I’m realizing that having blessings doesn’t always mean you’re living a blessed life or vice versa.
Allow me to explain. Frequently, we see blessings as gifts, good fortune, or perhaps the fruit of hard work. By this definition, I am richly blessed. However, God’s definition of blessed is a little different, I think. A blessed person in His eyes is someone who allows Him to bless her with peace and contentment no matter what gifts she may have been given or have earned. This explains why there are people who have been given everything in life who end up trying to drink away their despair or work harder and longer thinking that greater wealth will lead to greater happiness. They have blessings, but they are not blessed.
Then there are those who have very little or who have lost much and yet, they have peace in their hearts. This isn’t to say they don’t hurt, but they’re able to find consolation in the mercy and love of God. They may sometimes complain about the mountains they must climb, but they recognize that their mountains are God’s mountains, too, and that they are never alone. Those who allow God to bless them are able to look beyond themselves and make the best of the cards they’ve been dealt. They handle sorrow with grace, and they don’t take even the smallest glimpses of joy for granted.
I’m grateful for all of my blessings; yet, lately I’ve been struggling with finding peace. I haven’t been allowing God to bless me with His graces, His goodness, His mercy. God is knocking on my heart, but I’m afraid to let Him in and to surrender myself to Him. It’s not even as if I’m seeking and not finding (something I have struggled with in the past); I’m just plain not seeking.
In the car this morning, I heard an old Indigo Girls’ song I used to love way back when, and these lyrics screamed out at me: “Darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable, but lightness has a call that’s hard to hear.”
Isn’t that the truth?
Sometimes, despite all the goodness in my life, the darkness swallows me up whole. Then I project. I blame the rain. I blame the lousy traffic, the Raisin Bran spilled all over my carpet, a communication mix-up among homeschooling friends, or missing my husband. I blame things that really aren’t at the core of my longing or anxiety. Sure, these sliver-like crosses might add to my internal struggles, but often I refuse to consider the possibility that I’m huddled in the darkness because I’ve been too stubborn to let any light in. Then, when the slightest rays begin to shine through, I turn away thinking I don’t deserve the goodness because of the way I’ve behaved. I want to be loved; yet, I can act so unlovable.
And so I stumble in the darkness. I grope around trying to find something to hold onto to steady me. In the past, it was often my weight. I could always find temporary relief and an escape when my clothes started to feel loose. The thinner I forced myself to become, the more powerful I felt. Even now I frequently seek false confidence and affirmation in all the wrong places.
Yet, when I put God first and when I love and my family and serve them well, I feel affirmed. I feel happy and satisfied. So why do I keep looking outside my heart where God’s love dwells and outside of my home where my family’s love is to feel good and worthy?
Tomorrow I’m going to confession. I haven’t been since Advent, and I’m hungry for God’s mercy and forgiveness. I want my penance to be more than a rote rosary. I want it to be a new start. So tomorrow I will kneel and humble myself. I won’t let the darkness consume me. Instead, I’ll search for the light. I’ll reacquaint myself with God’s blessing. And I will be blessed.
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Please pray for Colleen Mitchell and her family. May they flee to God in their heartache and sorrow and find healing and peace.
ViolinMama says
Hugs Kate, and thank you for turning life experience into a faith boost for us all.
You are so correct on blessings. I've often thought that people who are forced to live in poverty or hard times (especially in other countries) have more faith and belief than those of us "blessed" with "more." They totally get what I'm sure I'm missing – total grace.
Enjoy being bathed in grace tomorrow. Let the blessings flow, and thanks for blessing us!
God Bless!
Kris says
I love you, sweetie!! you have a beautiful soul – you just need to see, more often, what we all see shining out of you.
ViolinMama says
wow Kris – beautiful!
Darcel says
What a great post. I think the reason we look outside our hearts and homes, is because we hear it from all other sides. Sometimes it's our friends, the media. Telling us what we have and what we are doing is not enough.
I am also learning to be in content in what I have. It may not be everything I want, but it's all I need.
When I step back and look at my life, I realize how blessed I have been in the past. I also look at all of the blessing I have right in front of me.
Kate Wicker @ Momopoly says
Thank you so much for the encouragement, ladies. Blessings.
Melanie B says
So true. How often I am ungrateful for my blessings, disdain them as if they were curses. I cling to my own plans instead of accepting the much better plans that God has for me.
gamommy2two says
I truly hope you are able to surrender control and let God work his magic. It's hard, but I have no doubt it's worth it…I'm still working to find the strength to do just that.