Welcome to my mixed marriage series. This is tip three of living a mixed marriage: Let the little children come. To see other posts from the series, please click here.
As Catholics, we are required to bring up our children in the faith. We are nothing less than missionaries who are planting the roots of the Church in our home. The Catechism of the Catholic Church states: “The fecundity of conjugal love cannot be reduced solely to the procreation of children, but must extend to their moral education and spiritual formation” (CCC 2221).
So we must not only bear fruit; we must ripen it for Christ by leading our children to Him, training them in godliness, and nurturing their souls for an eternity in heaven.
Thankfully, the Sacrament of Marriage showers couples with graces that help them face this intimidating and daunting task of touching the souls of our children and bringing them to know, love, and serve Jesus with all of their being.
But what about the couple in a mixed marriage? Can they really bear witness to this awesome responsibility and create “a home where tenderness, forgiveness, respect, fidelity, and disinterested service are the rule” (CCC 2223)? Can children grow in faith, embrace the virtues Christ imitates, and know the tremendous power of the Eucharist when only one parent is living the Catholic faith?
Some would say probably not. How can Mom and Dad share something with their children that they don’t share with each other?
In fact, after I wrote my first post, I had someone email me with the following comment:
“While the Catholic spouse can be willing to enter into this situation and indeed their faith remains intact throughout the marriage or even grows stronger, future children may or may not be able to successfully handle this dichotomy. Statistically there is more chance of the children keeping the faith if both parents are practicing that faith. So while a Catholic parent with a non-Catholic spouse can overcome the odds, couples must factor in these possibilities when they make their decision. They should not just be thinking of themselves and the possibilities of their own happiness or unhappiness together or even of their own faith journeys. It is really not about them. According to the Church the purpose of marriage is to have and bring up children in the faith – to create and educate new souls for eternal happiness with God.”
This person was obviously being very charitable and at first her comments didn’t bother me, but then I started to think about how nurturing souls for Christ – even when both parents are devout Catholics – is no easy undertaking and I couldn’t help but think: How in the world am I going to do it on my own?
My short answer: With a whole lot of prayer, a good dose of due diligence, and total trust that God will give me all the graces I need to reveal the faith to my children. And I’m not really going at it solo. God is with me to guide me and to help me share this faith I love.
After I read this email, I also started thinking about the push-pull theory. I’ve heard a priest say that you should pull your kids (as well as others) to love Christ and to go to Mass, not push them. You should show them what a gift the Eucharist is, not turn Mass into just another thing “Mom makes me do.”
Ultimately, I want my kids to choose to be Catholic because it is what they want, not because it’s all they know.
In many ways, the reason I was Catholic for a long time was simply because I was born Catholic and had two faithful parents, so that’s all I’d ever known. I always went to Mass, even in college, but not always for the right reasons. I consider myself somewhat of a revert because in many ways I have just started rediscovering my faith and falling in love with the Church and its teachings. I was always aware of God’s existence, but I didn’t always have a personal relationship with him. All that is changing and sometimes I think that my seeking and my hunger for a more intimate relationship with Christ is a direct result of me marrying someone who doesn’t share my faith.
Of course, my children will only begin to want the faith once they come to understand it more, so teaching my kids about Catholicism is a part of our daily lives. Not surprisingly, Dave and I have frequent conversations about our children’s faith upbringing. One tough question I had to ask him recently was, “If something happens to me, will you promise to raise our children Catholic?”
He has promised to do so, and I believe him.
We also pray together as a family and go to Sunday Mass together and talk about God. This unity is very important. However, my 3-year-old has already started to notice that Daddy doesn’t go up to Communion.
The first time she asked why he didn’t come with us, I explained it this way: “Daddy doesn’t have the same gift that we have or if he does, he hasn’t opened it yet and it’s our job to help him find it and unwrap it.”
Sure, this simple explanation may not work on a 16-year-old, but right now she’s very keen on helping Daddy get his present. There’s a reason Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me.” Their humility and blind trust is a beautiful reminder of how we should all approach our faith. Madeline loves to talk about God. She asks to pray a decade of the Rosary. She colors saints in her All Saints Coloring Book and asks about their lives. She’s a wonderful witness to the faith for her daddy and to others as well.
Previously, I shared some wisdom Heather, another member of a mixed marriage, had gleaned from a priest she consulted. Not only did he tell her to never underestimate the power of the Holy Spirit but also to allow her children to evangelize to her non-Catholic spouse.
She writes,
“What I really liked was when my priest told me to have the children not only pray for him daily but to talk to him. Talk to him and ask him about his faith. Ask him why he hesitates to join us. And they do. My daughter makes him rosaries. She tells him that she would love to teach him how to pray the rosary. They ask in hopeful anticipation if he’ll come to Mass with us. They tell him how they love God first and foremost and wonder if he does too??? They so innocently draw him in to examine his conscience. Even if he never relays this to me, I can see it. I love that in nightly prayers my little guy yells out, ‘Don’t forget to pray for daddy to become Catholic!’ I don’t mind if my husband overhears this – it’s meant with a whole heart.”
While I’m not suggesting you goad your children to be pint-sized apologetics, allow them to share their love for God with your spouse. Likewise, don’t be afraid if your children approach your spouse with questions pertaining to the faith. This used to scare me, partly because Dave can be so much more logical sounding than passionate (and sometimes irrational) me. But now I realize if they’re confused by his answers, I have a chance to teach them about why we believe what we do.
Finally, this might seem crazy or audacious of me, but in some ways I think I pray more fervently for my children’s faithful upbringing because I know this awesome responsibility rests almost entirely on me. However, I do think my husband’s innate unselfishness, openness to life, kindness and generosity imitate Christ and are helping to teach virtues.
“Family members help one another grow in faith by the witness of Christian life in keeping with the Gospel” (CCC 2226). Dave may not even realize he’s doing it, but he leads a life that is completely in line with the teachings of the Gospel and thus, he is showing my children how to be more Christ-like.
I have an older brother who has left the Church and I know this is very hard for my parents, but my mom has said that there comes a point when you just have to release your children into the care of God. Not that you ever stop praying – St. Monica certainly didn’t and I won’t either, but if my children fall away from the Church, I know that I can’t blame it on what I did or didn’t do or the fact that I married a non-Catholic.
Truth is, the odds may be stacked against my children, but there are saints who overcame far greater odds. When I’m feeling overwhelmed by my responsibility, I turn to St. Monica (whose Feast Day we celebrated on August 27th) for hope and guidance.
Prayer to St. Monica for Mothers
Exemplary Mother of the great Augustine, you perseveringly pursued your wayward son, not with wild threats but with prayerful cries to heaven.
Intercede for all mothers in our day so that they may learn to draw their children to God.
Teach them how to remain close to their children, even the prodigal sons and daughters, who have sadly gone astray.
Amen.
Great post, Kate. And pretty much all of what you say pertains to those of us in non-mixed marriages too. :)
You hit the key important elements with the children. The comment from the email left me feeling awkward and a bit sad but with lots of prayer I know all will be well.
Thanks for writing about such a meaningful issue.
Hi, Kate. Thanks for your post, which does a wonderful job of expressing the tension inherent in marriages such as ours, especially from the Catholic perspective. How unfortunate, though, that this position almost completely negates any spiritual leadership on the part of the husband! Instead, what is created is an “us against daddy” mentality which is difficult to justify. I wish you the best in your journey as a family, working out this difficult balance.
Hi, Evenshine. Thanks, as always, for your comments. I certainly didn’t mean to infer that my husband doesn’t play a role in the spiritual upbringing of my children. It is certainly not us against Daddy. It’s us FOR Daddy and his conversion – IF that’s God’s will.
Also, I’m in a unique situation because it’s not as if my husband has a strong faith (as is the case in your family, I believe, where both of you are practicing different faiths). Although he grew up in the Episcopal Church, he no longer practices this faith (and has no desire to). He wants to raise the children Catholic because this is my wish and he says he would want to do this out of his love for me, but he leaves the teaching of the faith up to me (as far as dogma, prayers, etc. go).
However, this doesn’t mean he isn’t the head of the house or someone my children learn much from. That’s why I mentioned that even though he is not spouting out the Catechism or teaching Catholic prayers to our little ones, he IS teaching the Gospel and revealing Christ’s love through his life and the way he lives it. He is one of the most unselfish, loving people I know. Case in point: I have been feeling ill lately and he has been so eager to help out and to show me his love even though he has a major test (part of his board certification tests) looming next week. I’ve watched my oldest daughter imitate his kindness. “Mommy, can I help with anything?” or she’ll come up to me and put her small hand on my back and pat me or give me a back rub just as she’s seen her daddy do. In that sense, he is a very important spiritual leader in our home. He is showing our children what it means to be Christlike, to serve others, and to put someone else’s needs above your own. I’m sorry if my words failed to get that across. I have the utmost respect for my husband and certainly would never want to pit my children (or anyone) against him. :)
God bless you!
Thanks for this series, Kate. It’s timely – I find myself in a mixed marriage of sorts, my husband having lost his faith over the past few years. He was a devout Catholic when we married. The hardest challenge for me, spiritually, is to overcome my frustration with members of the Church, who so often validate his criticisms of Catholicism. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that at some point. Thanks again!
I was raised Catholic by my mother and supportive, but non-Catholic, father. My mother would not allow us to “nag” my dad about the faith. He is strong spiritually, but just didn’t buy into the organized aspect, I guess. He did, though, take his vow to raise us Catholic very seriously, and never ever said anything in opposition to Church teaching.
Several years ago, to my mother’s shock and horror, I started “nagging” my dad about the faith. By this time, he had been attending Sunday Mass for years, abstained from meat on Fridays during Lent, and did many other “Catholic” things. When he said he believed in the Real Presence, I felt it necessary to beef up the pressure to counter-act the inertia. I told my dad I was praying for his conversion, told him I would do everything in my power to make sure he had the sacraments if he were on his deathbed, and, in front of my father, instructed my mother to keep the whole “deathbed conversion” scenario in the forefront of her mind, just in case (my dad was 58 at the time, and in decent health, I just like to be dramatic).
Within two years, my dad signed up for RCIA. My mom said the pressure from me and my sister (in cahoots with me) did it. I only wish she would have permitted us to evangelize sooner, and wish she herself felt comfortable evangelizing. It would have been nice to have childhood memories of a shared faith.
Thanks for clarifying, Kate. A few thoughts to add to the conversation, in truth and love:
You mention: “I’m in a unique situation because it’s not as if my husband has a strong faith…
…However, this doesn’t mean he isn’t the head of the house or someone my children learn much from…he IS teaching the Gospel and revealing Christ’s love through his life and the way he lives it.”
I agree that you are in a different (though certainly not unique!) situation than mine. However, the challenge is the same in some respects: how to live the life divided? How to balance our two great loves?
My difficulty with your position comes in this: in your comment, you affirm and laud your husband’s Christlike principles, but in the same breath you’re challenging those principles by your proposed “stealth evangelism”. I think my words were “*spiritual* head of the house”. If his Christlike principles were enough, then why seek to convert him? Would you feel the same if your husband actively encouraged your children to convert you?
Mixed marriages are difficult. I am living witness to that fact. But perhaps they would be a little easier if we could learn to not only accept our spouses’ choice but to value it, without seeking to change those we love best.
Blessings to you and yours!
Evenshine, thanks for your further comments. When I refer to stealth evangelization, I just mean living a life of the faith rather than shoving it down someone’s throat. I can accept him for whom he is, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him to fully share the faith and to one day enter into the Church. One way to bring him to God and to the Catholic faith, I hope, is by me preaching with my life.
I also try to accept my husband for all that he is and to leave any changing that needs to be done in God’s hands. That said, I selfishly want him to share the faith because it brings me so much joy and as a Catholic, I want him to experience the transforming power of the Eucharist. Still, I do value him and all his beliefs not only because he is a good, loving man, father, and husband but because he is helping to bring me closer to Christ. Funny how God works, isn’t it?
God bless you in your “mixed” marriage!
In Christ,
Kate