Good news: My husband has been snuggling with our sweet baby the past several nights, and I’ve actually gotten more than four hours of sleep in a row! Woo-hoo! Mary Elizabeth has finally hit the “slept through the night” milestone. (I refuse to consider how our upcoming move will likely lead to sleep regression.)
Some lucky readers may be thinking this is insane given that she’s nearly 15 months old. However, my first didn’t hit this milestone until about 2 and didn’t start really sleeping well until the past year (she’s 5 1/2). She’s a great sleeper now. She slept in to almost 9 a.m. the other day. One definite perk of homeschooling is not having to race out the door in the morning or to force groggy children out of their beds before they’re ready.
When I read or hear about moms of newborns who are celebrating their little ones sleeping for five hours in a row, I’m always in shock. After the shock wears off, I start to get just an eensy-weensy bit envious of these moms. Then I start thinking really wholesome, Christian thoughts like, “Well, their kids must not be nearly as inquisitive as mine.” Then I curse myself for being so catty and start to question my parenting tactics. Maybe I’m just doing everything wrong. Then I remember my second child slept well all on her own and remind myself that nature sometimes wins over nurture. Or maybe it’s how much I nurture that makes my kids less of sleepers.
Whatever the case, rest assured (hopefully, you rest better than I do) I’m not looking for sleep advice here. I’ve read all the “how to get your kids to peacefully drift off to Slumberland and stay there all night long” books. When the baby’s in bed with me, I nurse in the side-lying position, which is supposed to mean I scarcely wake up for nighttime feedings (ha!). I physically cannot bear hearing my babies “cry it out,” so maybe it is my fault my children do not sleep long stretches at wee ages. (Yet, again, my second slept through the night and slept very well until just recently when nighttime fears have been causing her to wake frequently, and I used the same sleep strategy with her. So there.) :-)
Really, what my recent stretch of sleep has done for me (besides given me more time to yak about sleep or lack thereof) is given me hope. My recent bout of postpartum depression left me questioning my ability to care for another baby (and myself). For the first time in my life, I was really, really fearful about the prospect of my fertility returning.
But that’s all changing, thanks to God’s grace.
This morning I actually was able to wake up just before 6 a.m. because I wasn’t up all night. I prayed. I went on an early morning walk. I had a cup of coffee in silence before my preschooler shuffled down the stairs and cuddled with me on my lap. I burrowed my nose in her hair, and I swear I smelled sunshine. I felt so stinkin’ happy just having a decent night’s rest and wondered if I’ve been a sleep martyr for too long.
Then a part of me (the insane part) started to feel wistful that my baby is already starting to need me less at night.
It’s good to feel wistful instead of fearful. This is where God Family Planning is such a beautiful thing. My own fertility is connected to how frequently I nurse – especially at night. So just as my baby (or I guess I should say toddler) and I are beginning the slow process of night weaning, I’m beginning to see my fertility as the gift that it is. Just as I’m blessed with more sleep, my heart is starting to long again for the hope of new life.
God is so wise. If only I trusted His plan for my family and me more fully.
Good morning Kate!
First of all, I wanted to say that I've been following your blog for awhile now (from a recommendation of a friend) and just love reading what you have to say, beautiful!
Second, this post really spoke to my heart, because my son (soon to be 11 months in a few days) does not sleep very well/long either. I suppose somewhere in there, it's because of me(?) or just because who he is. I blame both ever so slightly. We're coming around the bend slowly too…and I feel like that's ok. Lots of his friends (well, my friends, their kids) have been sleeping straight through the night at 7 months! Not sure how that happens…oh well.
I have often felt a sleep martyr too, but then I tell myself that they are only this young once. They will only need me like this once in their life. Later on it will be a different need. I like that thought for now. A gift from God, I say.
But, at the same time, we are w-o-r-k-i-n-g on getting more sleep in this house. That too is a gift.
Whew! So sorry for the long comment…and the rambling. Thanks again!
God bless ;^)
Glad you're getting more sleep! It's amazing how that little bit extra makes such a difference. I know you're gearing up for the move – let us know when you're ready for some visitors!!
I tell people my baby "sleeps through the night" from
like 9:30pm to about 7:30 am, but of course what I mean is, he sleeps those 10 hours, except for the 3-6 times he wakes up to nurse. Lol. It's sort of amazing to me that there are babies who literally sleep the whole night without nursing. He's so busy playing all day I'm not sure he'd get enough calories if he didn't eat all night! Anyway, recently he's been snuggling daddy more and more and nursing less and less. It's tough to feel like that nursing relationship is becoming less vital, and know soon it will end altogether. But I agree, it's God's way of getting us and our nursling ready for a new baby!
Thanks Kate! You know, my kids are about the same ages as yours and my littlest is 15 months and we're just started working on nighttime too. I'd been feeling much the same way as you, not sure I could handle another little one and fearful of my fertility returning. And then, a month ago I got a positive pregnancy test – no cycle, and not very clear signs that anything was happening. Wow. I didn't "feel" ready for that. And yet, overall (but not in the evenings when I'm nauseous and exhausted) I'm at peace and working at trusting God that he will give me the grace when I need it. Just wanted to share my story. I really enjoy your blog. Thanks for taking the time to share!
I've been blessed that 2 of my 3 were/are good sleepers. The other one, well, she has figured it out now, but occasionally I leave for work @ 10 pm and she is talking… Congrats Kate!
Marie, congrats on your pregnancy!
My oldest is not a sleeper. From day one sleep was a fight, both nap time and bed time. In fact, when other people told me about their kids sleeping I just knew they had to be lying. Maybe for my own sanity. Then I had my second and she only got up 2 times a night from the very beginning. I guess that is how is has to be, if I had a sleeper followed by a non-sleeper I probably would have lost my mind.
I can't believe she is already 15 months old! This makes me sad to think we haven't seen each other since baby Rae was well, a baby. Your girls are growing up before my eyes!
Hooray for Mary Elizabeth and for you!
So hard to deal with depression when you are also sleep deprived!
I've a confession to make. The only reason any my kids have ever slept through the night after the four month mark is because I resorted to a sort of crying it out "lite". It was extremely agonizing but to me less agonizing than the alternative: the angry, yelling, impatient mommy I had become through lack of sleep. I have anger issues I'm working on but definitely not helped by sleep deprivation.
I didn't want to do it and finally came to it out of desperation in part because the babies were not really sleeping so well anyway. (In Bea's case once she did start sleeping longer at night after the crying it out was over, she started being a much happier child. Less cranky, better daytime naps.) No one was really happy with the no cry alternatives. And because I was so so tired and unbalanced we finally reasoned that on the whole the trade off of me being a kind, patient, cuddling, attentive mommy during the day was worth a few weeks of agony at night.
We never let them go for more than 15 minutes and it never took that long to fall asleep.
Crying it out was agony and I would never recommend it lightly. I respect anyone who decides it's not for them and who can deal with the sleep deprivation and not turn into Mrs Hyde. But I don't think it is helpful to do what some AP advocates (not you, Kate, but others I've seen) do and put extreme guilt trips on moms who turn to crying it out for a sleep solution.
Not trying to stir the pot; but suggesting that some of the women you envy for their sleeping babies (just in case I've ever been one of them) may have had to make compromises you weren't willing or able to make.
And now that I've wasted some time online, perhaps I'll go toss and turn some more and see if I can beat this insomnia.
Oh, Melanie. Do not feel guilty. Let me tell you: My first is a tenacious, little bugger. I believe I've mentioned this before, but our dear one held her poop in for 15 days while being a daily, adult dosage of Miralax. Her spirited nature manifested itself in her sleep patterns as well. I've written about it before, but I've never subscribed to the belief that there's one right way to raise kids. And that second child I talk about who was a good sleeper as an infant (we're having some issues right now), well, I did let her cry occasionally, but they were brief whimpers. It wasn't rigid sleep training or anything. My point being that when I tried to let the first one "cry it out," it was horrendous. It would have lasted for hours and hours. (She takes after her daddy who apparently was not a good sleeper at all either and was high-need as a baby and now is the most laid back guy in the world.) I'm not suggesting it wasn't terribly difficult for you, but our children's temperaments definitely have the power to make sleep issues big or little.
Mary Elizabeth has been doing really well, in part, because all Daddy has to do is pat her belly and cuddle with her. This is a form of sleep "training" per se. I wish we'd tried it a long time ago so I could have gotten more sleep. Poor Madeline has had me convinced that none of my children will "go down" easily, but I'm learning each child is unique and I don't have to be such a big sleep martyr.
Melanie, your honesty here is beautiful. I hate it when a mom who embraces any form of parenting style/ideology gets self-rigthteous and assumes things about other parents (um, like me thinking catty thoughts about those moms I envy with slumbering babes!). :-) We all have struggles, and I hope my posts don't ever suggest I am an uber mom who never lets her kids cry or who never raises her voice, etc. I WANT to be that mom, and every day I TRY to be that mom, but I can be so stubborn and not open myself to God's abundant graces.
With this bout of depression, I really struggled and I had to ask for help so I could catch up on sleep during the day since my nights were so short. I'm blessed to have a great, close circle of friends as well as family nearby. I could not have done this without them. Some women have husbands who can frequently take night shifts, but it's been only recently while my husband has not had to go into the hospital at all hours that he's been able to help.
All of our circumstances are so different. I tend to lean toward attachment parenting principles, but I want to make it clear that this is an ideal of mine. I fall short all of the time. Likewise, as I've mentioned "natural" mothering/parenting to me is really about finding God's way in the trenches, and God purposes different people for different things. What I really want to embrace is "supernatural" mothering and to have God shine through every single word I utter, action I take, and decision I make.
Insomnia be gone for you, beautiful mama. That's the worst. I cannot stand it when my babies sleep and I cannot. :-)
Blessings!
Hi Kate,
I am once again with you. I hear everyone talk about their babies "sleeping through the night" and I envy the thought of uninterrupted night's sleep but then when my five month old surprises me with a 3 or 4 hour stretch I am up pacing wondering when she will get up, if she is ok and the I sadly realize that she is just learning to sleep without me and yes, I get tearful. With this third baby, Gabby, 5 months, I have tried really hard not to complain about the sleep and nursing thing but to cherish it because like every other phase, it too shall pass. So I am learning to embrace it. I too begin thinking about another baby when my sleep gets better, unfortunately I developed some complications with my last pregnancy so it won't be as easy a decision this time around, all in God's hands, plus we're in no rush still nursing a lot and not on solids yet, it will be interesting to see how God guides our family on this one. God bless.
I love this article. Please don't stop blogging :)
I feel like what you are saying really hits home with me right now. My ds is now 13 months and he's still nursing and all that but it's at the point where I'm getting that glimpse of a little more freedom- where daddy can take over some evenings, or I can have a little more me time. I mean like it's just different now then when he was a baby. But now, decreeing when the next one will come. I'm really liking the more freedom but I want to be open if that's what is supposed to be. So what to do next…
Thanks for this post. I'm also glad to know nursing all night doesn't go on forever :) and when it stops I'll be sad just like you. It is pretty insane ;)
Cassie
I meant to say discerning instead of decreeing. I blame the auto correct
Wow Kate. So much of what you write hits home with me as well as so many of these other mammas! I don't know that I have slept through the night since I have had kids. :) my youngest is 26 mos. and still nurses two or three times during the night. I feel (and maybe fear) this is because she doesn't get enough of me during the day. With my other three children being all 5 and under, I am just a tad distracted and I know she gets ignored sometimes. I guess I try not to think about it too much because when I do think about what things in our lives would probably improve if I got more sound sleep, I start to question our choices as parents. I then ask myself if this is just part of the sacrifice I make as a mom? Maybe. Mostly I think of my own mother who did the same thing I am doing and I think about our closeness and wonder just a little bit if that is where it all started. Ah, the musings of the tired mommy:)
And by the way, I love your term "God Family Planning"– hits the nail on the head!
What? Babies sleep through the night? News to me!
I have been wanting to night wean for a while (and my 'baby' just turned two…) but honestly I'm kind of lazy. I am the type who can latch on and sleep through nursing. The problem is mornings. I would like to get early to savour a morning to myself, but as soon as I get up the girls are up too. This fall, after some reconstruction, the girls are going to have their own room.