Recently, I had the rare opportunity to go to the grocery store toting only the baby. She was a happy, wiggly little thing, and I quite enjoyed our visit as well as her many admirers.
Typically, I’m in such a rush that I avoid onlookers. I’m not overtly rude, but I don’t stop to make idle chitchat either. My goal is to take care of my grocery list before one of my kids melts down or surreptitiously takes shampoo off a shelf, pulls it into the car she’s cruising along in at the front of the cart, and starts smearing it all over her body (thinking it’s lotion of course), and isn’t caught in the act until a confused Mom smells mango, even though that type of fruit wasn’t on her list (yes, this is a true story. I won’t fully reveal the guilty party, but she often wears pigtails and exclaims, “I two!”).
But today was different. I had only one child with me. This was easy street.
During our visit we were stopped by the grocery paparazzi several times and received the following comments:
“She’s a big one for almost 4 months!”
“She’s so small for almost 4 months, isn’t she?”
See how fickle the paparazzi can be. You’re too fat one minute and a weak waif the next!
“Well, you’ve got an angel there.”
True, true.
“Oh, look at that funny hair.”
I swear, I combed it. It has a mind of its own.
“He’s so cute. Errr…I mean, she. Sorry.”
No worries. Apology accepted.
“Is that comfortable for you to have her attached to you like that?”
Yes. Very much so.
Now in the olden days – as in when I was a newbie mom with just one child in my care – I admittedly would have fret over some of these comments.
In fact, I vividly remember when my husband and I ventured out to a salad buffet-type of restaurant with Madeline when she was around the same age as M.E. is now, and an older man and his wife stopped to ooooo and ahhhhhh over our little brawny bundle.
“Wow! He’s gonna be a linebacker. How much did he weigh when he was born?” the man asked, smiling.
I looked at my daughter’s pink and yellow outfit and then back at the grinning and obviously nearsighted man. “She weighed 6 pounds and 15 ounces.”
“She? My goodness. What are you feeding her?” the man asked, still smiling.
“My milk,” I replied, not smiling at all.
“She’s beautiful,” his wife added, probably noting my annoyance with my firstborn daughter being mistaken for a beefy linebacker.
This was not an isolated incident. Everyone use to comment on how chunky Madeline was. I know now I should have been proud of those rolls and extra dimples (they were of my own making and made for a healthy, happy baby, after all). But I used to worry my daughter was destined to a future in the NFL and that it would be all my fault for nursing her too much too often.
Fast-forward four years, and my daughter is tall and slender. But what if she’d stayed on the roly-poly side? What difference? Why was I so hung up on what strangers had to say about my baby?
I wish I’d had the confidence I have now. To appreciate the fact that I was feeding my baby somehow, someway with my body and that she was perfect just the way she was.
While I was a fairly laid-back first-time mom in many aspects (I didn’t constantly check to make sure my infant was breathing, for example, and I nixed the whole idea of having a perfect nursery, didn’t bother to use a Diaper Genie, and didn’t put a call into the pediatrician with a question until she was 15 months), the most innocuous comments could occasionally drive me to collapse into a heap of self-doubt. Was I nursing her enough? Too little? Was I, by subscribing to what experts called “attachment parenting” but what just felt natural to my child and me, setting my child up to be a leech who would be rooted to me like a barnacle for the rest of her life?
How tiresome it must have been to spend so many of my waking hours fretting over others’ unsolicited (and probably well-meaning) commentary about parenting!
And what a blessing it is now, that as more of a seasoned mom (although I realize more than ever with three completely different, tiny human beings who are constantly growing and changing under my care that I’ll ever have this whole parenting thing figured out), to not be crippled by the relentless foray of unsought pearls of parental wisdom tossed my direction at every aisle in one random grocery store visit.
Yes, M.E. is a chunky love. Is she too big or too little for four months? We’ll see at her well-child visit in a two weeks. Honestly, I don’t care what the growth charts say. She started out small, and now she comes in chunk-style – just the way I like my babies. Of course, Rae was on the small side at this age, and she was perfect, too. (Yes, I’m biased. I’m their mother. I’m supposed to be.)
I feed M.E. when she’s hungry, when she begins to stir in the night, when she cries during the day, or when she just wants to be close to me. I take note of her rolls, and I pump my fist in the air in triumph. I have a healthy baby, with strong limbs, who is growing each and every day! I “wear” her as I go about the daily grind. She’s a lovely accessory, and yes, it is quite comfortable to keep her so close to me. She sleeps close by and I sometimes hear her soft sighs and marvel at the wonder of her. I soak up her smiles and watch as her cheeks move in involuntary sucks long after she’s ceased nursing and is sleeping, curled into me. I don’t really care what others think or say about my baby. She is tiny for four months. She is big for four months. Perhaps she’s an androgynous sprite with hair that defies gravity to the casual onlooker. And I wholeheartedly agree with the “experts” that she’s an angel attached to me.
This post is not an endorsement of any particular type of parenting. If you’re new to my blog or are just wondering why my baby appeared to be “attached” to me as I foraged for food for my family at the grocery store, attachment parenting, or some semblance of it is the ideal I strive for, but I’ve found some of its principles – which seem to change anyway – are not always a constant reality in the trenches.
This is, on the other hand, an endorsement of mom intuition – a gift I believe all women-turned-moms possess. Use it, and use it wisely.
This one’s for all the new moms who – after a trip to the grocery store or anywhere out in public (or even during a click-by on some random new parent discussion board where a plethora of welcome and sometimes not-so-welcome advice awaits) – might find themselves lying awake in bed at night reciting an inner monologue of self-doubt about their mothering. Silence the inner critic. Once you become a parent, it is a waste of precious energy to seek popular acclaim from the experts and all those who make their public opinions known. Parenting gurus are an opinionated lot, and each has his or her own idea of the right way to parent. If you try to listen to everyone, you’ll end up with confused kids and no firm parenting principles of your own.
Please ignore the sweet old lady in aisle 7 who tells you your baby is too big. Ignore the cashier who says your baby is awfully small. Ignore comment number 7 on the discussion board that says the only way to be a good mom is to do this or to not do that. Ignore the friend who advises you to let your baby “cry it out” if every ounce of your maternal being is saying it doesn’t feel right. Tune out the finger-wagging advice that tells you you’re spoiling your baby by keeping him close to you all day. Be the mother you want to be. Better yet, be the mom you feel called to be. Smile politely at all of your baby’s admirers (they really do mean well), and snuggle up with your little one. Then repeat after me: Your baby is fine, and so are you.
Mother knows best, and you – not the woman who tickles your baby’s toes in the produce section – are your child’s mother. Be secure in your role. Because your baby doesn’t feel more secure in anyone’s arms but your own.
Kris says
I think what's even worse, and more disconcerting to the new mother are the "well meaning" comments and advise from family!! All new mothers should practice looking in the mirror, pasting a smile on their faces, nodding and saying "mm-hmm" in response! That makes people think you have listened and taken in their comment, without inspiring further conversation. You are right on target with this – mom-tuition is the greatest gift we get when that first baby comes out of our bodies!!
Lerin says
This should be required reading for every new Mommy!
Rachel says
You are a very wise mom. And I'm going to pass on this wisdom to some of my new-mom friends!
ViolinMama says
Kris and Kate – I love you. I needed to read this whole post Kate, and Kris…if you read this….YOU ROCK!!! Family comments are the most painful or hard to take. I've blogged about some. You think with Val being my 2nd I'd have stronger skin…but I have to really channel the mmmhmmm's and some grace EVERY time. WOW.
THANKS!! Loved this!!
ViolinMama says
Oh! I will say, sometimes "mmmhmm's" are not what one needs to do. Sometimes you have to be momma bear…as calm as possible. Case in point..a family member at our reunion this past weekend actually said 5 yo Lovely was the FATTEST of all the cousins when they were 5!!!! UM HELLO??!!! Talk about creating a body image problem had Lovely heard that (she did not)!! I had to address that….sadly, we get such comments a lot (she is SO not fat) and one has to choose when to smile and nod, or advocate!
ROAR!!
*Jess* says
I think your babies are just perfect Katie :) All three of them :)
Aubrey says
Well said! I've recently become able to stop worrying about what people think about my parenting … even when my four year old runs across the child's section of the quiet library screaming at the top of his lungs, causing the librarian to rush over to me and politely remind me that under sixes must be with a parent (and she was right). I reply, "yes, ma'am." I leave and don't worry what she's thinking when I get home or about whether I'm a lousy parent. Whose four year old runs across the library screaming? Well, it's the same four year old that opens doors for his sisters and mother and waits patiently for his sisters to get into the van (ladies first) before he gets in. There's always a part that people don't see! :)
That had little to do with what you've written, didn't it? Sorry! Maybe I'll put that in my quick takes!
Karen says
It's funny that you write about this now. I was going to post about something similar.
I have 3 children, 7 (girl), 5 (boy), 2 (girl). I brought them all to the grocery store with me (not scary for me at all anymore… well sometimes). Anyway, I have never encountered a comment like this before, or maybe I have but took it differently. I noticed a woman looking at us when we were in produce and we eventually made eye contact and she says, "Wow, you're brave to take all of them out at once." I chuckled and said, "Yeah, they're really good though, as long as that one (my 2 yo) stays right there!" (ha ha) And she said, "Yeah, as long as they're all contained." What did I just do there?? I used to see my kids as a burden (not something I'm proud of) so a comment like that wouldn't have struck me a few months ago like it did yesterday, and I couldn't even respond with pride for having 3 beautiful blessings from God Himself!! I was a little disappointed in myself, but hey, it was a practice run. Throughout the store I kept thinking about what I would say to the next one, but it never happened.
So I didn't have an experience with "Isn't she too big??" (I like babies big too Kate- I think they are the cutest and they look healthy-not to say skinny ones aren't!!) It's just funny how critical a lot of people can be towards motherhood. Why do we do that to each other? Why can't we band together and support each other? Why do some go out with that critical eye only to make you feel like a bad mom?? I just don't understand, but I'm glad I'm at the point where you are now where I'm confident in my motherhood and those comments don't bother me. Good post Kate!!! Thanks!
Colleen says
When people told me my boys were big, I felt so proud…but then I had a chubby girl and for some reason got offended at the big comments. How crazy!! I am now just happy to have four healthy beautiful childen, no matter what their shape is :)
Joy says
Yes, yes, and yes! So linking this for my new mommy friends…on #5, and so little ruffles my feathers now. But man, with #1 and 2, and even 3…how much sleep I lost over it that I can't get back.
There is a fine balance with responding to public comments sometimes. If it's way "off" I WILL correct the speaker in front of my children. Otherwise, I just nod politely and go about my way. Some things are just better left unsaid. Trying to remember that most are well-meaning truly helps me to keep perspective.
Megan@SortaCrunchy says
I've had this open to comment on since you posted, but time kept getting away from me. I just wanted to say this is so lovely and encouraging and true. I know the comments from others did sting a little more with my first. With my younger daughter, I could see that while I am FAR from perfect at parenting, I am equipped by our Father to be able to know and do all that is right for each of the beautiful blessings He sent my way.
Thanks for sharing your heart on this.
Stina says
Oh, Kate. If only I could learn as fast as you…I do recognize that I'm getting better at handling unwanted advice, but I have a long way to go. Thanks for writing this and I will also be sharing this with new mommy friends.