A few years ago my mom said something I’ve never forgotten.
When I was in the thick of treatment for my eating disorder, she was shouldering her own share of burdens – ones that were completely out of her control.
Out of the blue one day, I burst into tears and said something like, “Why do you have this cross to bear when the only cross I’m bearing is one I’ve made for myself?”
She gave me a hug and told me to never, never compare crosses, that what may not be a cross for one person at all might be a heavy burden for someone else.
Her wisdom has been monopolizing my thoughts a lot lately ever since I read what I felt was a thoughtful, encouraging post by Danielle Bean over Faith & Family Live about the things she hates about diets and her follow-up post entitled Weighty Matters where she attempted to explain that she wasn’t suggesting that diets are inherently bad, but that they do have a tendency to promote self-loathing and/or poor body image for many women who would be considered thin, overweight or somewhere in between.
What’s been bothering me, or making me sad, really, after I read the ensuing comments and reactions from other bloggers to both posts has very little to do with weight. It has to do with assuming too much based on someone’s appearance or what a person writes about dieting or their own challenges with weight loss and/or body image. It has to do with undermining others’ inner struggles – whether they’re thin, overweight, been on 17 diets, never been on a diet in their life, have had to lose or gain weight for the sake of their health, etc.
In the comments section, I left my own personal observations on diets and alluded to my eating disordered past. Frankly, it has taken me a long time to openly discuss my body angst. But in recent years I’ve come to a place where I’m no longer so secretive or ashamed about my struggles with my body image and disordered eating. If someone doesn’t seem to understand the psychology of an eating disorder, I try to not take it personally.
It’s my hope that maybe, just maybe, talking about my own personal cross will help someone else either by making theirs lighter or preventing them from ever having to carry this same cross.
So it’s disheartening when others are quick to discount what I or anyone else deals with when it comes to their weight and body image or any other aspect of life. Or to take someone’s words completely out of context (and I’m not referring to my own comments but again to Danielle’s original post and some of the other comments by women who described themselves as both thin or overweight).
It’s very tempting to simply “size people up” based on their weight, appearance, or on whether the word “diet” makes them think of healthy triumph, an enduring struggle, mindful eating, deprivation, or an unhealthy preoccupation with weight.
But again, this isn’t really about weight.
We make assumptions about people all of the time that have nothing to do with their body weight. In the “real world,” we’re better at keeping the judgments we make at face value to ourselves either on the basis of just being tactful or because we try to give people the benefit of the doubt and aim to get to know people first before assigning labels to them.
However, I’ve found that in the Blogosphere we often jump to unfair conclusions with regrettable alacrity. When we drop a comment in combox, there’s little room for impulse control. We have no time to bite our tongues. We click “submit” or “send” and our words are out there.
It’s far easier to attack, criticize people, and/or undermine their personal battles when you don’t have to look them in the eye. That’s one of the reasons why people gossip and back-stab; it’s also why, I suspect, people get overly defensive, personal, or hurtful in their blog commentary. We don’t really “know” the person we’re disparaging, so it’s not personal for us anyway. But I’ve been the target of barbed remarks (I’m not referring to the post at Faith & Family Live) from cyber “strangers,” and as much as I try to let it go, it can still hurt.
Whether we meet someone in-person or in Cyberspace, we really have no insight into their interior life, the inner demons they battle, what they’ve been through, what haunts them at night, what conversations they have with God. We’re oftentimes not even aware of the innermost struggles of our closest loved ones, so how can we begin to think we know someone from reading her blog post or comments?
Take my mom again. She’s beautiful. She’s happy. She’s a dedicated wife, mom, and volunteer. She lives on the lake and goes on frequent beach vacations. She’s been married for almost 38 years to her high school sweetheart.
She’s got it all, right?
It certainly would be easy to think her life is perfect and she’s the first one to say she’s very, very blessed. But things haven’t always been easy-peasy for her. For one thing, she’s a lifelong, die-hard Cubs’ fan. Talk about constant letdowns, disappointment and angst.
No, seriously. She lost her biological dad when she was 3, her mom when she 16, and the man she considered a father when she was 26.
She was diagnosed with what doctors thought was a form of arthritis in her twenties and was unable to pick up her baby (my younger brother) for weeks at a time.
Since then, she’s been diagnosed with a rare neuromuscular disorder with no cure or real treatment protocol (or support group).
She rarely talks about her health woes and never complains. Doctors, even her own family (me!) forget or overlook that she lives with chronic pain because she’s not depressed, because she loves life, because she looks healthy.
But as her daughter, I’ve caught a glimpse into her interior life, and what you see isn’t always what you get. Just because she doesn’t look burdened doesn’t mean she’s not carrying a cumbersome cross.
I don’t share this to glean sympathy. I asked my mom’s permission to share her health history because she’s very private about it and the last thing she wants is pity. As a Eucharistic Minister to the homebound and a former hospice volunteer, she’s always quick to point out that her cross is nothing more than a sliver compared to others’ and that so many people are much worse off than she is. But, then, she’s not taking her own advice.
Let’s be careful not to compare crosses. (I need to work on this as much as the next person.) Let’s not give meaning to overweight and thin people or anyone who seems different from us. Let’s not assume that all rich or beautiful or successful people have it easy and are happy. On the same token, we shouldn’t presume someone who appears to have a hard life isn’t happy.
We’re here to help lighten the burden for others, not scoff at their crosses or conversely, treat them with pity like that toothpick on their back is an oak tree.
We must work to “see” beyond others’ appearance, what they write on a blog, or how happy (or unhappy) they appear to us. We must strive to recognize the dignity of every human person and acknowledge that we all have our own personal crosses to carry. As Christians, we’re called to crucify our temptation to judge with Christ and to instead, look at all people through God’s eyes, a lens of love.
Thank you for visiting my blog!
Going to Daily Mass with 6, 3, & 1 year olds and a baby-on-the-way is deifnitely not easy. I think one thing that helps me a lot is my attitude. I used to attempt Daily Mass and then ended up stopping for over a month because of sheer frustration. It was SO much work to get the kids up, dressed, and ready, not to mention dealing with them all on my own once we arrived! I told myself it just wasn't myseason in life and that I would start going again Someday.
But then I read an article about how some Catholics only get Eucharist and Mass once a year, because of the priest's shortage or living in extremely rural areas… read about how people would edure persecution and even death to attend Massand recieve Jesus… and I started thinking about how ridiculous it was that Jesus gave his life for me, and I wouldn't make the effort to go and visit Him everyday because of the hassle. Talk about a humbling article!
NO, we do not make it everyday (today for one) but we have been going at least 5 days a week. I want to go everyday, but inevitably with the demands of children and sicknesses or late sleepers or poor planning… it won't always work perfectly.
My attitude adjustment came from a change in perspective. Instead of looking at Mass as a time where I can quietly pray and worship, I look at Mass as a time for me to instruct my children. I know we receive special graces just being there together, and definitely in receiveing Eucharist, but for the most part, I am not there for "me" but for God and for my children.
We sit in the back, off to the side, where we are least likely to disturb and have easy access to the door just in case! There is also a cry room, but I rarely use it unless there is a true tantrum. I bring religious toys, lift-the-flap books, and coloring books for the youngest two that they only get to use during Mass. That certainly helps. I also think they just get better with time… just seeing over and over that Mom will not ignore misbehavior just because we are at Church has really cut down on the disobedience. :)
Though it is not easy and I sometimes leave very tired and discouraged, I know that making it a part of our lives and daily routine is important enough for me to keep trying! :)
I hope that helps!
Kate, this is so well-said. I find myself doing this so frequently — “judging” others’ crosses – and feeling so frustrated when people look at mine.
What I find so interesting is how God can use the circumstances of our lives in ways we don’t imagine.
People assume that my daughter’s death is the biggest cross I’ve endured – I’m not so sure that’s the case. Sometimes it the tiny toothpick crosses (that we must endure repeatedly) that are the hardest to pick up and carry.
Very well put…good post. Thank you for words to think about.
Barbara
Nice words of wisdom, Kate. I have nothing to add–I just agree!
I’ve popped round from Cathy A’s and let me tell you: I’m glad I did. YOu said it all when you said let’s not compare crosses.
Thank you for this gentle reminder to thank God for what we have, to help others carry their crosses, and to not compare!
This brought tears to my eyes…thank you for such an insightful and wise word. Only God sees the heart, and knows what truly goes on in someone’s life.
This was truly a dynamic post. Thanks again.
Bless you,
Jennifer
Beautiful, Kate!
Kate, beautiful post.
I popped over from Cathy’s place. Isn’t she an amazing lady – and clearly, she knows a good blogging heart in you! :)
I appreciated your last paragraph about attending Mass with little ones. Currently my husband is living and working in another state and coming home just a couple times a month. This makes Mass with four children, well, lets just say, interesting.
Yesterday, I was so worn out – jockeying a 3 year old and an 8 year old that wanted to hold his sister, who in turn wanted no part of it. And I think “why Lord?” “Is this really worth it?” And then I look at Him on the cross and realize yes, it is. And if my cross is jockeying little ones for a few months, then so be it.
Hugs and prayers.
Kate,
Isn’t it incredible how unselfish and giving our mothers are and how we notice it more once we become mothers ourselves? They’re so generous and a pillar of strength that we all desire to be. I’m betting that your girls will view you the same way when they get older.
Well, said. I admit I have struggled with the judging and it’s something that I have really been working on. I also struggle with the weight issue as well, and I will be sure not to judge anyone that may be bigger or smaller than me. I usually don’t judge people on weight anyway. It’s usually about attitude or things they say that can be hurtful. Although, I do wonder sometimes how some people can seem to eat anything and not struggle. I’m sure they have other crosses to bare that are much harder to bear than mine.
Thank you for your post. I had been struggling recently with a bit of envy of a person who has been very kind to me, but seemed to have a perfect life. And then in the last two weeks I have seen their share of the Cross and have been very humbled and chastened by it.
Dear Kate,
I just signed up to receive posts of note from the Catholic Carnival and just now (Jan. 25th) read your post on Comparing Our Crosses.
Thank you so much for this WONDERFUL post. I received my first ‘negative’ blog activity from a Catholic blogger that has had several years of presence in the blogosphere. Her comments were hurtful and said so much about her!!! Having had some counseling during a personal crisis in my life, I learned that what others say to another IS REALLY ABOUT THEM and not the person that they are speaking to or about. Their OWN words speak volumes about them!
Yet, you are right in your statement that it still hurts to read another’s insensitive words.
As a university professor, it is ironic that I just had this very same discussion with students on the first day of the semester regarding the content of their e-mails to faculty . . . a false sense of courage exists when composing and sending messages through e-mails or comment boxes! In my case at the university, I have warned students that a paper trail to their name exists and a liability is in place. This can silence folks immediately. However, this is not available in blog-land, especially if one comments anonymously. . . . (which my students know that I have a special name for that immature and childish behavior).
Blessings and you’re NOW on my following list!
~ Bella
I’m behind on my blog reading so I’d missed this one, but it’s excellent!
Inspiring post. Thank you for shaing. X.