If I was on the verge of burning out a few months ago, then today I’m officially toast burnt to a crisp.
Burnout is a very real thing. That is why, after saving a draft of this post for some time now, I’ve chosen to expose myself like this. I think most moms face burnout at some point of their lives. Perhaps my honesty here will not only help me to sort out my own feelings but will reach out to another mom out there and assure her that she’s not alone.
Burnout is also an awful thing. It hurts to think right now. It hurts a perfectionist like me to face her humanity, her brokenness, her limitations (why, oh, why do I need sleep, anyway?). It hurts to miss God so deeply but to be unsure of where I’m going to find him (I know, I know. He hasn’t gone anywhere. He’s with me. I’m the one who’s created the distance, but it can be lonely trying to find your way back to him). It hurts to be.
Yet, even though I know I could seek out some balm to heal some of my hurts, here I remain – saying and not doing – like the son in the vineyard who tells his father he will go to work but does not. I’ve made promises in my prayers, to my children, to my husband, to myself, but I’m not following through with my actions.
Even before this breaking point, I noticed the signs. The tears over spilled smoothies. My edgy tone with my children. My renewed struggle with the bathroom scale and wanting to see the number drop to somehow validate my worth when I feel worthless. My insomnia that keeps me awake even when the baby is asleep. The crushing exhaustion that never seems to abate even when I do squeeze in some shut-eye.
Yes, the signs are all here. I’m running completely on empty, but I am doing very little to fill myself up.
As a writer and someone who has a compulsion to communicate, it is far easier for me to move my fingers across a keyboard and piece together inspiring words than it is to move my life. But, my friends, this life of mine must be moved. It must be moved closer to God, to taking better care of myself physically (i.e., eating healthful foods, hitting the outdoors for the regular walks I miss so much, and getting sleep whenever I can), and to enjoying my kids, not just taking care of them.
These sentiments aren’t new. I’ve been struggling with accepting that something has to give and that enough is enough for some time now. (I suspect this will be one of my lifelong struggles, considering I remember two other times in my life when I was on the verge of completely crumbling and had to make some changes to avert a complete shutdown). I’ve been continuing to take a defiant stance and have been resisting God and what he requires of me. However, I have no right to question God. He has my best interests at heart even when he asks me to do something difficult.
A friend recently asked me how I balance it all.
“Not very well at the moment,” I admitted.
Here’s the real truth: I am unbalanced. God is not at the center of my life. I need to right this, right myself. How? By praying. By taking this mom’s encouragement to heart and being good to myself. By taking a temporary step away from this public life I have here on this blog to gain perspective and to try to get more sleep. By doing some “real” writing – writing that helps pay the bills and writing in my prayer journal that helps feed my soul. No more empty promises; it is time to be a doer of words*.
To better turn words into deeds, I’m taking a sabbatical and will be signing off for about a week so that I can reorder my life, take better care of myself and my family, and be satisfied with the fruits I’m humanly able to bear.
“Jesus, remain with me,” is a simple prayer that some Catholics pray after Communion or upon leaving Eucharistic Adoration. This is what I’m praying today: “Jesus, remain in me.” May Christ remain with you, too.
*James 1:22
You're breaking my heart!!! Can I help with the kids? What can I do so you can get more rest???
I'm so sorry to hear that you're struggling. I know just how you feel.
Enjoy your week off, sweetie! I know it will do you a world of good. You will be in my prayers!
(And you have my number so please call anytime you need a dose of support!)
Kate, I was totally feeling like this when I was first pregnant with this baby (I'm 15 weeks now) — tired and burned out mostly by the non-mom and non-wife parts of my life, and the sight of the computer chair made me nauseous, so I kept away from it — no blogging, no writing of any kind except the monthly column I write for a local paper, very little computer time at all — I rested and read but mostly just tried to be a better wife and mom, more present and available, even if all that meant was sitting/laying on the couch in the middle of the mayhem. I'm starting to feel better, but reluctant about going back to the daily computer/writing stuff I used to do because I like the changes I've seen in myself and with my family! So I'm trying to think of ways to make a more permanent cut-back … things like maybe only writing one or two days a week and staying away from the computer the rest of the time. I'll pray for you and your own struggles!
I know exactly how you feel! It's something I struggle with constantly myself. Prayers headed your way!
You are not alone. When Lily was about 6 months I felt the same way. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was exhausted, didn't have enough time, cried over the slightest thing. In my case, my thyroid just wasn't working anymore which made everything I felt magnified. I still struggle to find "balance" if that is possible. But trust me on this, all those people who you think have it together, don't! One thing I learned, don't be afraid to ask for help and its okay if everything isn't perfect. I pray you will find away to feel right with in yourself.
Praying for you! *hugs*
Kate,
All I can say is, you're not alone either. I'm right there with you, in virtually everything you described, except I don't have an infant to care for during the night.
Otherwise, you might as well have been reading my mind.
I don't know if you're a fan of St. Francis de Sales or not, but his wisdom is helping me a great deal right now. He is so gentle and encouraging and down to earth, yet so holy and pure.
Get your hands on a little book called Set Your Heart Free (30 Days with a Great Spiritual Teacher). You can find it on Amazon.
St. Francis dS is my new favorite saint and writer and friend.
Peace be with you, dear lady. I will remember you in my prayers. Before long, we will both be in a better place because the Lord will take us there.
Just breathe, rest, and show yourself some mercy.
Love,
Jennifer
Kate,
I hope you get some well-deserved rest and relaxation. I wish I lived by you, then you could drop the kids off to play and go take a nap!
Good luck, Mama. I hope you find some peace. I seem to have lost mine as well :(
Kate,
People before things. Always.
I agree, take time. Giving yourself permission is the first good, healthy step.
Hugs from afar,
Pat
I think you are SO very wise for taking *at least* a week – and you are definitely not alone in how you feel – your honesty is VERY appreciated and admired!!
Right there with you. Prayers and blessings for you.
Dear, dear Kate. My heart goes out to you, and beginning tomorrow, you will be my rosary intention. I pray that Mary will hug you tightly (but not so tightly that it hurts) and that Jesus will rub your back and comfort you, even though He seems so far away.
Good for you, my friend, for your discernment.
Hugs and many blessings,
Sarah
Kate,
Yes, I understand. Mom burnout is real. If you are in the mood to read a good book that might help – "The Relief of Imperfection" by Joan Webb is wonderful. We all try so hard to do so much. I wish you all the best!
Patrice Fagnant-MacArthur
http://spiritualwomanthoughts.blogspot.com
Most of us can relate! I hope this time of R&R will be fruitful for you and your family. Prayers!
Totally, totally get it. Be intentional with restfulness and pursue His peace.
You'll be in my Mother Teresa novena tonight and for the remainder of the novena. Take it easy. Be good to yourself and family. Mother Teresa said, "Love Begins at home."
Love and prayers,
Donna-Marie
As always, praying for my sweet friend Kate.
Thank you for your honesty here – you are not alone!
Take good care of yourself!
I'm so sorry you're burned out, Kate! We've all been there. It will get better, of course – especially if you take time to care for yourself.
I'll be praying for you throughout this next week. Love to you.
Dearest Kate – I love you. I hear you on these feelings….I've been there.
Let's do that playdate soon…and drop the girls off anytime (ME too) so we can play with them and you go be you for a bit…even a nap.
Movie night???!!!
I'm with Sarah R – I'll be praying for you that Mary can also lift you up with her intentions and that with prayer and thinking, you can feel some peace again.
I'm sorry I'm just now seeing this!!!
Much love!!
These are the hardest years, Kate. I'll keep you in my prayers this week.
You are so not alone, Kate. In fact, I'm surprised I haven't lost more of the baby weight from Anthony, I'm being spread so thin! It's hard to lose the weight, though, when I'm turning to food instead of God. It's hard to be at peace when I'm turning to that third cup of coffee instead of God. It's hard to be the patient, loving momma that I ought if I'm turning to the computer instead of to God.
You are right to recognize that things get out of balance. You are lucky to realize it's God calling his beloved Kate home.
Not literally, of course. ;)
You know what I mean.
Take care and get HEAPS of fresh air & exercise. Our children's laughter helps lots too.
Kate,
You are not alone in your mom burnout. I think we all have it every now and then. You are being smart by taking a break and trying to do what's best for yourself. I hope you get some rest! Take as long a break as you need! People always come before things!
Love you!
Jessica
Okay, so I desperately want to personally respond to each and every one of you for your lovely, lovely comments, words of encouragement, etc., and I started to do just that. Then I glanced at the ticking clock and realized I must not whittle away anymore time before prayers and bedtime. Thus, here's an impersonal thank you to all of you. I am so blessed. Sometimes a mom who's worn out just wants to know she's not alone in her struggles (or her joys!). That's what all of you have done for me. Thank you.
Peace & Prayers,
Kate
You are so not alone, Kate. God bless you for the courage to share your heart. I'm praying for you.
Hi Kate,
I'm late to the party; but wanted to let you know I'll be praying for you to.
Thank you for sharing. I felt this way mid-summer. Then, I got things back on track in August, at least I had a plan for focusing on the really important stuff and was taking baby steps to make things better. Then, God threw me a total curveball and ruined everything. That's where I am.
Kate – my prayers are with you during this time of rest and re-prioritizing in your life. I have been where you are and I hope you feel more at peace soon.
Blessings and Grace…