I bet the title of this post gotcha. No baby yet. Still gestating… Just reflecting on babies, Match Day, and why my husband and I don’t mind being in the minority in the medical community for starting a family while he was still in medical school and continuing to grow our family while his never-ending residency training continues.
Way back in 2005, I had a fussy 4-month-old in my arms as we awaited to hear my husband’s name called out on the infamous Match Day all medical students endure to find out where they “matched” for their intern year and residency. (Match Day fell on March 19th for all U.S. medical students this year.)
After months of interviewing, we’d finally know where we’d be spending the next few years of our lives. As new parents, we were praying we’d be closer to grandparents.
Our prayers were answered.
Dave sealed both of his first choices. We’d soon be facing a transitional year with a lighter workload about 2 1/2 hours from my parents. After that we’d be moving to a big city just an hour from my parents and about 45 minutes from my husband’s family. We were ecstatic.
Herein lies the irony. Just months before when I was a walking whale swollen with our first child, we’d been thinking about going to some place “cool and exotic.” Maybe Boston. Or Denver. Or even somewhere lush and beautiful out in California.
Ah, but you’ve heard the adage before: Having a baby changes everything and boy, does it ever.
Dave interviewed at his current place of residency just five days after the birth of our first child. When he returned home, he said he liked the program a lot and then he asked, “Why are we ranking [so-and-so-place-that-was-super-far-from-our-families] first?”
“I have no idea,” I admitted.
Suddenly, the slopes of Colorado, the perfect weather of California, and the history of Massachusetts didn’t seem nearly as important as having family nearby to share in our baby’s life.
Dave is almost finished with his third year of radiology residency now (woo-hoo! Only one more year plus a fellowship to go!). I’m almost finished with my third pregnancy. There are some people who think we’re crazy to keep popping out these babies during residency when the hours are long and the money is short. I’ve also had more than a handful of other medical wife friends (as well as other friends who are in the thick of their careers and/or are supporting a husband in his own professional endeavors) ask me when the right time to have a baby is.
My answer? Whether you’re married to a resident or not, there is no right (or perfect) time. To me, the only right time is when you find yourself blessed with the gift of a child – whether a baby was a part of your “plan” or not.
Our first wasn’t planned or unplanned. We were ready for a baby, but we decided to not try too hard since we were somewhat dependent on my salary. I kept on with my natural family planning charting, but I tried to not get too obsessed with conceiving. At one point, I remember worrying that something was wrong since I was young and not pregnant. Shortly after I began to worry about my fertility, I discovered I was pregnant and would give birth at the start of my husband’s final year of medical school.
Even though we faced our share of challenges having a baby while Dave was still in school and having to travel a lot for residency interviews, the timing could not have worked out better.
In fact, my husband and I don’t regret for one moment having our first child during medical school and our subsequent kiddos during residency. Sure, money’s tight, but babies don’t need Pottery Barn nurseries, and toddlers don’t require pricey Gymboree Play & Music memberships to bond with their parents. What kids need, above all, is love, and you can dole that out at any time if you’re ready and willing to open your heart to new life.
Honestly, I get a little sad when I hear so many residents and/or their spouses talk about how they’re going to wait until their husband is finally finished with residency to start a family. I can’t judge them or blame them for wanting more financial security or more stability (i.e., less erratic hours, etc.) in their lives before bringing kids into the equation, but they don’t even know what they’re postponing – the sweet smell of a new baby, the giggles of a toddler, the regular wrestling matches in the living room between Daddy and the preschooler…
We may not get to go to as many movies as we once did (there’s always Netflix). We may not have a lot of disposable income (who does these days?). Our kids don’t have fancy nurseries (who am I kidding? Our first either slept in our bed or in a crib wedged in a tiny room that was also home to bookshelves and our computer). We may be living in a city that has a lower “coolness” factor than, let’s say, Denver, but we have a family. We have kids who think Daddy rules, not because he’s a budding doctor, but because he generously distributes hug and tickles.
Having a baby does change everything: Your residency plans, your need for grandparents to have on deck when you need a date night or are facing another bout of bed rest during pregnancy, your sleep patterns, your budget. Some of the changes require more than an ounce of sacrifice, but what your kids take (like sleep) they give back tenfold. They’re a constant reminder of why my husband and doctors work to defend life. They’re our future here now. We didn’t want to wait for them until the time was right according to society. We didn’t want to put our life on hold just because it might be a little tougher to start a family during Dave’s medical training. We recognized that kids don’t make you poorer – they make your life far richer than you could ever imagine.
Every single day of my husband’s long road to becoming a doctor our kids are living proof that life is good, and it’s only going to get better.
So beautiful :) Will keep you in prayer!
Love this post Kate especially since I have been daydreaming about baby number 3 lately. :)
I think its awesome that we are starting our families now and not waiting until residency is over–Life is going on now at this very moment and its not going to magically start once you make the “doctor’s” salary. And really what is better than the love of child…I don’t think there is much on this Earth that can compare!
I think if everyone waited for the perfect time to have a baby, there would be far fewer in the world! Enjoy them, they grow up fast.
Hope labor goes well.
you know, I agree, with you in practice and theory, but there is one thing you’re not adressing: how little the kids get to see the parent whose working 80-hour weeks.
This is so true, Kate! I think it applies to many areas of our lives – as humans, we try to plan everything to the nth degree, forgetting that God already has a plan for us! There is no “perfect” time to have a baby in our human estimation – the “perfect” time is God’s time!
Great post! I completely agree with you. We had our 1st two while Dany was still working on his Ph.D. I used to have people think we were strange (and they still do, as they will anytime you have more than 3 or 4 kiddos) having a family when we had NO money, but it was completely worth it! I can’t imagine our lives with out our 1st two precious gifts. And today we feel unbelievably blessed to be awaiting our 5th!
Anon, you make a good point; however, in our family’s experience I feel that if you’re creative you can come up with quality family time and make up for the long hours in the work trenches.
During med school, Dave was around more than the average dad. Then he chose to do a transitional yr., which meant an extra move for us, but he was around more than if he’d completed a traditional intern year. Now in residency we’ve chosen to homeschool, so my kids can stay up later if need be to see their dad (no early mornings to rush my oldest off the preschool, etc.). When Dad is home, our time is sacred. But, I admit, it does present its share of challenges.
Still, I don’t think residents are the only ones who face long hours at work. (I always think of strong military families who somehow make it through the times when Mom or Dad is away for months at a time.)
Growing up, my dad traveled Mon. – Thurs.; yet, I never felt like he was MIA from my life or had absentee parents. My mom was an at-home mom and always there for us. Likewise, when my dad was home, he was home with us and really present in our lives. He stayed and played with his family. I realize now he made a lot of sacrifices. His life was all about work and family. He didn’t golf with his buddies, etc.
At any rate, I thank you for sharing your point of view; it’s very valid. I just encourage people/parents to think outside of the box (or career mold!). Oftentimes sole breadwinners have to put in long hours throughout their careers, but if they can make the most of the time they are around, I think it can work for families.
God bless!
Kate,
This brought back memories of my own Match Day. At the time I was single, but luckily I didn’t go too far away from family (3 hrs), because here I stayed. One husband and 4 kids later. Not to mention that I no longer have a medical practice. It’s interesting where God’s plans take you.
Did your husband choose Radiology partly based on having more family time? It would be even harder being married to a surgeon. Will he have the capability to read x-rays, etc. from home? That would be cool.
And you are right, there is never a “perfect” time to have a baby. I guess that is why God’s time is the right time.
Janet
Janet, Dave did choose radiology partly because of family. He actually was thinking CT surgery at one point – yikes! Thankfully, he loves working with the new technology, so it’s been a good fit!
Great post, Kate! I totally feel the same way! And good point, Anonymous, about the risk of not seeing the working parent too much … but I agree with Kate too about how lots of families have similar issues and they just make them work. My husband has a demanding, time-intensive job, and a 45-minute commute each way, but he makes sure to be home for dinner and bedtime every night, he works as much as he can at home (most nights and weekends), and our kids take late-afternoon naps so they can stay up later and spend time with him.
Steve was a plumber when we married. He hated plumbing with a passion.
When I was pregnant with our 2 child, he decided to go back and study. He did an adult reentry course, matric and then got a diploma in teaching. Steve was studying for 7 years. By the time Steve finished studying, we had 5 children.
Sure money was tight and I had to watch every single penny we spent but never did we have to go without anything essential. It was a time that I learnt a lot.
I think when it comes to parenting and deciding on family size, the scariest thing is to let go of the cliff top and trust that God really is there for you. I remember realizing that all my fears were over blown in my mind.
Hi Kate, I’m Anon from above – just wanted to thank you for your answer. Be well!
Rachel
You’re so welcome, Rachel! God bless!
I loved this. We just found out we are pregnant with number 3. :) My husband has a time intensive-travel a lot-kind of job, but we find ways to spend time together as a family. I really needed to read this tonight. Thanks for the great post.
I needed this. My hubby just started his first year of DO school & I am 4 1/2 years older than him, so we've been talking about starting a family recently. I just wasn't sure how people do it, since I've always been so self-reliant & we've been taking care of ourselves on my salary…I needed this oh, so much. Thank you for the beautiful words of encouragement!
Great article Kate! I’m really late on this post, but I’ve been looking for advice online and stumbled onto this treasure! My DH is a MS1, but I’m trying to do as much planning as possible. We are in DC but are from CA, where all our family are, and I definitely cannot imagine raising our kids without them! (And their help..) I’m 2 years older than my husband, and I just want to have my first child before 33… which will be in 2017, the same year he will graduate. Anyways- My question, is that when you were pregnant and about to give birth, were you scared that your husband would miss the birth?? Due to all his out of state interviews? My ideal would be to have a baby around the time you had your baby, Fall (end of the calendar year), but I’m just so scared that he will have an important residency interview lined up on my due date! Or just even close enough to miss it… Thank you!!!!!
Hi, Kate! My husband did, in fact, have some important residency interview dates lined up right around our due date, but what he did was ensure that those were within driving distance. He kept the long distance ones for after or before the due date. We got very lucky in that he didn’t miss the birth. He did have to drive a little over two hours and be gone just a few days after her birth, but it all worked out. It seems like with every baby there’s been something we worried about happening around each of the due dates. I am a big believer in allowing birth to naturally unfold (providing there’s no real medical reason not to do so), but as a doctor’s wife, I started to see why some women induce. With my last baby we kept hearing “any day now,” and my husband kept switching call so he could be there. It all worked out in the end, but I remember feeling liking a ticking time bomb.
It’s wonderful to plan and to think things through, but I’ve learned that sometimes babies have their own plans and we just have to learn to let go and trust. At any rate, best of luck to you and your husband as you continue with his medical training and begin to your journey into parenthood!