Baby’s First Close-Up

I had to get an ultrasound on Friday at 11 weeks. What I haven’t mentioned in my previous posts about my pregnancy is that there was a possibility I was carrying twins. However, Friday’s ultrasound confirmed there’s just one healthy baby floating around in there.

When I first heard my hormones were super high, I Googled “high hormones + pregnancy” and prodded my resident husband to see if he thought we might be having twins. “It’s always a possibility,” he told me, and Dr. Google corroborated this.

It is worth mentioning that my midwife didn’t mention the word twins. I just got it in my silly, preggo head that the only explanation for my crazy hormones and intense nausea was the fact that I was carrying multiples.

I’m a planner, so I immediately started thinking about the logistics of having two newborns plus a preschooler and toddler.

I’ll have to get a double everyday stroller. The double jogging stroller just won’t cut it. I’ll need something less bulky for trips to the pediatrician and other quick outings. My mom may have to come stay with me for a month or so. I will always be nursing. Come to think of it, I’m always nursing with one newborn. I’ll just have two going at a time. I’ll master the art of simultaneously nursing both babies. Oh my gosh. I’m going to have four kids four and under. I’ll have to grocery shop at night. Definitely. Will I ever work out again? Or sleep? Or shower?

Needless to say, I had some concerns. But here’s the irony. When I saw the grainy image of my beautiful baby pop up onto the ultrasound screen, I quickly asked, “There’s just one?”

“Looks like it,” the sonographer replied, surely thinking I was relieved.

But I wasn’t. Not really. I mean, I wasn’t heartbroken or anything, but I’d already been dreaming (and yes, fretting) about two babies and now I knew there was one baby I’d never get to hold.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m very grateful for my one healthy baby. It’s just funny how we think we may not want something, but when we know we don’t have it, we start to second guess ourselves or miss the very thing we were sure wasn’t right for us. I can only imagine the pain a woman who aborts her baby must experience. I always, always find myself thinking about the victims of abortion – both the women and their children – when I see my babies’ sonograms. I’ve never had an ultrasound at this point in pregnancy and to see how perfectly formed my little one already was took my breath away and made me ache for all the babies who never even get their first close-up as well as their moms who don’t know what they’re losing until it’s gone.

I’m so thankful I got to see my baby on Friday. It makes this pregnancy seem more real. It makes the sickness worth it. It makes me not quite as disgruntled that my butt is already growing. (Please someone tell me why my butt always gets bigger before my stomach. Last time I checked my uterus wasn’t located back there.) Seeing my one baby also convinced me (again) that God knows what He’s doing. And it makes me realize that I’ll never ever regret the one more baby I welcome into this world, but that I certainly will find myself pining for the one I didn’t have.