Someone recently referred to my five-year-old as a “skinny, little thing.”
A lot of women would love to have someone use those adjectives to describe them, but not my girl. Madeline was aghast. “I am not skinny,” she said with great indignation placing her hand on her jutted out (skinny) hip.
“Y…” I stopped myself. I was about to say, “Yes, you are,” but why? She didn’t want to be labeled as skinny. She saw it as a defect not an elusive prize like so many of us do.
So instead I agreed with her. “You’re right. You’re healthy and strong.”
She beamed. Then she flexed her big biceps before skipping off to play.
Later that same day I’m undressing when I catch a glimpse of my reflection in that nervy, big-mouthed full-length mirror of mine. It doesn’t matter how many crunches I do, my mirror affronts me with the cold, hard truth that my third baby has left my stomach a bit mushy. Clothes hide it well, but the naked truth is much more revealing.
Everything has shifted, including, thank goodness, the way I’m starting to think of my softer form. I’d like to think my daughter’s positive self-image is rubbing off on me. I love how she sees herself as not being a “skinny, little thing” but a healthy girl with quick legs and strong arms. When do girls start idolizing thinness instead of strength, anyway?
I’m not sure, but I know it is motherhood that has helped me to be more aware of the beauty of my body – and certainly, its stamina. Running a marathon before I had kids was nothing compared to the endless physical work of being a mom to three little ones!
Three babies later, I see my body as changed but not flawed. I don’t disparage myself so much. I don’t pick apart my body (too often). I still have bad days when I’m tempted to allow my weight or my clothing size to evaluate my worth, but I have many, many more good days. Days when I remind myself that anything worth creating bids a price from its creator. (I’d like to remind Jillian Michaels of this, too, after she rejected pregnancy out of fear of what it might do to her body.) God has chosen me to co-create babies. And so my body has paid a price. It probably will never be the same as it once was in my pre-mom days. And I’m starting to be okay with that. Not always head-over-heels in love with the idea of my “mom bod” – but I’ve accepted the physical changes as a part of my calling, and there are plenty of days when I find I’m content with my body. And I’m always thankful for it and its power to bring forth and nourish new life.
“Let’s go play!” my children shout as they barge into the room. I say good-bye to my reflection, and I step into life. And I think I look pretty good doing just that.
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What would you say to Jillian Michaels after she was quoted as saying, “I’m going to adopt. I can’t handle doing that to my body. Also, when you rescue something, it’s like rescuing a part of yourself”?
As I recently wrote over at Kind Conversation, I would tell her something like this: Becoming a mom doesn’t mean you transform into an unattractive lump. But you do change and so does your body. Truth is, I don’t need sculpted shoulders or six-pack abs. I’d rather have strong enough arms that can hold a toddler. A lightly-padded lap for a small child to rest upon. Fit legs to chase an older child in a game of tag. Pregnancy is a physical sign we are living out our vocations. The physical marks of carrying a baby and motherhood may not be easy to grapple with, but they are sacrificial signs of our love for our family.
I’d also tell Michaels that while it’s true that motherhood may leave you with a slightly softer form and it may even hijack your sleek abs, there’s nothing like bringing a child into the world to make you feel strong.
I’ve obviously been thinking a lot about this topic and honestly, I feel badly for Michaels. Perhaps in her heart of hearts she’d love to carry a child, but she’s afraid of losing her career – a career that has been built around having a killer body. Her self-image is so wrapped around the way she looks like so many women in Hollywood (and sadly, so many of us, too). In Hollywood, the pressure to be thin, flawless, forever young, and perfectly lovely is tremendous. I feel sad for these beautiful women who have been given so much but are not as content as I am even though I walk around in a mist of Eau du Breastmilk, don’t wear designer clothes, and boast a cushy tummy.
I was reading about St. Therese the Little Flower tonight and came across these words of her: “For one pain endured with joy, we shall love the Good God more forever.” I thought about how it is our sufferings – whether they come in the form of morning sickness or mourning the body we once had – that will help us to love God more, to be like God more who gave up his only Son as a sign of his great love for us.
So there’s certain dying to self, as a someone eloquently wrote over at Kind Conversation, a dying to our youthful bodies that comes with motherhood, age, or disease. But in that dying, there is joy. There is new life. There is goodness. And there’s inner peace that can’t be found by looking in the mirror.
What I’ve also been thinking about is how thankful I am that I’m out of the limelight. I once considered pursuing a career in acting and spent a summer in Los Angeles where my looks were picked apart – not easy at all. Horrible for a young girl with a fragile self-image, actually. Perhaps if I’d stayed along that route, I, too, would have said something like what Michaels said more out of fear than anything else, especially given my own struggles with disordered eating and body image. (Michaels was supposedly an overweight kid and suffered horribly for it, so I’m sure this is coming into play as well. I don’t care if she says she’s over that part of her past. I know from experience body image problems have a way of rearing their ugly heads even after you thought you’d slayed them for good.)
I’m thankful the only paparazzi I have checking me out are three little girls – one of which was watching me clean up after dinner with my hair all askew and said out of the blue, “You are ‘bootiful,’ Mommy.”
The funny thing is despite not looking my best, I felt really, really beautiful at that moment. I want all women to feel that way without having to conform to a certain physical ideal. That’s tough for women like Michaels whose body is what has helped her earn fame and recognition. So let’s pray for those women like Michaels who have put so much emphasis on their bodies or faces or the size of their clothing almost as a matter of survival. The media is being tough on Michaels now because of her comment, but imagine if she packed on a few pounds. Then they’d be attacking her for letting herself go.
Let’s also pray that we and our children don’t fall into the trap of believing we should be made in the unrealistic image of media when we are fearfully, wonderfully made in the image of the Divine Author.
This. is. so. awesome!
I'm totally sending this to all I know!
I still struggle with my body too – my arms and chin especially – but when you ask others, they never notice the flaws I see in myself. I made peace with my tummy years ago, because an infanthood surgery made it mushy, and kept me from ever doing bikini's, etc (my mom loved that!) and thankfully pregnancy makes me feel the most beautiful I ever am, and childbirth makes me feel so strong and empowered ("I grew this? I birthed this? I SO Rock!"). I also joke that the only time I have firm abs is when I'm pregnant – I'm rock hard HAHAHA (with baby and uterus).
I think we are our own worst critics. The things we say to ourselves are louder than the voices of the world that don't see what we see (our friends and family). We set ourselves up for hearing the vain words of consumerism and society. We need to keep reprogramming ourselves, and live as your dear 5 year old – untainted, strong, and made in God's image – not society's self image. We were made to love all God created, not loathe the one thing He made in His image.
(and I need to keep reminding myself of that when I catch my upper arm flab waving at people….)
Bless you for this…this is wonderful!!!
Love you!
Kate, this was great. I think you've gracefully dealt with this in your always-classy way. While Michaels' comments made me shudder, I also remember that there are lots of women who were not blessed with the calling to be mothers, either by choice or by infertility. Michaels makes money with her body, so I can see why she'd make a statement like this. I also applaud her desire to adopt, as it's so rare that public figures come out in support of adoption. However, I do also think that some day, maybe many years from now, she'll look back with regret. I hope it's sooner rather than later, soon enough that she can still follow God's quiet whispering in her heart.
Great post! Thanks!
We're so hard on ourselves – as I am saying this, I'm in the midst of a hard-core workout program and watching what I eat!! All in the effort to try and reverse the effects of 4 babies, and the dreaded "over-40" syndrome. I read on Jen's Conversion Diary a great post about this very topic, just in a different light. How we should to these things to be healthy, and glorify God for creating us – not for our vanity or pride. Given that my husband is gone for an extended period of time, if also helps to remind myself that when he gets home, he won't care two hoots about any perceived flaws I may see on my body. He's just going to be happy to be with me, flabby tummy and all!!!
Thanks for sharing this Kate! I think it's a blessing the way having children keeps us from looking in the mirror for too long. This morning I was trying on old clothes to see what worked with a nursing top under it and of course critically noticing how differently everything fits now. But as soon as I started to get caught up in it, Baby was tired of what he was playing with and started to crawl off. So off I went to play too, with a little person who couldn't care less what outfit I was wearing :) So I say "hurray" for adorable distractions!
Here's a link the post Kris mentioned from Conversion Diary (I had previously linked to it from here on Google Reader. I'm a firm believer that it's our duty to take care of our bodies – these temples of the Holy Spirit – and that doing so not only gives God glory and likely makes Him more at home within us, but it also boosts our health and energy, allowing us to better serve our family): http://www.conversiondiary.com/2010/04/exercising-when-its-not-about-vanity.html
Wow Kate, you've read my mind! After hearing Jillian Michael's comment on pregnancy I was planning on writing a post on how I am adjusting to my ever expanding pregnancy body! When I heard her comment I, in all my Darth Pregger/Preg-zilla glory, wanted to bite her head off! Thank you for this post… I needed to read it!
Kate, how could this not resonate with just about every mama out there? How could we not struggle with this issue, despite our efforts to keep fit spiritually and physically? The world shouts otherwise, and it is very hard to continually have to turn away. And when we do, don't we believe, somewhere deep inside, that the world is right? Of course, it's not, but it's a continual battle. Thanks for being on the front lines with us. :)
I think that maybe people analyze things too much. Maybe she really wants to adopt and was saying that to be funny. Maybe she meant that she doesn't like the state of being pregnant, not the fact that it often physically changes you. I'm sure people's only or main reason for adopting is not for preserving your shape anyway (like she said about rescuing). I don't really see anything wrong with that being a bonus factor in the decision to adopt, if you mostly want to give someone who already exists a better life or something like that.
Thank you all for your encouraging comments. I sometimes fear writing about my personal struggles because people don't always understand where I'm coming from, especially since I am not overweight and have been blessed with a strong, fit body. However, body image issues of others trigger something deep inside of me because I know what it's like to be terrified of gaining weight or having your body change in any way. I think many women in Hollywood harbor this fear for obvious reasons.
Yes, adoption is a beautiful vocation! I mentioned that in my original comments over at Kind Conversation; however, if she did mean she wanted to adopt because she didn't think she could handle pregnancy or that by adopting, she was "rescuing" a part of herself, then I'm not sure that's the right reason to consider the vocation of adopting. If we are able to bear children, we should see that as a gift, not something to be feared or avoided. A women's fertility should never be seen as a burden.
Still, I have a friend who once said she's adopting after witnessing several births during her medical training. She was half-joking at the time and does, in fact, still want to adopt to give children a better life, but she would also love to carry a child even though she admittedly has some trepidation about the physical part of it.
Moreover, the big problem to me and I admit, I didn't even know who Jillian Michaels was at first when this "news" story broke (I had to Google her; I'm so out of the pop culture loop!) is that she's someone has become a role model for people who want to get healthy – both emotionally and physically. It seems like she was promoting an unhealthy thought pattern with her quote that the state of pregnancy (AKA gaining weight, etc.) is something to be feared. You are not gaining weight because you're noshing uncontrollably but because you are building and nourishing a new life. Shouldn't she instead be encouraging women who are no longer overweight how to continue healthy eating and fitness during pregnancy?
Again, though, I'm really not trying to be too harsh on Michaels. More than anything, I'm sad for her and any woman who would reject pregnancy because of the physical changes it brings. And to be fair, I saw an Access Hollywood link (which I included over at Kind Conversation) that she recently went on the record saying she was misquoted and is heartbroken about it. Yet, she wouldn't come out and say what she really meant. I don't think she knows. I think her body still controls her sometimes. I say this not to be judgmental, but because I have been (and still am sometimes) in her shoes.
People who have never had eating disorders, body image problems or food addictions, etc. – God bless them – but I'm not sure they understand the emotional depths to which these run.
When I was pregnant with my first, a friend who did understand came and put signs all over my room that said things like, "Eat up for Baby, Beautiful Mama." My husband took my scale away. I was so terrified of gaining weight. But their love and support helped me grope my way through that dark terror and boy, was it worth it!
I commend anyone who feels called to adopt, but I also hope that fear of pregnancy-induced weight gain and the other physical changes motherhood might bring would not keep any woman from embracing the God-given gift of new life. It's such a beautiful, sanctifying thing to let go of our own fears, to trust God and His plan for us, and to allow Him to shape a baby into His image and to use our bodies as the place of His workmanship!
God bless!
Thanks for bringing up this subject Kate. I was always super skinny as a child and young adult (I started gaining weight after #5) and it was painful to have people constantly comment on my size –like it was OK because I was thin. I felt very self conscious and now that I am overweight the focus has just shifted. My children are all thin and I am super protective about not letting people think it's OK to make remarks just because they aren't OVERweight.
I feel that the response to Jillian Michael’s thoughts was not the best way to handle that. I feel that Jillian Michaels was doing a truly selfless act by not creating more of HER and choosing to improve a life of another person that she had no hand in creating. Sure, body image discussions might be a little vain, but I feel that her vanity has the chance to uplift a child without a home and family, which is more than mothers with biological children can say. Her ends most certainly justify her means in this case. It doesn’t matter why she’s adopting, she’s adopting! I even think it’s better because she is able to have children but won’t. She denying herself a supposedly “blessed” thing, to serve another person! Christians everywhere should laud her.
It is vastly irresponsible, as Christians, to laud producing more children when we can’t even give the ones that already exist a home when they have none. Until we can look up from our gonads and see that life is more than just our ability to produce children and criticize the physical worldview of a fitness icon, then we will never become what Christ wanted us to be. Until a parent can forgo the “joy” of producing children and do what’s right, even when it doesn’t serve them the same feelings, I won’t accept their self-imposed sainthood. It simply makes no sense for a Christian to forsake the orphans of the world for their own bliss. It’s denying actual self-sacrifice. It’s saying, “you aren’t of my loins and are therefore worthless to me”. That’s truly a sadder sentiment, at least from my perspective.
Jillian Michael’s decision to adopt is just simply superior, objectively and morally, to overlooking the ones in need in favor of self-serving propagation. I won’t say that parents are inherently selfish, because anything a person does for themselves, whether having kids or no, is selfish. I’m not having children because I’m following in Christ’s footsteps (another childless man, perhaps he was fearful?) the best I can, and I am skeptical that he would have been able to do all the wondrous things he did if he had to pick Timmy up from soccer practice.
I’ve always seen children as more of a stumbling block to self-sacrifice, as I’ve heard many parents say they can’t donate/volunteer/die for a cause because… Kids. They can’t help anyone but their kids usually, not always because they don’t want to, but because they usually can’t. Parents simply can’t do as much for the world beyond their households because they have prior obligations. Their world, as I’m sure you can attest to, shrinks.
I thought that perhaps you could use another perspective of child-freedom while I was here. While us Child-free people don’t have kids, just know that if everyone had them, the world would probably be a considerably harsher place. Please ponder that, and recognize that while not everyone has children, those who don’t aren’t guaranteed to be grappling with pettiness. As fear is of no concern to me. Thank you for your time. For what’s its worth I think you’re an excellent writer.
To be fair, if you look at the date I wrote this it was long before Jillian adopted. I believe adoption is a beautiful, selfless act as well.
Hi, Rock. I’ve had some time to read your comment and re-read this old post of mine very carefully, and I have to admit that it seems as if you are connecting some imaginary dots. I am not frustrated by the fact that Jillian Michaels didn’t want to physically have a child or by anyone’s choice to remain childless. What I write about in this post is being frustrated with the fact that someone who is known as a champion for women’s body image and health and fitness goes on the record as saying the reason she doesn’t want to get pregnant is because of how it would impact her body. I then talk about how, yes, the physical aspects of motherhood are a form of “dying to self.” No where do I imply that adoptive mothers or what the Catholic Church refers to as spiritual mothers – that is women who nurture/serve others who aren’t their own children (e.g., women who volunteer, aunts who love their nieces or nephews, etc.) – are any less because their sacrificial love manifests outside of pregnancy and physical motherhood. Before you get defensive and send barbed words my way, please carefully read my words and try not to read between the lines based on your own experience with other Christian mothers.
But thank you for your thoughts and for your compliment on my writing.