I remember how much I looked forward to my firstborn’s well-child visits at the pediatrician. I could easily recount every milestone. Her entire first year of life was documented in a scrapbook with artsy layouts as well as in a journal that read like Proust.
Fast forward five years and three babies later, and this is what happens at your youngest child’s appointment:
Nurse: Is she crawling?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Is she pulling up?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: How often is she nursing and for how long on each side?
Me: Ummmm… I’m not sure, but enough.
Nurse: Is she babbling?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: Does she play Peek-A-Boo?
Me: Ummmm… Peek-A-Boo? I don’t think I’ve ever played Peek-A-Boo with her. I mean, I read to her and count her toes and…
Nurse: It’s okay. You’ve got your hands full.
While I did feel a tad guilty my third baby has been deprived of engrossing games of Peek-A-Boo (and you better believe I went home and played some Peek-A-Boo with her), I’m growing into my mothering shoes and realizing that you can’t do it all or be everything to every child, and that’s okay. I may not gaze for hours at end into the sleepy eyes of my nursing cherub, and my 2-year-old doesn’t have a built-in playmate (AKA Mommy) at hand all daylong like her big sister did, but here’s a little secret to all the newbie moms out there: Children – especially older children like my 5-year-old whose needs and wants are no longer one in the same – don’t need instant gratification or never-ending ministration to be happy. (Don’t worry. I played Peek-A-Boo all the time with my first, too.) I’d actually argue that never teaching your child to wait or to share Mom’s TLC is going to lead to disappointment later in life when the cruel, hard world doesn’t hand you your dreams on a plate and your boss says you have to more than just show up at work to be considered special.
Still, when I was pregnant with my second child, I kept wondering how I could possibly love her as much as her big sister. My worrying was wasteful because as soon as I held my Baby Rae in my arms, I knew that there was and always will be plenty of love to go around. Whoever says you can’t love a second or fifth or ninth child as much as your first never had a second or fifth or ninth child.
Off the top of my head, here are just a few other lessons I’ve learned since welcoming our third child into our family:
What lessons in motherhood has your third or fourth or ???th child taught you?
my 7th child has taught me just how much the other children love siblings above all other things we can give them.
When Christopher was 6 months old, I said, if he hadn't been breastfeed, I never would have got a hold of him because all the other children wanted to hold him.
I am sure our next one will be just as loved and breastfeeding will be just as important for me to get a hold of him.
to RELAX! I'm way less uptight about things then I was with the first couple. Somehow, they all turn out all right!
I literately kept a notebook of every single time and side and length of nursing session when Riley was a baby for the first several months….it was pages and pages and pages long. With Brooke, I kept about 3 pages of notes, and with James, I took notes for one day! It's all in the same notebook and it's really funny to look at!
I also remember being at one of Brooke's checkups and them asking me if she could walk backwards?! I didn't know and felt uncomfortable that I wasn't able to answer.
Anyway, I've definitely learned (or am trying to learn…) to stop and enjoy each and every phase, even if it's a tough one, because they sure don't last long!
A similar situation like yours. At my third child's 2-month well check. Her ped was going over the list of developmental milestones to which I had answered yes to each one, but then he asked if she would reach out and grab a toy. I felt so dumbfounded at that question and I had no idea. I said "no" really hesitantly like I was a bad mom but he didn't even bat an eye and just kept going with his questions. And like you of course, as soon as I got home I tried it out, and yes she most certainly could grab a toy. That's when I learned that while she wouldn't get the attention my first, and even second, got, that she was still loved like crazy and would still have great learning experiences!
I have a feeling I can comment a LOT on this after our Monday Val "18 month" appt. I think I'll be the same way….peek a boo? I will now reading this. And try to relax….. :)
look at those eyes! :)
I've always been a pretty laid-back parent. Partly temperament, partly perhaps that I was a bit older when B was born. Sure, she got more one on one attention than the others but always had a bit of perspective on how it would be with subsequent children and I never did feel a need to entertain her every waking moment. So that part of it wasn't really a surprise for me.
I think that #3 has been teaching me how little control I have over anything and how much I need to let go of my own plans and trust in God. Still really struggling with this every, single day. I am so not good at dealing with the crisis points when two (or more) children are howling and both have needs only I can meet and I have to choose which one to tend and which to ignore for the time being. I tend to start howling myself and become another big baby.
I'm with you on the nursing logs. Everything was written down with #1, but on the way to #3's 2 month appt. I realized I had no idea how long or how frequently she nursed. Of course I freaked out and racked my brain trying to "prepare" an answer for the nurse.
The thing that I've learned that has surprised me the most is that there doesn't have to be jealousy when a new baby comes home. My kids love their new sister and like you said, that definitely helps with the "entertainment" factor. It always amazes me that a 4yo, 2yo and 10mo can play together and have a great time. Siblings are definitely the greatest gift!
Ooooo. I'm having so much fun reading everyone's comments and lessons learned. Keep them coming. Maybe we can compile a list for newbie moms! :)
God bless.
Kate, I'm taking notes here.
I've learned that peace is critical and daily prayer time is NOT OPTIONAL. I've also learned to put prayer first, even if it means I'm muttering it under my breath as I warm mac & cheese for breakfast (what can I say, we have low food standards?).
This was a wonderful post. It hit home for our family. We too are blessed with three children. The oldest almost 4yrs and the youngest 3 months.
The third has taught me to slow down and really enjoy each stage of development. The 2nd child to me was the most difficult with remembering all those special moments. I felt like I was surviving more than enjoying. When the third baby came, I vowed to give lots of kisses, unrestricted nursing, and enjoy all three of my blessings.
Great post! She is adorable, and looks very happy and healthy.
I'm wondering how I'll cope and adjust once our 3rd arrives.
I'm not thinking about it too hard though, I might start to think a little too much.
You are so right about the 2nd one growing up faster than the 1st. And I want one more after this one. Yes I'm already considering the 4th child :)
I have four…from 9 to almost 3. What I now know is that everything is a stage – thank God. I know that when I am at my wits end with a child or a behavior, it will pass. I know that when it feels like I am failing, nothing works, and I don't think I like my child very much anymore – this place will pass and all will be well again (until the next icky phase with the next child).
Hmmm, I would have to say that the biggest lesson I learned from my fourth child was that God's timing was the best. She came along only 14 months after our third child and I didn't know how I was going to make it through. But, as soon as I saw her precious face, and viewed the love her brothers had for her, I realized my plans stink, and God knows best :)
From having four young kiddos, I have also learned to relax about pretty much everything EXCEPT for sleep schedules. We are very strict with nap times, bed times, and wake up times, and it has really helped our family function in a healthy way. Putting the kids to bed at 6:30 at night means they get 12 hours of sleep and Phil and I get some cherished adult time at night.
I have also learned that whatever I don't have time to do/teach my baby, the siblings pick up the slack. I read so much to my oldest, and now he reads to the baby for me. Family life is a beautiful thing :)
Now that #5 will be coming in March, I can say I haven't really thought much about the work involved in having another baby around. When I do think about it, I realize that my oldest is old enough to help out a lot this time (she's 6). :) It seems like it should be a lot easier.
After all, in comparison, when she was 20 months old, the twins were born, and those first 4 months were something else. Then when #4 came along, it already seemed so much easier to only have one baby, and at that point the oldest was only 3.5! So now when I have 4, adding one more doesn't seem like the source of stress that just having the first was. I remember how I used to think it was so hard to take one baby somewhere! I laugh at my former self.
The kids can't wait for the new baby to come and they are already talking about the next one. I think this baby will have more love than the first one did. I think I'll be glad that no one else can breastfeed!
And about doctor's visits? I never kept track of who fed how much and when. It's called approximation and estimation!