After I fessed up about my tortured relationship with technology, several emails landed in my inbox from other moms out there who find it difficult, at times, to put email, Internet, texting, blogging, etc. in their proper place.
Why, I began to wonder, do we struggle with temperance and prudence when applied to technology?
I’ve come up with a few theories as I’ve sorted through my own feelings.
Technology allows moms to multitask like never before.
Moms are multitasking mavens, so it’s no wonder we turn to technology to make our life easier and to allow us to do more at once. The problem is, a lot of us assume we can do more than we’re really capable of without becoming overwhelmed or stressed.
An email from a reader explained it this way: “You have observed in yourself and other moms what many of the cognitive psychology people are observing and trying to inform people of – that multi-tasking is incredibly inefficient and no one realizes it because people have a natural tendency to overestimate their cognitive capacities (think texting and driving) and think that they can handle it all. It’s hard not to do and we have to do it as moms, but there’s only so much attention to go around, so something’s gotta give.”
She’s on to something here. Somehow I have it my head that I can cook dinner and sweep the floor and talk on the phone and check my email on my Smartphone and keep my kids happy and maintain serenity in my own heart. When I write that, I realize just how ridiculous that is. And even if you can juggle a million things at once, that doesn’t mean you should. This is a prescription for burnout.You’d think I’d have learned this lesson by now. My first major burnout episode occurred during my senior year of high school when I was training and preparing to join the cross country team, taking a load of AP classes, student council secretary, in a play, dating my first real boyfriend, and trying to keep my weight below a certain number. One evening I came home feeling awful. I ended up being diagnosed with a serious case of mono that led to severe swelling of my spleen and liver. To tell you how warped I am, my parents actually caught me trying to exercise – even though I was at risk of rupturing my spleen – when I was supposed to be resting in my bedroom. Some teens sneak pot into their rooms. My contraband? Dumbbells. (Weirdo!) I was out of school for three months, and my doctor said I was lucky that it wasn’t longer. Good news is I’m not nearly as psycho as I was then. Really. I promise. :-) But, clearly, I struggle with trying to do too much, and technology can be a danger to Type Aers like me and can contribute to a major multitasking meltdown.Technology, with its promises of speed and efficiency, leads us believe we can be everywhere and do virtually everything at once. But what it really does is turns our brains to mush, makes us feel overwhelmed, and keeps us from living a present. Whenever I’ve caught myself moving at a frantic clip and attempting to accomplish too much, everything becomes a blur, including good times.
Technology is necessary, ubiquitous, and offers limitless information.
In this day and age, it’s difficult to live without the Internet, email, etc. Even my mom who suffers from complete computerphobia recognizes the need to have email and has just recently entered the texting world. (For the past week, she’s actually been sending me an encouraging text each morning like: “You are doing the most important and most difficult job in God’s eyes. Give yourself a break.”) In fact, many of the volunteer committees my mom belongs to at her parish rely on email as the main form of communication. She accepts that she has to log on from time to time to be an effective volunteer, but you’d never find her reading anyone’s blog (other than mine, of course. Thanks, Mom!).
The same holds true for moms who are household organizers and in control of their kids’ schedules; we rely on technology to stay informed and keep organized (I love my iCal and I actually need to return to really using my daily schedule, which allots certain blocks for screen time.) Last fall Madeline played soccer, and I never received a phone call from any of her coaches. Instead, they communicated everything via email.
As a homeschooling mom, I’m extremely grateful for the vast resources available to me on the Web. However, the fact that technology is necessary, everywhere, and provides access to infinite information makes it more challenging to strike the right balance.The same reader who shared her thoughts on the problem with multitasking said she and her husband have discussed buying Smartphones and have decided against getting them, partly because it would only increase the temptation to constantly be connected and to miss out on the realness of life.
So many of us carry our Smartphones with us. We have a computer (or even computers!) in our homes. We log on to the Internet just to research the Palaeozaic Era for our budding paleontologist, but then we fall down the rabbit hole of information. Our curiosity gets the best of us just because there’s so much tantalizing information sucking us in. What could have taken 15 minutes ends up being 45 minutes and you’ve somehow ended up on a site with the inside scoop on the latest summer fashion trends, which obviously has nothing to do with Dimetrodons roaming the land.
One of the reasons food addictions are so difficult to master is because food is essential to living and also an integral part of gathering and celebrating together with our family and community. Technology is becoming like food. We need it to be successful and to raise our children in this digital age, but we should be the ones controlling it, not the other way around. This becomes tough – especially when we carry around a Smartphone at all times. Consider a glutton recovering from a food addiction carrying around a chocolate bar in her pocket everywhere she went. This would demand more self-denial than if she could close her fridge or toss out the chocolate bar after she left the restaurant.
Technology makes us feel less isolated.
Motherhood is often a solitary job, especially when you’re in the season of motherhood I’m in and are often at home alone with little ones. In times past, moms sought a sense of community beyond the walls of their homes. I remember talking to an older woman in her seventies who remembers having afternoon tea time with ladies in her neighborhood while their children played together. This was an opportunity for moms to connect. The speed of life, suburbia, the death of a true sense of community make it more difficult for these informal, in-the-flesh gatherings.
Nowadays we’re just a click away from meeting new “friends.” The computer – from online discussion boards to emailing friends – can provide a wide social outlet. I know one veteran mom who’s very involved in online communities who says she wishes she had this when she was the mom of young children because she often felt lonely. I agree that technology and the Internet in particular can facilitate friendships and offer encouragement for moms, but there’s a temptation to peg ourselves as social butterflies just because we’re “chatting” with lots of e-friends – even if we don’t make one single real human connection on a given day (or worse, week!).
As I prepare to leave my current community and the real life friends I’ve grown to love over the past several years, there’s a part of me that is anxious about moving to a new town and having to start all over to build new friendships. Thankfully, I quickly discovered a homeschooling message board and then a conscious parenting Yahoo group all with local ties to our new home. It’s been very helpful and has made me aware of resources in the area and also made me feel like I already have some new friends. And, yet, I’ve never met any of these women. I’m sure I will once we move, but I’ll have to make the effort and not get lazy or think I’m connected just because I have a few new email buddies. We can’t fool ourselves into thinking we have a sense of community just because we have 233 friends on Facebook or “talk” to people on Twitter or message boards.
Technology makes us feel productive even when, in reality, we’re wrestling with sloth.
Sally Thomas had an excellent post related to this. She wrote, “I wonder about time spent staring at a screen for any reason. Obviously I do it, and I’m really not gearing myself to stop (relax, O faithful remnant). But it seems to me that it becomes a kind of pseudo-routine which supplants real routines, which of course are the bane of the acedic. I get up in the morning and check my email, for example — before and often instead of saying the Morning Office. A problem? I think so. I spend half an hour writing away at my novel, and then half an hour glancing for a second at Facebook. A problem? Well, it’s not like I have half-hours to throw away.”
I’ve never thought of myself as someone who had to worry about sloth. I’m a worker bee. I get things done. But a few months ago as I was dredging myself from the mires of depression, I remember thinking, “Oh, this is all too much. I just can’t do it all, so why even try?” So there were days when I didn’t bother to take a shower. Now I’m not judging any mom of little ones who doesn’t bathe regularly. There are days when it really is tough to find time to groom. However, there were some days when I avoided showering or some other task that seemed pointless or boring and, yet, somehow I still managed to find time to read a favorite blog.
As I’ve been praying about the future of my online presence, I’ve realized that idleness is not found only in doing nothing but also in doing things other than what is demanded of us in the office of our life. The trouble is if we’ve posted several witty entries on our blog or sent messages to our favorite Facebook friends or launched an engaging conversation in our favorite social network, we might convince ourselves that we’re being productive. Look at all these words I’ve put out there, all these people I’ve connected with today. But if I’m putting other necessary, albeit boring duties on the backburner, then I’m still guilty of sloth. We often can’t measure what we do as wives and mothers; there’s no software to gauge your success as a parent. But our work – even the most tedious tasks like removing crud from the high chair – is so very important.
Consider the good wife of Proverbs 31. She’s one industrious lady. “She obtains wool and flax and makes cloth with skillful hands. Like merchant ships, she secures her provisions from afar. She rises while it is still night, and distributes food to her household.” Those are just few of the duties she embraces without complaint. Never does she bemoan the frustrations and the inconveniences of working so hard. Never does she say, “Well, I’ll make those coverlets just as soon as I throw away 30 minutes on Twitter.”
Technology can have a healthy, helpful role in our lives. I really believe that, but we can’t use technology like blogging, social networking, emailing, etc. or for that matter, any pastime we pursue – no matter how busy it makes us feel – to merely be an escape from the ennui of motherhood.
What about you? Why do you think a lot of people and moms in particular struggle with putting technology in its place?
*And for those of you who don’t blog, don’t care about technology but just happen to occasionally like to see only the most flattering photos of my kids, I promise to return to my regularly scheduled content soon. :-)
I'd just like to add something about feeling productive as a mother. I find where technology really gets dangerous is not only when it takes the place of doing the tedious mothering/housekeeping tasks (which I personally let slide way too often but I try not to worry about it), but when it takes the place of playing, truly playing, with your kids. It's easy to sit at the computer or phone and only be partially engaged with what your kids are doing, but at least sometimes, they need you (being fully present) to get on the floor, be their patient when they're playing doctor, be their audience for the puppet show, be a guest at their tea parties. Playing with your kids IS being a productive mother, although there's nothing tangible to show for it. So don't let the phone, internet, etc. get in the way of that special time kids don't get enough of these days. My hippie, Le Leche leader mother had a poem hanging in the kitchen when I was growing up that now hangs in my kitchen: "Cleaning and scrubbing can wait 'til tomorrow, for children grow up we've learned to our sorrow, so quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep, I play with my children 'cause children don't keep." I'm sure this could be rewritten by someone cleverer than me to incorporate our modern devices that take us away from our children. Just a thought. Thanks for bringing this issue to the forefront, Kate; I think lots of people, not just moms, struggle with this.
Great point, Jessica. I love that "hippie" poem. Here it is in its entirety (I keep it saved on my computer as a reminder of just how fleeting this time with my wee ones is):
"Song for a Fifth Child (The Value of Values) "
by Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth!
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing and butter the bread,
Sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking!
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo,
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my "Roo."
(Lullabye, rockabye, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
But children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs;
Dust, go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby,
And babies don't keep.
Thanks very much for the link, Kate, and for posting the poem, which I'd never seen. I thought this a lot about my fourth child, though I wish I'd known she'd be my last. If I had, I'd have made more of an effort to think it more.
I know sloth is a big problem for me. And yet, like you say, Kate, it is really impossible to just unplug. The computer is necessary for so many aspects of my life. My one attempt to fast from it for a week was really not successful as I realized that I did need to be online at least a little each day. But my problem is I can't seem to find or create appropriate boundaries for myself. I've seen many people suggest the rules that work for them: setting a time limit, setting certain set times of day. I haven't been able to make them work for me.
I also realize that some part of the issue for me at least is that after each of my c-sections I am pretty much stuck in my chair for hours, snuggling the baby and putting my feet up and trying to recuperate. It is so tempting to disappear into the world of the internet to avoid the mess and frustration of not being able to do anything about it. And then I build bad habits that are so hard to break when I don't have that excuse.
I know I feel better, the kids respond better, are happier, when I step away from the computer more frequently getting down on the floor to play. But it's finding the self-discipline to do so that is so hard.
Isolation is a huge part of it too. As an introvert it really drains me to get out of the house to have play dates, library story time, even visiting family. It's exhausting just to get to the grocery store and Target. Really, just being with three little needy people all day drains me. I need time to recharge my batteries if I'm going to be able to play with my kids. I'm not sure I can add more outside the home activities to our schedule without going crazy. And I don't know anyone locally becasue we've only lived here for a year. And I don't have the energy or resources to try to create new friendships right now. And yet I do need adult conversations, intellectual stimulation, mothers to support me, inspire me, pray with me. As much as I struggle to find balance, I keep coming back to the fact that I can't just step away from the mom blogs because they do fill a real need. I wish I had a best friend next door who could fill those needs without being a drain; but I don't and so here I am riding this see-saw.
So back to the initial question: How to avoid sloth? How to find balance? How to meet my needs and those of my kids?
Coming back to add that what seems to work, on the days I come closest to achieving a happy balance is postponing. I don't let myself get online until I've done the dishes and the laundry and made my bed and said the divine office. Somehow if I sit down at my computer with things already done it is also easier to get up after a shorter time to get more things done. Whereas if I tell myself I'll do stuff after I just check my email real quick, it is much less likely to happen.
I find myself comparing the people I meet in real life to my online "friends" and finding them lacking. I know I shouldn't be so picky, but I think it does make it harder when you know there are people you relate to so well but they aren't geographically realistic candidates for "real" friends. Why don't you live by me? Lol. And I can totally relate to Melanie's sentiment of it being hard to put forth the necessary effort to make new friends when you know you will be moving soon. With Hubby getting his doctorate and now having a 1 year clerkship, I know we will be moving and find myself thinking lazy thoughts about making new friends.
On a different note, I think part of it is a tendency towards overplanning on my part. Instead of just going for a walk, discovering the library 5 minutes away, and reading the hours off the door, I use my iPod touch to google map the quickest directions, then look up the library hours online, them go. I should try to be more spontaneous!
Great discussion, ladies, and you all make good points. I continue to pray and ponder just how to find balance. I find it's helpful to have an alloted time to check email, go online, etc. I did this during Lent after I had a longer, stricter Internet fast to kick off the season, and it worked well. Now I just have to stick to it, which is more difficult since I now have an iPhone and instant access to email, the Internet, etc.
Maman A Droit, you make a good point about friendships. I've been able to find the "perfect" friends online. These women share my faith, my parenting philosophy, my politics, etc. It's wonderful to have these people in my life; yet, I know I need physical friends – people I can reach at a different emotional and physical level than an online friend. Likewise, I have a lot of real life friends who don't share all of my views, but I consider this a blessing. These friends challenge me to look at the world different, to examine my own beliefs and why I believe them, and to strive to be a wife, mom, person who lives a life of goodness (and doesn't only write about it). Plus, I know some e-friends I've met who think I'd be the perfect friend would be disappointed in the real life version of me. :-) Just ask some of my "real" friends. Seriously, it's far easier to construct the ideal friend online and to be completely blind to their quirks, failings, and humanness.
I am so grateful for this online community I have found. But I know I need to make more of an effort when we move to meet real friends, too. I'm nervous by the prospect, but God is always asking us to step out of comfort zone.
One other struggle I have is inviting interruptions with kindness. For instance, right now my kids are happily playing together (thus, the rambling comment), but if I happened to hear them start screeching and I was finished shaping my thoughts, I'm tempted to become agitated. This isn't fair to them – or to me. This is when all of our stress levels rise. So I have to step away from the computer, from my thoughts, and know that I can return to them. When little ones are underfoot, a lot of your thoughts and conversations come out fragmented. But that's okay. Our mom-friends understand.
Speaking of which, little one just started crying! :-)