I recently had a long phone conversation with a very wise, old woman who has a few decades on me (like almost six) whom I admire and love dearly.
We talked about motherhood and how exhausting and overwhelming it can be at times (she’s a mom of nine kids). We talked about faith (or lack thereof). We talked about a private, personal intention, and she reminded me for the umpteenth time that I can’t control the situation. “It’s God business,” she said.
And it is.
We chatted about my struggles with perfectionism. “You’re wonderful,” she said. “Stop trying to be perfect.”
“I’ll try hard to work on it,” I said.
“Don’t. Stop trying. You’re trying too hard at everything.”
“I know. I know it all intellectually. I know what I need to be doing, but it’s hard to make it happen.”
“Taking things from the mind to the heart is always the toughest part.”
That it is.
I said, “Thank you so much for this. You always make me feel better. I want to be you.”
“You know who you should really want to be?”
God? I think it, but I don’t say it out loud.
“Katie because you’re good and you’re wonderful.”
And then she said (clearly having read my mind), “And don’t try so hard to be God, or you might end up crucified.” This is her trademark humor. I chuckled and then choked on some sobs.
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled.
“Don’t be.”
“Okay.”
We even talked about blogging. This 88-year-old has an Internet connection and computer, although she admits she isn’t all that impressed with the technology. “It’s such a time sucker.”
I agreed with her.
“The few blogs I’ve looked at and I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m such an old lady,” she added. “But the impression I get is that moms take mothering and themselves so, so seriously. Everything we do isn’t that big. Kids grow up in spite of us. We’re not in control nearly as much as we’d like to think we are.”
“I know,” I said and then sniffled some more.
“Stop trying so hard,” she repeated. “Take it all to God. Lay it all down at His feet. It’s okay to just tell Him, ‘I’m a mess. Please clean me up.'”
We hang up. I sit quietly for a moment. I don’t try to do anything except pray.
Please clean me up.
And amazingly, that simple prayer is good enough as I imagine Him holding my messy, broken self close while He begins to patch things up, piecing me back together and offering me the hope for wholeness.
Kate,
Thank you for sharing this. I so needed to here this. I'm so far from perfection or expecting it — but I do get caught up in blaming myself and just feeling overwhelmed.
I need this prayer. I am a mess, Lord, please clean me up…..
Thank you.
The past few days I've had "Be still and know that I am God" in my heart and on my mind. Glad to know I'm not the only one. :-)
Kate, It's so hard to accept what's less than perfect, especially if that means accepting ourselves.
A passage from the Al-Anon book One Day At A Time reads ( by the way, I write this for ME as I very much struggle with the same thing:) :
"Learn to settle for less than I wish were possible and be willing to accept it and appeciate it. I will not expect too much of anyone, not even myself. Contentment comes from gratefully accepting the good that comes to us, and not from raging at life because it is not better. This wholesome attitude is by no means resignation, but a realistic acceptance."
The passage closes with a quote from Epictetus that reads:
"What you have may seem small; you desire so much more. See children thrusting their hands into a narrow-necked jar, striving to pull out the sweets. If they fill the hand, they cannot pull it out and then they fall to tears. When they let go a few, they can draw out the rest. You, too, let your desire go; covet not too much…"
Such wisdom in those words. Now, if I could only apply it! Your in my thoughts as we both try to surrender.
In Christ's love,
Colleen
What a very wise, intelligent woman!
Everything we do isn't that big. I'll have to remember that line ;)
Such a great post…and exactly the words I needed to read today. I'm sitting here feeling like an utter failure because I can't do anything right lately!! Being a mom is so hard… and this is my first year to homeschool one, no less…. I wish I had an old lady to sit down and cry to!!
That is one wise woman there :) I agree with her, just try to be Katie :)
I miss my grandmother…..
Oh, my heavens. A few days ago I was having "Be still and know that I am God." coming to my mind. I'm in awe right now.
And today, after another trying day, I united my sufferings (which aren't really sufferings, but only to me) with Jesus as I prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries. I'll have to add "I'm a mess. God please clean me up."
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Wow, I wish I had this lady as a phone buddy! Great post, thanks!
Love this, and you.