I’m pregnant! Yahoo! Yippee! God is good!
My enthusiasm here is real, although the exclamation points might be a little much, considering I’ve been puking for more than a month now.
I am happy and exceedingly grateful though. Yet, there remains a nagging question in my heart: How come, as in my previous two pregnancies, I’m not basking in baby bliss?
When I first found out I was pregnant back in early August, I was thrilled. I shared the news with my husband, and we hugged and celebrated. There was no ambivalence coming from him. He was clearly thrilled. When we told Madeline, her face lit up. “I can’t believe it,” she said. “This is awesome.”
And it was. And it still is. But right now the best word I can think of to describe my overall feeling is blah.
I’m not trying to be negative. Actually, I’m trying to be positive. But that’s the problem: Why do I have to try to be positive about something as miraculous as another baby?
Is it because I have no hope of ever looking like a pregnant-with-twins Angelina Jolie? (If I try wearing slinky, black Lycra topics, I fear I’ll look more like a killer whale than chic.) Is it because this was a surprise pregnancy – a direct result of Baby Rae’s sudden five-day nursing strike that kicked my fertility into gear? Or is it because I feel like I’ve been flattened by a Mack truck – that’s how tired I am – or that I have all-day sickness that leads to heaving several times a day?
Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of excited anticipation and while I don’t think I necessarily glowed during my previous pregnancies, I didn’t find myself unexpectedly crying at the weirdest moments like when my preschooler and I are dancing to Tingo Layo. Instead of wondering if the little, beautiful shrimp that’s floating inside of my womb will grow up to be a Broadway showtune crooner like her older sister or if she’s really a he, I find myself wondering how will I possibly be able to manage three kiddos under four in a townhouse that’s about to turn into major Sardinesville?
What’s worse is these less-than-blissful-feelings lead to guilt. What’s wrong with me? Babies are always, always blessings and something to be celebrated.
And what about all my friends who have struggled with infertility for years and are praying for a surprise pregnancy? They’d pay to throw up every day if it meant they had a chance to bring a child into the world. Or my other countless friends who have suffered the loss of a miscarriage. How can I question this gift?
I can’t really explain why I’m feeling this way, but I’ve decided I have to be honest. I’ve been avoiding sharing my news and more specifically, my ambivalence with others because I don’t want to come off as ungrateful or solipsistic, but then I thought about my maternal malaise and how I’m so desperately trying to rid myself of it or hide it from others (besides my husband and mom whom I always reveal my true self to), how I’m trying to fake that glow and smile through the vomiting, and I realized that if I’m feeling less than joyful during a time of my life that’s supposed to be, well, joyful, then chances are, there’s another mom-to-be out there who feels (or has felt) the same way. And, like me, she’s probably afraid to admit pregnancy is making her feel anything but full of life.
Fortunately, I have found there are times when I’m able to wade through the sludge that’s weighing me down and to see the other side – how in a few months, I’ll be holding another tiny treasure, gazing at the wonder of him or her – a miracle of soft breaths and hummingbird heartbeats, a vessel of hopes and dreams.
All daylong I feel sick with nausea, but there are many, many moments when I feel sick with love, too. It’s this love for my kids, including my smallest one growing inside of me that gets through me the day. That same love wakes me up when I’d rather be sleeping. It forces me to eat something nutritious and high in protein when I’d rather be chugging Ginger Ale and noshing on Saltines (or dark chocolate). It’s my love for my children that makes me a better mom and a better person.
So, to my little surprise, thank you for shaking my life up a bit and reminding me of what’s really important. Now, could you please stop making me feel so queasy? I love you and am already counting the days until you fill my arms.
What a beautiful post! Thank you for your honesty.
Congratulations on your wonderful news.
Congratulations! As a mommy of 4 boys under 4, i know where you're coming from but once that baby enters your world you'll be grateful that God surprised you with this precious baby & you will look back at the crazy days as the best days of your life!
Dear Kate, Congratulations! You’re right, a new life is always a joyous thing.
Your post couldn’t have hit home any more with me. Our first three children were all surprise pregnancies. We had been married for two months when we found out that our oldest was on her way and then, thirteen months after she was born, her sister arrived.
When #1 was 1 1/2 and #2 was 7 months old, I found out that we were pregnant with #3. As much as this should have been good news, I locked myself in the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and cried for a long, long time. It wasn’t that I didn’t want this third baby that God had so graciously given to us. It was that I wanted him later. I didn’t know how I would cope with a 2 1/2 year old, a 1 1/2 year old, and a newborn. I had just recovered from my second C-section and wasn’t looking forward to a third Cesarean so soon. I had just weaned #2 and was a little reluctant to begin all over again; I wanted to have my body to myself for a little while!
God knew what was best for us, though, and we delivered a healthy baby boy soon after. God knew that I needed a little change up (a boy) if I was to stay sane in a house with so many small children. The first year of his life was difficult because the children were all so little. For a short time, we had THREE in diapers!
Things did settle down after awhile. When #3 got to be about 18 months, we decided that we were ready for a fourth. We turned the method around and conceived our fourth child, a son, and welcomed him happily.
Now the older three are 6, 5, and 4. I couldn’t be happier that God planned our family this way; our children have always had someone to play with, someone to color with, and someone to make mischief with.
It was hard in the beginning, though. I know what you’re feeling when you describe being less than enthusiastic but feel guilty because you should be happy. I know what you’re feeling when you’re torn between elation and dread. I know the guilty feelings that come with a surprise pregnancy when there are women who have trouble conceiving or who miscarry.
Motherhood is beautiful and so are children, but it is a lot of work! I Hope you don’t feel too bad about having to “get used to the idea” of another child. I think that it’s normal (or at least I’d like to!). This is the beauty of NFP, right? God knows what’s best even when we aren’t so sure. So we take the leap and pray lots and lots.
Cheers to another lengthy commentary in your comments section. ;) Hope you are feeling well!
We’re in the same boat, Katie…so I know exactly how you feel. Hopefully your sickness will subside soon. I have been feeling a little better the past few weeks(after week 20, not 12-13 like the previous pregnancies), but it’s still a daily battle-nausea, vomiting, headaches. It’s hard to be joyous with all that going on! You’ll make it…and when you meet him/her, it’ll all be worth it! (At least that’s what I keep telling myself! :-) )
Oh, Kate….your honesty is beautiful. Blessings to you and yours.
Congratulations! And I hope you feel better soon!
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am so excited and happy for you!!! I just wish I could take the sickness away!
Whenever I read your honest words I just want to cry!
You are such a gem. You are an honest mom; a mom who is passionately in love with her husband, her children, and her Lord — but a HUMAN mom!
Six out of seven of my children were “surprises.” I guess I should be used to the Lord’s sense of humor, huh? But I , too, am a human mother, one who wonders sometimes if I’m up to the task the Lord has set before me. And now, in the blink of an eye, my eldest “surprise” is going to make me a grandmother. But I’m not so far removed from it all that I’ve forgotten that feeling, that angst tinged with nausea, that I felt every time I learned a “surprise” was on the way.
You know how I’m praying for you and Sparky. Go easy on yourself. All will be well.
You have such a wonderful attitude! Even if you don’t feel an ounce of what you’re telling yourself during some of the rough moments, your honest desire to be joyful pleases God. Hang in there! It will get better!
Congratulations and God Bless!
My #3 was a surprise and I remained fairly ambivalent about having her throughout my pregnancy. It didn’t help that I had awful sciatica the second half of my pregnancy. Sometimes it’s just hard to accept God’s unplanned (by us) gifts.
Congratulations.
I am currently pregnant with #5 and I would have to say that my feeligs have always been sort of ambivalent after pregnancy #2. I think it has more to do with how much time you are spending taking care of your other children. You don’t have time to do that day-dreaming/binding thing with the growing baby inside. But believe me, once that baby is in your arms you won’t be able to imagine life with out him/her! Congratualtions!
Yay! That’s terrific news. How blessed you are. No worries, Kate. We have ups and downs not being pregnant, too. Trust that in due time you’ll feel better and it will change your mood.
:) Heather
I know I don’t know you, but if I may humbly add a story and observation: a dear friend of mine couldn’t breastfeed #1 and subsequently #2 arrived not quite 12 months after #1. Had #1 nursed, her fertility wouldn’t have returned so soon and #2 wouldn’t exist. I now look at #2 and marvel that God foreknew him and created #1 in such a fashion as to enable the existence of #2, by preventing #1 from breastfeeding. (#2 is a breastfeeding champ!)
Similarly, when I read that your #3 was the result of your fertility returning due to the nursing strike of #2, I thought, “how amazing is God’s plan” that He saw fit to give you #3 and provided the very clear means to bring him into existence – by #2’s strike, without which #3 would not exist…but now does, for all eternity!
I know, so deeply from my own experience, that this doesn’t make pregnancy/newborn any easier…in many ways it has been the biggest cross I have ever embraced! But your story seemed so clearly the hand of God that it brought tears to my eyes.
God bless you and your children as you embrace your cross with its joys and sorrow!
Kate!!!
I’m sooo behind in the blogging world. Please forgive me for being so late in sending my CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’m soooo excited for you and your family.