explains why respect needs to be given to every parent unconditionally.
• Why I used to hide the formula box — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen finally talks about how judgement between parents changed her views on how she handles differences in parenting.
• Assumptions — Nada at minimomist discusses how not everyone is able to nurse, physically, mentally, or emotionally.
• Shushing Your Inner Judgey McJudgerson — Jenn at Monkey Butt Junction knows that judging others is easy to do, but recognizing that we all parent from different perspectives takes work.
• Respectfully Interacting with Others Online — Lani at Boobie Time Blog discusses the importance of remaining respectful behind the disguise of the internet.
• Presumption of Good Will — Why — and how — Crunchy Con Mommy is going to try to assume the best of people she disagrees with on important issues.
• Being Gracious with Parenting Advice — Tips for giving and receiving parenting advice with grace from Lisa at My World Edenwild.
• Explain, Smile, Escape — Don’t know what to do when you’re confronted by another parent who disagrees with you? Amy at Anktangle shares a story from her life along with a helpful method for navigating these types of tricky situations (complete with a handy flow chart!).
• Balancing Cultures and Choices — Dulce de leche discusses the challenges of walking the tightrope between generations while balancing cultural and family ties.
• Linky – Parenting Peacefully with Social Media — Hannabert’s Mom discusses parenting in a social media world.

— 1 —

Thank you to everyone for your prayers on behalf of my mom. The recovery has been agonizing, but this was expected. My dad sent me a photo of her scar. It’s a nasty and Frankenstein-like. Yesterday I posted a photo of it onto Facebook. The image was really small on my phone, but the new time line format made it humongous. I apologize to anyone who caught a glimpse of the gruesome incision site. I removed it when I saw how big it was!

I beg for more prayers that the surgery was actually effective in curing her trigeminal neuralgia pain (it’s too early to tell) and if it wasn’t, that we can remember that Christ came to heal – not necessarily cure – the sick.

— 2 —

I’m thinking of changing the name of this blog to “Of Breast and Women.”

Not really, but I do find it fascinating that the two posts of mine to receive the most traffic have had to do with breasts. One listed my top 10 reasons for nursing a toddler. The other examined the Komen debacle. Crazier still, my most infamous freelance article to date discussed how I overcame my reluctance to nurse at Mass.

— 3 —

I haven’t been able to keep up with all of the Komen discussions, but a good friend of mine did have several Facebook friends argue, charitably I should add, against some of my points made in my post.

One such individual wrote (and also commented after the original post),

“I think the reason that Planned Parenthood is a necessary ‘middleman’ is because women go to the clinic for services (let’s just assume that they aren’t there for an abortion), receive a breast exam they might not otherwise have performed (either on themselves OR by another doctor), something abnormal is detected and they are then referred on to another location where they can receive a necessary mammogram (thereby benefiting from that Komen grant). Without the ‘middleman’ those women would probably not proceed directly to a mammogram clinic at all thereby making the Komen grant reach fewer women.”

Although she makes a valid point about the possibility of women going to Planned Parenthood and receiving a breast exam and then possibly being referred to a low-cost mammogram, she’s missing a big point* as did so many people when we thought Komen was definitely defunding Planned Parenthood. Komen is a non-profit with limited resources. It has the responsibility to be the best steward of its funds. I think we can all agree on that. So for now, let’s put my pro-life and others’ pro-choice (or pro-Planned Parenthood; that’s one in the same to me) beliefs aside and just look at this issue from a practical standpoint. Planned Parenthood primarily serves women of reproductive age; yet, screening mammograms are recommended to start at age 50 unless you have an increased risk of breast cancer. Thus, Planned Parenthood’s target population is not the women who really should be getting mammograms. Komen has limited resources, so doesn’t it simply make more fiscal sense to give grants to organizations that directly bring mammograms to the population that is most at risk for getting breast cancer such as mobile mammography units, charitable health clinics, and organizations that provide health fairs, etc.?

This doesn’t mean that Planned Parenthood doesn’t catch any breast cancer because maybe a manual breast exam performed there does lead to an early cancer diagnosis and a saved life, but how many more lives could be saved if the money was directed elsewhere?

Likewise, it should also be noted that the kind of manual breast exams offered at Planned Parenthood aren’t much different than the ones a woman can perform in the shower. An individual’s own self breast exam might be even more useful, in fact, because she gets to know her breasts and might notice subtle nuances a health professional might miss.

What’s more, some health agencies have argued manual breast exams are not effective in detecting breast cancer early. They can also lead to unnecessary testing. Maybe a health professional feels something unusual that’s actually not unusual for your breast and refers you for what proves to be an unnecessary mammogram. This drives up all of our health care costs.

Try to put your feelings – whatever they may be – about Planned Parenthood aside for a minute. Shouldn’t what Komen really have done is look at how many dollars it takes to catch a certain number of breast cancers supporting Planned Parenthood’s breast health care versus how many dollars it takes to catch a certain amount of breast cancers at an organization that is actually reaching the target audience that is most at risk for breast cancer? I’m betting less money would be spent and more lives would be saved if the grants were offered to places that actually served the people who need screening mammograms.

Pro-lifers have been accused of making this about our pro-life ideals. But not supporting Planned Parenthood has always been about our ideals (and thus political for us since the issue of abortion has been political ever since Roe. v. Wade). It’s the people who claimed they weren’t pushing their pro-choice agendas and insisted they were only angry at Komen because they didn’t want to deny women of life-saving breast exams who seemed to be being more furtive. Either they didn’t know the facts about how little Planned Parenthood actually does to detect breast cancer early and/or how there would be more fiscally responsible partnerships for Komen to pursue in an effort to save lives. Or they should have just come out and said this was really about their pushing their pro-choice agenda.

*After I shared a lot of the above with her, she left another comment agreeing that I’d made a good point about Planned Parenthood’s target audience not being the women who need life-saving breast cancer screenings the most. It’s been a good discussion for me, but I definitely started doing what I promised myself (for the sake of my kids and family) I wouldn’t do and started feeling like I had to answer every argument against my logic. I can’t do it anymore. Maybe some of my readers will make up for my slack. But I haven’t been as present as a mama as I aspire to be, and these kids entrusted to me are number one priority (and that husband of mine needs some TLC, too, after working over 80 hours in one week).

— 4 —

On another but related note, I turned in my request to leave the BlogHer Network on 2/2, and I received a very gracious note from one of the network’s managers in which she explained that the community needs a voice like mine because BlogHer really does strive to create a forum where we can talk about issues near and dear to us in a “healthy, intelligent way.”

Since then I’ve had many Catholic/Christian bloggers point out that I’m mostly preaching to the choir here on this blog, but that BlogHer might bring some people to this space who would never normally read the musings of a crazy, extended breastfeeding, passionately pro-life mama. I also had someone comment after my Komen post that they found me through BlogHer and that my blog has made her think twice [about abortion].

I’m not sure BlogHer needs my voice, but maybe those unborn babies do.

The manager also sent me two links from the BlogHer main site that offered a different point-of-view on the Komen situation, but neither was passionately pro-life. One was pro-Komen even though the woman was grateful for Planned Parenthood and the other was pointing out all the mistakes Komen made by waffling on its decicion. While the Network may have a diverse range of voices, I still feel the main site needs a more balanced approach to issues and that an email should not have gone out headlining a post that was clearly in support of Planned Parenthood.

Nevertheless, all of this has made me pause. How do I best serve God? And my family? Truth is, as much as my ambitious, little self would love to start a social media revolution and launch a pro-life publishing network or something like that, that wouldn’t be fair to my family or even possible given the other demands of my life.

Barbara Curtis left BlogHer and has never looked back. She encouraged me to be still and pray about this, so that’s what I’m trying to do. I really, really want to do put my personal agenda, feelings, pride, etc. aside and make the right decision. I don’t want to seem like a fickle, flip-flopper, but I have to ask myself: Am I giving the unborn more of a voice by making a stand and leaving BlogHer, or did I jump the (emotional) gun and would have more of an impact by remaining in a Network that gives voices who don’t share my ideals a bigger microphone over at their main blog? These are questions only I can answer. I have lots to ponder. Discernment has never been my strength.

At least I know I’m not alone in my confusion. Candace is pondering, too.

— 5 —

Whatever I decide, this whole experience made me aware of the number of women who do share my passionately pro-life position. I was blown away by the outpouring of support and solidarity from the online community, and I’m very grateful for all of the words of hope and encouragement I received. Let’s keep up the good fight! For LIFE!!!

— 6 —

I just received my copy of Welcome Risen Jesus: Lenten and Easter Reflections for Families, which, ahem, was a good reminder that Lent is right around the corner. Reading Sarah Reinhard’s little book together is a simple but meaningful way for families to make the most of this beautiful, sanctifying season. And it’s only $1.99!!! That’s quite the steal for a book that just might help your children (and you!) grow closer to Christ this Lent.

If you’re still not sold, consider my 4-year-old’s glowing endorsement.

“What’s that, Mama?” she asked me as I pulled the book out of its packaging.

“It’s a book we’re going to read together during Lent. My friend wrote it!”

“Your friend wrote it?” she gasped. She flipped through it. “Wow! Your friend is a good writer-er.”

Word.

(I believe I used the phrase “true dat” in my last QTs post. My kids are consistently and simply stating some big truths.)

— 7 —

Well, I’d be remiss if I didn’t somehow marble Star Wars into this post.

My older brother drew this hilarious spoof of some of our family as Star Wars characters. My kids call my parents Gaba and Papa, so we have Gaba the Hutt and Chewpapa. Mary Elizabeth (also known as M.E.) is the “M”peroror (fitting since she bounces around here on a mission and doesn’t let anyone stop her). Madeline, of course, is Madeline Skywalker. Rae, our resident princess, makes a lovely Princess Raea. Thomas is a cute Yoda, but my favorite is our Darth Layla. Layla is our black Lab-Great Dane mix.

I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if Madeline signed all of her valentines this year with “Yoda the one for me.”

Some of these “takes” weren’t so quick so if you’ve stuck with me for this long, you’re a real fan.

Have a wonderful weekend!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Today my dad, brothers, my kids (Dave couldn’t be there because he was working all weekend), and an aunt and uncle and their kids all went to Mass together at my parents’ church.  The priest there is a family friend and has been so good to my mom and all of us. He’s one of those people who makes you want to believe in God even if you don’t. There’s something other-worldly about him; he’s holy and simple.

Earlier in the week he had called my mom and asked her if she wanted to receive the Anointing of the Sick (she’s getting to be an old pro at this given her many recent medical procedures) and also have a healing ceremony at Mass. She thought he meant after Mass and was ever so grateful, but then he clarified that he wanted to do it during Mass after his homily. Mom was embarrassed, but she decided she could use the extra prayers.

I sat there – actually I stood most of the service, swaying with my cuddly Thomas tucked in the Ergo hoping he’d take his morning snooze in church (he didn’t, but he was very quiet and content) – and felt something bigger than me. Those words really can’t capture what I felt. I can’t think of any other way to say it though. There was something about this Mass, something real, something like Love itself coming down to touch me.

Father spoke during his homily about how there’s a difference between being cured and being healed. I looked over at my mom, her blonde hair pulled elegantly back in a twist, her arms wrapped around my Mary Elizabeth, the smile that wouldn’t leave her face even though we all know that it actually physically hurts her to smile these days, and I fervently prayed for a cure. I want this surgery to take away her pain. She doesn’t need to suffer anymore. Hasn’t she already been purified enough? I mean, she is a loyal Cubs’ fan after all (Father said the Cubs are past redemption and joked they were forever stuck in limbo).

But, seriously, she’s lost so many loved ones. She’s had chronic health problems that started when she was younger than I am. It’s one thing after another. I want my mama to be better. I beg for her to be cured so she can get back to volunteering, gardening, spending lots of time with her grandchildren, and going to the Cubs’ spring training. Not that her ailments have stopped her much. People forget she is in pain because she pushes herself. She had planned to go with me to the Behold Conference to help with Thomas. She still planes on being there. Mom just doesn’t quit. She hopes. She chooses happiness. She thinks of others. She cleans like a mad woman. She’s a little compulsive about cleaning actually. We saw one of those “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” commercials and joked that Mom would cry out, “I’ve fallen, and I can’t clean up!” Mom is always aware that there is someone far worse than she is, and she puts her trust in the Great Physician.

I’m praying the skilled surgeon will be careful with my mama. I’m still begging God to make this finally be her cure. But I also know that whatever comes of it, the healing has already begun.

When she served as a Eucharistic Minister at the same Mass today, people she didn’t even know were coming up to her and kissing her. She said she’s never felt so loved. This was medicine to her soul. Witnessing the outpouring of love was medicine to my soul, too.

Madeline asked why we were all crying. “Because it was touching,” I told my not-overly-sentimental child.

“Why?”

“It’s always touching when God touches you,” I replied.

She gave me a quizzical look. I couldn’t explain it. I couldn’t explain the bigness – or the love – I felt at Mass today. It’s not something you explain; it’s something you experience.

There have been many times in my life when I’ve questioned God and when I’ve even questioned His existence but on this day, I experienced something. I was healed when I hadn’t even known I was sick.

The Star Wars obsession is not letting up. Not at all as made evident by the doodles around Madeline’s spelling work.

It’s not easy to make out, but that’s a grinning Jabba the Hutt.

I’m still going to publish my original post below because the point I make about needing to make our voice heard is more important than ever. In addition, my point about not understanding why people were so upset since Komen’s original decision simply prevented Planned Parenthood from funneling money to other organizations that provide low-cost mammograms is a valid one. Komen’s new (and now, it seems, reneged) policy intended to give the grants directly to the organizations that provided the low-cost mammograms rather than providing the money directly to Planned Parenthood to refer women to get the mammograms elsewhere. What’s the problem with here? The fact that Komen, instead of Planned Parenthood, has been accused of turning this in to a left-right issue boggles my mind. I’ve also seen arguments from people who were angry with Komen suggest that this isn’t about being pro-life or pro-choice; it’s about caring about women. It’s a human issue, not a health issue. Um, how is abortion not a human issue as well as a health issue? Oh, that’s right because abortion doesn’t kill babies. It helps women. No matter that having an abortion is linked to an increased risk of depression and addiction.

I guess the mama bear in me has finally reared its mad, I’m-not-going-to-take-it-anymore-head!

At any rate, here’s my original post:

–

I’m not a particularly courageous person. It’s not that I’m not brave because I am. I caught a snake that had found its way into our laundry room all my own and freed it outside, for example.  However, my vanity and my desire to be a people-pleaser usually wins out and tempers my bravery. I’m not concerned what snakes think of me.

But when it comes to protecting my family or looking out for my children, the chutzpah in me takes over and I can be downright feisty. Just ask my husband who’s close to me and knows my inner strength or the big kid at the playground who kicked my toddler down the slide (true story). The mama bear in me is strong and easily revved up if someone threatens my children. Do. Not. Test. Me.

Today I found myself asking myself why I was only considering my children to be the four children whom I carried in my womb and now live under the same roof as I do. Why wasn’t I extending my mama bear instincts to the rest of children – including the most fragile and precious ones of all? The tiny ones without a voice? The ones who need me to be a roaring mama bear if they have any chance of being heard?

It comes right down to fear, fear of being misunderstood, fear of rejection, fear that not everyone will like me, fear that I’ll offend someone even if I make every effort to express my opinions in a charitable way. It also can just be downright exhausting to put my pro-life views out there even when people are charitable about disagreeing. I just don’t have the time to ping-pong rational arguments back and forth.

But this mama bear is putting her fears and vanity aside and climbing, claws clenched, atop her soapbox today. I know for certain I have several pro-choice readers. I always welcome benevolent discourse, but I’m putting it on the record that I’m not going to feel like I have to defend anything I say here. Take it or leave it, my friends.

Like many of my fellow pro-lifers, I was thrilled when I heard the news that the breast cancer organization Susan G. Komen for the Cure had announced it was ceasing to disperse all grants and further donations to Planned Parenthood. I never understood the relationship in the first place. One organization has a mission set on saving lives; the other one – no matter how many primary care health services it provides – destroys lives. And not just those of babies. I happen to know women whose past abortion haunts them and has caused emotional damage. I also have a friend who worked as a doctor in a city ER and had to treat several women with perforated uteruses that were the result of botched up Planned Parenthood abortions, so many women are left with more than emotional scars. She can’t understand why anyone in the medical community – no matter their views on abortion – would be against an investigation into an organization that provides medical services.

Now I’d like to believe the Susan G. Komen foundation is basing this recent decision on a pro-life stance. That’s what Planned Parenthood and others who immediately started politicizing this announcement are raging about – that Komen is choosing sides and has been bullied by the mean, old pro-lifers to stop supporting Planned Parenthood. Similarly, some of the pro-life announcements I’ve seen seem to think this decision is based entirely on pressure from the pro-life community. However, the way I see it is the non-profit organization’s new policy is a focused effort to be better steward of Komen’s resources. If your organization provides low-cost mammograms to women who need them, it will still be available for grants. Planned Parenthood offers manual breast exams in their clinics. It does not offer mammograms onsite. Instead, some Planned Parenthood locations provide grants to women to receive low-cost mammograms at other organizations. Why does Komen need a middle man? Why should Planned Parenthood receive money to give grants for mammograms to other organizations? Komen is wise to give the money directly to the clinics that actually give the breast cancer screenings rather than funneling it through Planned Parenthood (or any other establishment for that matter).

Likewise, I don’t understand why so many Planned Parenthood supporters are threatening to stop giving to Komen. Were you only giving to Komen to support Planned Parenthood, or were you interested in finding a cure for breast cancer and/or helping it to be detected early in women of all socioeconomic levels? You can still give to Komen and then also write a check directly Planned Parenthood. Opponents of the decision are arguing that Komen’s decision is going to reduce access to care to women who need lifesaving screening exams but as I pointed out above, this policy change really just removes an unnecessary middle man. The very people who are going to stop giving to Komen because of reduced access to care are the real ones who will be disenfranchising women looking for affordable breast screenings. If they’re not only concerned about the breast screenings, then, again, like I just said give directly to Planned Parenthood.

As for those of you who are pro-life and agree with Komen’s decision, make your voice heard. I have a friend who knows someone who works for the organization who left her job in tears yesterday because she spent the entire day answering the phone calls of angry people expressing their disdain for Komen’s decision to defund Planned Parenthood. She did not hear one single positive voice all day; no one on the other side of the issue took the time to applaud the organization for its decision to make saving lives its priority. I know many pro-lifers remain reluctant to make a donation because they’re unsure if this new Komen policy is set in stone. Others have argued that Komen still funds embryonic stem cell research, but this isn’t the case any longer. At any rate, if you’re not ready to put your money where your mouth is, then just use your mouth for now. Don’t feel like you need to write a check just yet, but do send email, write a letter, or make a phone call and say something positive about this turn of events.

Finally, if, like me, you happen to be a pro-life blogger, I wonder how you feel about being a part of the BlogHer Publishing Network now. I have no intention of partaking in any mud-slinging here. I’ve been honored to be a part of this Network for several years now despite the fact that the main page for BlogHer frequently pushes ideals I don’t subscribe to. But they do include a diverse group of voices in their networks and people who are on both sides of the fence politically and some who don’t even know or care that there’s a political fence.  Whatever their views, the caliber of bloggers in this network never fails to impress me. BlogHer and its founders and employees have built word by word, blog by blog, a tremendous social media community. The Network has empowered women from all walks of life as well as given us a voice – and a very powerful one at that. I’m also extremely indebted to BlogHer for paying me to engage in something I love to do, especially since so many organizations fail to put their money where their mouths are and ask writers to blog for free (and I am trained journalist by trade; this is my work). Likewise, I’ve enjoyed other perks of being a part of BlogHer such as  receiving free samples, gift cards, review opportunities, etc. The publishing network also offered you great freedom in choosing the type of ads you wanted to appear on your site, so if a certain product – something that wasn’t environmentally friendly, contraception, etc. – wasn’t something you’d want to support, you could refuse it.

But this freedom, the paycheck, the other perks, and the sense of community cannot make up for my recent unease.  Yesterday I received a BlogHer newsletter with a headlined piece written by BlogHer co-founder and CEO Lisa Stone. She wrote,

You know where BlogHer stands: We’re non-partisan because we exist to create a global stage where our bloggers can be sopartisan. And as an American, I’m religious about your right to free speech, no matter what side of the abortion issue you embrace.

That said, I must also share that I am horrified by this turn of events, at a time when America’s health care lags at #37 and exhibits dramatic differences based on race and income. Just as women are about more than our breasts, so is health care for women about more than abortions. [emphasis hers] Especially the kind of primary health care that Planned Parenthood has been providing for years to women and children who otherwise couldn’t afford it.

I hope the Susan G. Komen organization is listening.

Non-partisan? Well, I’ve loved writing as part of the BlogHer Publishing Network. That said, farewell.

This wasn’t an easy decision. It’s not like I make tons of money from the affiliation, but it does have its perks and I’m just a peon standing up against a media-machine. I guarantee no one at BlogHer will be losing any sleep over the fact that that crazy, Catholic mama Kate Wicker is leaving the BlogHer Network. But change always starts out small doesn’t it?  One rain droplet and there’s a ring of ripples on the glassy surface of a pond. One voice speaks up and says she won’t stand for this, and maybe others join her.

No, making the decision to break my affiliation with BlogHer wasn’t easy. Drafting this post wasn’t particularly easy either (partly because we’ve been engaged in some serious germ warfare around here, and I’m just wiped out), but last night I talked to a friend who stood up as the only vocal pro-lifer out of more than 100 students in a policy-making classes. That took courage, chutzpah, and she’s just starting to tap into her mama bear instincts. Her first baby is in utero, and she/he kept kicking every time someone mentioned Planned Parenthood. Courage must run in families.

If she could stand out like that, then I certainly could put this blog post out there and have the courage to leave the media megastar, BlogHer*.

So that’s what I’m doing. And I’m going to contact Komen, too, as I urged you to do above. I also ask other pro-women, pro-life bloggers out there to take a stand and step out of your comfort zone, even if you don’t usually blog about serious issues. Unleash your mama bear. We are all spiritual mothers whether we have our own children or not, and we owe it to them to speak up.

Now I just need to start my own publishing network that financially backs bloggers who are pro-life, pro-women, and new feminists. Seriously, it’s a good idea, isn’t it? I’d be all over it if I didn’t have four little ones who need a hands-on mama more than a media maven.

*Since BlogHer makes agreements with advertisers about how many blogs will be showcasing their ads, I’m not able to pull my BlogHer advertising immediately. In fact, I have to find out when my one-year contract ends, but I am only allowed to pull out after it ends after filing a 60-days written notice. I’ve already submitted my written notice and am waiting to see what the next step is.

Some moms grow organic vegetables. Other moms partner with their husband in opening a restaurant and know how to make fresh pasta.

As for Kate Wicker, well, watch out. This mom’s an organizing machine who knows how to mom-handle a label maker. No random toys and craft supplies are safe in her presence. She knows how to put them in their place.