Blasted semantics. So many misunderstandings, especially in the online world, boil down to word choice.
I mentioned how difficult it was for me to write my latest column at Inside Catholic. A lot of it had to do with the fact that I was rehashing some painful memories in my past. But I also knew that whenever you bring up those two words “attachment parenting,” you’d better brace yourself for some backlash. The very first time I ever participated in an online discussion in a forum, in fact, I mentioned I was an AP parent and immediately was pegged as a smothering mother who was insecure and was raising leeches for children. I wanted support with a weaning problem; I never expected to be chastised, especially in a Christian forum.
Then there was a time when I didn’t for the first time agree with a prominent Catholic parenting expert and attachment parenting proponent I admire when he suggested the only surefire way to raise saints was to follow attachment parenting, which unfortunately has come to mean following a set of rigid rules when instead it should be focused on forming a loving, attached bond to our children. Yes, there are certain strategies, if you will, to build this bond, but there’s no perfect form of parenting – unless you’re God or maybe His Mother.
This same expert implied that children spaced closer than 2 1/2 to 3 years apart could not be loved as fully as they deserved. Well, ecological breastfeeding works for me as an organic way of spacing my children. Good for me. But I have a good friend who nurses on demand for nutrition and comfort; yet, her half-dozen children come quickly and predictably spaced about 16 months apart. And they are well-loved, blessed children. These blanket declarations are dangerous.
I hate it when moms attack. I hate the self-righteousness that can unfortunately emerge from the mouths of some attachment parents. But I hate it just as much when someone suggests me discussing my form (or the AP ideal I strive for) of parenting only makes other moms feel guilty or that I am too involved in my children’s every waking hour.
This is when I want to be a detachment parent more than ever. I want to stop reading about all the theories and rules of good parenting. I want to stop convincing myself my children belong to me and not to God and that every mistake or every thing I do right is going to chip away or build up their selves and souls.
As I attempted to clarify in the combox following some of the negative feedback after the article, when I used the term in “detachment” in my column, I was referring to spiritual detachment. I have read a great deal about the attachment theory in psychology and never meant to underestimate the importance of forming a secure bond with our children or to suggest that parental love and sacrifice do not matter or make any difference in a child’s life.
I remember long ago when we were attending counseling as a family and we were wondering what went wrong with my older brother. The counselor actually started to cry and said something about what a loving family we were and that that love had made a difference. She told my parents if my brother hadn’t had that foundation of love and the strong familial bond, his addiction could have been so much worse. At the time, we could not imagine it being worse. But she was probably right.
When I wrote about how I now also practice “detachment” parenting, I was not suggesting I throw my children to the wolves and let them fend for themselves or that I believe I have no power to help shape their souls. I have a great responsibility as their mother. It’s my duty every day to give in the hope that I can love them into loving and being good people. I do not want to raise “detached” children, but I do want to raise children who recognize the fruit of detachment. Of course, we should desire a strong bond with our children rather than a distant, detached one.
And, yet, I know from my personal experience and the pain I experienced growing up with a sick brother – and that is exactly what addiction is: a terrible, heartbreaking sickness – and witnessing the guilt and the what-ifs my parents wrestled with for a long time that we can do almost everything “right” and our children won’t turn out the way we’d hoped or planned. We can blame ourselves. We can try to control them or manipulate them. We can see their behavior as evidence that we failed them and didn’t give enough or that we were lousy parents who never formed a good bond. On the other hand, if they become great saints or noble humanitarians, we can fool ourselves into thinking it’s because we were uber parents. Or, we can accept with God’s grace that we were never in as much control as we would have liked to believe. Our children belong to God, not us. They grow up and become whom they were created to be in spite of us. Our primary goal should be to attach ourselves and our children to Christ. When we are too attached – in a spiritual sense – to people, their behavior, or things, we become anxious and contentment is elusive.
I’m sorry if my failings as a writer implied attachment parenting was in opposition with Church teachings or that we should detach ourselves from forming close relationships with our children. I don’t agree with that at all. Attachment parenting is beautiful. As any regular reader of my blog knows, I work hard to embrace this style of parenting and have found it to be very fruitful. However, in my column or anywhere else I never mean to imply that following a set of rigid “rules” (i.e., wearing your baby/toddler) is the only way to be an attached parent. Children need love and lots of it. They need it even when they don’t deserve it. We need to be like Christ and give that love freely. The way we give that kind of love manifests itself in different ways in different families. But however we choose to parent, when we stumble, we can’t fear we’ve messed up our children for life. And if our little ones one day do grow up and leave the Church or to succumb to addiction or worse, we must turn them over to God’s loving care. We must detach ourselves from believing we ruined them or that we can save them.
My hope is that my column and my words would encourage parents, not pit them against one another or have them quibble over parenting styles. Wherever you find yourself in your parenting path, keep close the words of Saint Teresa of Avila and let nothing disturb you. God alone suffices. Believing this and living this is at the heart of detachment parenting.
UPDATE: I should have been more clear that the somewhat negative feedback I received from this particular article was not cruel or even an attack. I’m sorry if my bringing up past negative feedback convuluded things.
I just found it unfortunate that anyone would feel that my use of the word “detachment” was suggesting I was promoting hands-off parenting or that the principles of AP were to be avoided. Yes, our children belong to God. But that doesn’t free us from the responsibility of loving them with everything we’ve got. I know I’m rehashing the same things over and over, but that isn’t what I meant to imply by using the phrase “detachment parenting.” Our bodies are on loan from God, too, but we have the responsibility to take care of them. Our children are our greatest gifts. We must stay close enough to them so that our goodness, our love, and our faith might rub off on them. Our children are tenderly budding new lives, and we must nurture them in a loving way (however, we should be careful not to believe that how this love unfolds can or can’t be defined by a label of any particular parenting philosophy).
We should try to nurture in an attentive way as a gardener might tend to a young sapling. This is my duty. It is central to my vocation. Yet, even in the most fertile soil things do not always grow as they should. This is when I hope I’d have the wisdom to leave the tending to the Master Gardener.
Kate,
This is why you probably think about quitting blogging every once in a while. While conversations are encouraged, I hate to see how moms (and dads) get their kicks out of ripping into another parent trying to do his/her best. Or God forbid, just stating their opinion on what works for them. I know we can't all get along, but we can at least try and play nice. Let's build each other up instead of making one another feel bad for what words they used to express a bigger picture.
Wow. Now I need to go back and re-read that article and the comments. I agree with Colleen – I can see why you revisit your decision to blog. I didn't get that at all from the article. Besides – every parent knows their child and family the best. Unless there is real abuse or neglect going on, we all need to stop judging what works for someone else's family, and get on with our own vocation of raising our own children. Goodness.
Kate- I wasn't going to leave a comment on your article, which I felt was well-written and thoughtful. Not being Catholic myself (Anglican- just across the river!), I feel quite uneasy leaving comments over on the IC page. Especially, I might add, since the commenters there regularly quibble over seeming nonsense- as in most internet fora where people routinely misunderstand each other.
Just a few things- first, you articulated very well what has always been my beef with AP. When my children were born, I had a deep sense that *this* was what God had called me to do. I also had a deep sense that they were *not mine*. I don't think a person has to subscribe to AP to be a thoughtful, caring, loving parent, and I do wonder, as some of the commenters did, how AP can be balanced with Biblical truth of children being God's, NOT ours. AP (or any parenting style, I think) cannot be the vaccination against a life of bad choices. I in no way want to suggest that AP is evil, or wrong, but just that for me, it doesn't fall in line with what I see the Word saying about children.
HOWEVER- your post on DP (if I may call it that) very eloquently tells the other side of the story. "Train them up in the way they should go; and when they are old they will not depart from it"- this is huge- and so, so deeply true. If we love and trust God, and want the best for our kids, then at some point we must detach. The roots we've given them will serve them as they make their own (bad or good) decisions. But when they are old…this is the truth I grasp so tightly. God is faithful, and knows the plans He has for us (and our kids). Praise be.
Hope this makes sense. Loved the article. Don't let the quibblers get you down. It was well said and well done. Blessings.
I am so sorry that you were attack about semantics in a well written and deeply felt article about your life experience of family and faith. You are absolutely right that anyone who has read your blog or other writings knows the love you feel for your daughters and your commitment to form strong attachments with them that they may feeling truly loved and supported go out into the world sure of yours and God's love for them.
Breath, enjoy your new home, and trust in what you know to be true for you and yours. BTW am continuing to pray for your brother's vocational desires, please update when he begins his studies.
Oh you know exactly what real attachment parenting is. Not rules, or certain steps you have to take… Its Fully giving yourself to your vocation as mother because you love Christ. Just like Mary at the foot of the cross.
Don't worry about he mean comments. Your article was lovely. :)
I think I, too, need to reread the article! I think your point was beautiful – and I loved how evenshine summed it up.
One thing I've learned in the 2 years of parenting I've been doing is that blanket statements are stupid. (And, yes, I am aware that what I just said is a blanket statement. :) ) Trying to AP made me a WORSE mother and my first born and I began to thrive once we set aside a lot of what everyone was telling us was best and figured out what really IS best FOR US!
I want to thank everyone for their support. Colleen, this does help explain one reason I've considered bowing out from the online world. Yet, it's my inability to detach (imagine that!) myself from any negative feedback – even when it is provided in a charitable way – that I really need to work on. I always have this idea that my words will only edify, that everyone will get one I'm saying and no one will read between the imaginary lines. How self-absorbed is that?!!? So I'm learning to let go of my words. I'm learning to pray over them, too. I hope that when I do goof as a writer, the Holy Spirit might fill in the gaps or clear things up.
Anyway, I'm thankful for this little community we have over here. I'm thankful people overlook my typos and don't get fed up when I write about my kids' bowel movements or when I get way too serious and start pontificating about this and that. I'm thankful for the kindness I witness here time and time again. Even when people don't agree with everything I write, nearly all the comments are charitable on my blog. Thank you for that, and thank you for encouraging me as a wife, mom, writer, and a follower of Christ.
Blessings!
Wow, I can't believe people got so worked up about your article. Having a brother who struggled with drugs and alcohol and seeing the emotional toll that took on my mom who wondered where she'd gone wrong, I knew exactly what sort of detachment you were talking about. It's a good reminder to me to try to assume the best when I read articles online by authors who may not be coming from the same place as me like you always seem to be!
I found refreshment in your article. I already struggle with worry that the mistakes I make will steer my children in the wrong direction. Your article reminded me that God is ALWAYS in control. Thank for that eye opener! Don't let the naysayers get you down.
Wow Kate. Like everyone else, so DID NOT get that from your article. In fact, when I commented at IC, I felt that you were validating my position that God is entrusting me with these souls, but ultimately God is in control, so when my plans for AP backfired from day one with all my kids, I realized, it wasn't about me, it was about THEM and letting God lead our lives and followint the cues to parent them the way they needed not me! Like I said there, God blessed me with 3 spirited, strong-willed children because that's what I needed (maybe not what I wanted at first, but what I needed for sure).
And I totally support you in this because I have been there. I got some real nasty comments a couple years back when I suggested that we acknowledge that it's our child's birth not "our birth" when we talk about decisions such as home birth, c-sections, epidurals, etc. My comments were directed to a friend struggling with grieving "her homebirth" didn't go well at all and ended up with an emergency c-section in the hospital. I was trying to show how her giving birth in that way saved her baby's life (true knot in the cord among other scary things) and was her first selfless act as a mother. Yeah, the comments I got about belittling women were beyond cruel. Keep your head up and keep fighting the good fight.
I am a recent follower of your blog, but please let me join your cheering squad in saying that I, too, did not read your "detachment" article in the way your critics appear to have.
Let me also say that the reason I felt so drawn to your blog and am now a happy subscriber is that I deeply appreciate the way you discuss your own experience as an attachment parent, and do not treat it as the ONLY way to parent and harangue those who do not chose the AP approach. I have found that a hybrid of several approaches is the best thing for my son and my family and have had a hard time finding a blog to follow that doesn't make me feel scolded half the time. Thank you for the solace I find in the honesty, balance, and non-judgmental nature of your writing!
Kate, last night I realized that my earlier comment might be misunderstood. I wasn't commenting on what YOU wrote. I was commenting on how it was misunderstood and attacked. I thought your article shared a lot of wisdom and insight. And I appreciated that it was shared in a way that didn't make me feel like a bad mom for not doing things exactly the same way.
I hope all this makes sense. Geesh.
Helen, welcome, and thank you so very much for your encouraging words. I really appreciate it.
Bonnie, your comments made perfect sense. I just wanted to clarify my own words. This move has me all discombobulated! :-)
Oh boy!!! You can't win. I did appreciate your views on Jas' addiction. Thanks!
I've had similar experiences recently where I thought I was writing something very clearly, and very few readers saw it that way. ;) (At least, from my admittedly sensitive perspective.)
I totally got what you were saying in your spiritual detachment article (I mean, I do really think so!), and I agree wholeheartedly. I didn't comment over there, because I was frankly a little befuddled at the negative comments and the misunderstandings of your point. I have the same strong belief that caring deeply for my child is important — and, yet, it is not the only thing that determines his path. There is so much beyond my control, and I have to let go and not consider myself God over him.
I appreciated your sharing your brother's story, and also bringing in Henry Granju's story, because that topic has hit home lately: How much control do we, as parents, even as loving, attached parents, have in the end? We must try; we must. But we are not the ones ultimately in control.
Anyway, I just wanted to encourage you and say that I appreciate your vulnerability in opening yourself up on forums where the readers don't seem to always understand you or be on your side. (Your lovely breastfeeding in Mass article comes to mind.) You are a very strong person, and you respond with sensitivity and grace, which I am trying to emulate. Thank you, and peace be with you.
Great Article, Kate! I couldn't agree more!