Six years ago I was all bubbly with anticipation, a newlywed dreaming of years of happiness and lots of babies.
In some ways, I’m still a lot like that blushing bride. In other ways, I’m more like an old, married and wise fart. Although I readily admit, there are a lot of couples out there who have many, many more years of marriage behind them and experience and wisdom to boot (like my parents who will celebrate their 37th wedding anniversary this August).
Six years ago I also thought I knew a lot about love.
I knew squat.
I still know fairly little, but I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two. So in honor of recently celebrating my sixth wedding anniversary, I’m sharing below some tips I’ve found to be helpful in having a healthy and happy marriage.
What about you? If you’re an old, married fart, too, what’s your advice for keeping the fire alive and/or for sticking together through good times and bad? (NOTE: The term “old, married fart” is meant to be interpreted loosely. Newlyweds are welcome to comment!)
1. Keep a sense of humor. This past weekend we took what we thought was going to be a relaxing trip to the beach to visit some friends and to celebrate our anniversary. Turns out the kids’ idea of relaxing is bit different than our own. The baby boycotted sleep and Madeline decided to revert back to her hold habits of refusing to go poopy on the potty (I can empathize; I don’t like to go in strange places either), which meant she had a stomach ache and was very clingy and needy.
On the way home, the baby started sobbing even though we’d just stopped so I could nurse her and Madeline was saying she was hungry…again. I smiled in spite of it and said to Dave, “Happy anniversary! Don’t you feel so refreshed and eager to start your work week?” We both burst out laughing. Then we started singing silly songs as a family and both kids and parents stopped fussing and were happy.
Laughter is strong medicine. Dave and I have learned to laugh at silly stuff, things we can’t control (antsy babies, constipated preschoolers) as well as more serious things. Sometimes laughing (even through the tears) is all you can do when life hands you lemons and you find you’re all out of sugar and maybe even water, so there’s no chance in you-know-where of making any lemonade.
2. Be forgiving of each others’ human wrongs and failures. I’m not perfect and neither is Dave. We’re two imperfect human beings trying to perfect our love for one another, which means we fail…and sometimes a lot. I’ve learned to not sweat the small stuff and to even overlook it most of the time. Does it really matter that Dave still doesn’t know where the colander goes and that I have to hunt for it a little longer? If it’s MIA, then doesn’t that mean he unloaded the dishwasher for me?
At the end of the day, we’ve had to learn to love and to accept one another as we are and to leave any big changing (not the small stuff but my persistent worrying or the fact that Dave isn’t Catholic) that needs to be done in God’s hands.
3. Recognize that marriage has its ups and downs and different stages. I’m a hopeless romantic. I always have been. I like to be spontaneous when it comes to love and to read Shakespearean love sonnets, to listen to the likes of Air Supply, and to be surprised with notes or flowers for no other reason than “just because I love you.” This is all fine and dandy, and sometimes it happens. But in the context of a marriage with kids and more kids, this isn’t always possible. Sometimes spontaneous love fests just ain’t gonna happen. So we schedule at-home date nights and hope the kids will stay in bed long enough for us to gaze into one another’s eyes for a few seconds or to watch our latest Netflix selection while sitting next to one another.
Marriage isn’t always rosy and romantic. It’s downright hard sometimes. There have been times when I’ve felt like a crazy, lovesick teenager. There have been other times when I’ve felt stressed or exhausted or both, and I’ve really had to work on nurturing my marriage. Romantic love is wonderful, but it’s not enough to sustain a marriage. As Mother Teresa said, it’s not real love until it hurts. What “true love” is really about is making the decision to put someone else’s needs above your own. Yes, love is ultimately a decision. (Never thought a romantic, feely person like myself would ever say that.) I have made the decision to love Dave for better or worse. Thankfully, there’s been a lot more of the “better” for us.
4. Always put your marriage first. Marriage needs to take priority over work and your kids. This sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s so easy to let your dearly beloved take the backseat when you’re worn out from caring for kids all day. Similarly, some men (and women, too) can get so wrapped up in their work and future ambitions that they have little time for their wives. But the best gift you can give to your marriage and to your children is to love your spouse and to put him or her first. A strong marriage not only helps you succeed in other areas of life, but when their parents love each other and frequently show that love, it helps kids to feel more loved and secure.
5. Be cheerful when your husband (or wife) comes home from work. This is a toughy for me. I’m often more than ready for reinforcements when Dave comes home after a long day and I’m tempted to hand off the kiddos and to retreat. Or, I immediately start venting about how tough my day was. But what I strive to do is to greet Dave like Christ when he comes home each evening. I try (although I frequently fail and he loves me in spite of it; see tip #2) to hold back on emotionally dumping on him, to give him a hug and to ask, “How was your day?” This helps to set the tone for the entire evening.
6. Never underestimate the power of prayer or the sacraments. The best thing I can do when my marriage feels like it’s hurting or even when we’re basking in bliss, which is more often than naught thanks to my great husband, is to have confidence in the graces I receive through prayer and the sacraments. Not one marriage can fail if we invite Jesus to be at its center by regularly praying and participating in the sacraments.
Chad says
Good list Katie! Here’s what I have to add:
1. Love is a choice, not a feeling. So when you are not “feeling” it, choose especially then to do something loving for your spouse, something you know that they would appreciate, like making a special meal or taking out the trash.
2. Stay focused on God. Think of yourselves as in a triangle. He is the top corner, and you are each the bottom corner. By focusing on Him and growing closer to Him individually, He brings you closer to each other. It is the nature of the triangle.
3. NFP! Nothing has taught us more about the real meaning of marital love, than our study of the theology of the body through natural family planning. This “marriage insurance” helps couples to regularly and genuinely renew their vows, and to reduce the risk of taking each other for granted, ever.
Love and prayers,
kelly
Kate says
GREAT additions, Kelly. I agree with everything you said, especially NFP/theology of the body. God bless!
elizabeth says
Hi, Kate —
I only recently started reading your blog. I found you through Jen F./Et tu, and I’m really enjoying your writing. I’m intrigued about the fact that your husband isn’t Catholic. How does that work in your relationship? Is this something you wouldn’t mind blogging about? (Or have you addressed it in your archives.) I’m a recent revert, and my husband is not on the same page as I am. I don’t know if he’ll ever be. I unfortunately haven’t been the model witness and instead have been trying to “help” by suggesting books and blogs he can read to catch up to where I am. (Yeah, I know. Bad plan. I’ve repented.) I would love to hear how you handle it in your marriage.
Thanks!
Kate says
Elizabeth, this topic is near and dear to my heart. I don’t think many of my readers know about my “little secret.” SURPRISE, everybody! My husband isn’t Catholic.
I recently had a friend and fellow blogger tell me that I should definitely write a post about how I deal with this in my marriage, which I intend to do in the very near future.
In the meantime, drop me an email (so I have a way to “talk” to you directly; I was unable to respond to you personally through your comment), and I’ll share some of my insight. What I will say for now is cut yourself some slack. For a long, long time, I’ve lived my faith life constantly wondering how it would affect my husband. If I do this, will it bring him closer to the Church? If I stress out and don’t look a thing like the Prince of Peace I’m supposed to be imitating, will he think to himself, “How could I ever want what she has?” Just recently I’ve realized that like so many things in my life, Dave’s conversion is out of my hands. My personal relationship with Christ, my faith life in general has to be about God and me, not how it’s going to impact him. The irony is when I seek God first, when I put my trust in him, I am giving Dave a taste of what it means to believe and to belong to a Church where we have the gift of the Eucharist. I have to rely on God working through me, not on what I do or don’t do alone.
Anyhow, I’m not sure if that makes sense, but I do plan on writing more about this. Keep praying and loving your husband. Welcome back to the Church, and God bless!
Kristina says
I think that it is usually a huge surprise to couples when they realize that loving someone long term is not about that fizzy champaigne feeling they have at the beginning of their relationship. Some never realize this and I think that leads to a lot of divorce, because they just don’t feel the love anymore.
Thanks.
Estelle T. Dunomes says
Tips for a Healthy Marriage are timely and those added by Chad and other readers are a testament to the gift of sharing and the effect offered solutions can have on troubled couples.
I especially like the one Chad shared of staying focused on God. He is the only one that can help in those times when stress and emotions are running high.
I was told this past weekend that when the emotions take over the higher reasoning powers are shut down to such an extent that appropriate reasoning becomes locked down.
How sad then to have an argument with your beloved spouse at such a time. Its no wonder that so many divorces take place; the higher reasoning has taken a vacation far too often. Hence, the gradual, relentless and hopeless breakdown of a once good marriage.
That is, when we don’t allow God to intervene and take control. Additionally, pursuing knowledge and resources to help BEFORE things get rough and putting a plan in place in order to circumvent problems before they arise helps couples take control of situations that threaten their union.
Your marriage can be successful, happy, harmonious, fun, happily intimate and so much more. Along with the resources offered here please stop by Secrets of Making Love Last a Lifetime to start, restart or continue your journey to resolving marriage problems and creating an atmosphere of happiness homemade!
Sarah Reinhard says
We write notes to each other in the bathroom (a place we are both guaranteed to be). It started as notes on the shower wall, but now we use different bathrooms and it’s evolved from a white board to a notebook (after an unfortunate incident that, um, stained the white board and rendered it trash).
I guess I’d sum that up as COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.
Love your list. :)