In my last post, I mentioned Madeline’s persistent fever. What I didn’t bring up is how concerned I was starting to become. My little, hopping cricket was no longer hopping. She was sleeping. All. Of. The. Time. As soon as I thought her fever had broken, it would return. She’d start to cry and would tell me she was freezing even though her body was like fire to touch. This went on for 11 days. As I mentioned, my husband got her in to see a doctor (in the ER) because we were having trouble securing a pediatrician in our new town. There they ruled out a UTI and an ear infection. On Monday (two days after she’d been to the doctor), she seemed more like herself again.
But on Tuesday she became lethargic again, and her fever returned.
On Wednesday, she woke up with a 102 fever (it had gotten up to 104.8 at one point), and I thought, “Enough of this cavalier approach. I’m getting my baby in to see a pediatrician.”
And I did. Our new pediatrician was wonderful. She was thorough and great with Madeline – and with a worried mom.
“We need to do a workup,” she said. She told me what the workup would include but when she got to the scary stuff, she starting spelling, “C-A-N-C-E-R markers.”
C-A-N-C-E-R. Madeline sat on my lap completely oblivious to the gravity of it all.
The pediatrician reassured me that it was likely viral, but this was just to be safe. I blinked back tears. Madeline noticed. She doesn’t miss a beat even when she’s under the spell of a high fever. “Mommy?”
“Oh, you know how Mommy gets. You know how I’ve been silly with this move. Everything’s fine.”
But in the back of mind, I was thinking, “What if this time everything isn’t fine?”
We went to the lab. They got us in so quickly. My new pediatrician who doesn’t even know us gave me her personal cell phone number. She told me she’d call as soon as she knew anything.
Which she did only an hour or so after the lab visit. It turns out that somehow the first tests missed a severe urinary tract infection. (We’re still wondering exactly how that happened.) Madeline is now on antibiotics. She has to get a renal ultrasound to check for scarring or an indication that this is going to be a chronic problem, but she’ll be fine. Absolutely, beautifully-thanks-be-to-God fine.
After just one dose of antibiotics, the girl was back in full throttle, talking and moving a mile a minute. In the morning, her voice boomed in our cavernous home (we won’t be furnishing all this space for a long time), but I didn’t complain. When she jumped around and talked nonstop, I thought about how wonderful it was to have my chatty, active, and healthy Madeline back
So often when bad things happen, we ask ourselves, “Why me?” but the night after I knew everything was going to be okay, I woke up asking another question, “Why not me?” I’ve asked this question before, and I’ve asked similar questions, too. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do some people seem to glide through life with little to no suffering while others endure heartbreak after heartbreak?
When I was a twenty-something and a friend of mine lost his young mother to cancer, I remember wondering when my lightening was going to strike. My life just seemed too blessed, too good. I knew then and I know now that God doesn’t work like that. He’s not weighing the pros and cons to help Him pick His next target for unbearable suffering. Still, it’s difficult to not feel any guilt when your worst fears weren’t realized, especially when you’ve faced some other scary chapters in your life that always seem to have happy endings.
Yet, as I watched my little girl revert back to her hopping cricket ways and bounce around in our yard as the slightest summer breeze lifted her sun-drenched hair, I decided it was time to ditch the guilt, to stop asking questions that are far too big for mortal me to ever begin to answer, and to just be grateful.
And that’s just what these past few weeks of feeling helpless about a sick child who would get well, dealing with moving headaches, minor setbacks, and weird things like a rain cloud bursting as soon as I walked out the door and then going away as soon as I get inside (I’m not kidding) have done for me: They’ve made me very, very grateful that this is all I’ve had to deal with.
Madeline’s health scare was, above all, a good reminder to soak up life, to stop worrying about the basement that still needs to be finished, the furniture that needs to be acquired, and all the other things that seemed so important before my baby girl came down with the fever that wouldn’t go away and the tiniest worry crept into my mama bear heart that she might not be well. Maybe my small, short-lived suffering was just what I needed to pull me out of my cocoon of comfort, laziness, and self-pity over all the inconsequential inconveniences I’ve had to manage lately and to remind me to not take my children, their health, our life together, and the fun that awaits us every day for granted.
My dad texted me after he heard the results of Madeline’s workup: “God is good. Sleep well tonight and remember each day is a precious gift.” That it is. I only pray I won’t squander it and will do my best to make good use of this gift for as long as it’s handed to me.
Wow. Glad she's okay. It's scary when they are sick like that for so long – Mommy intuition kicks in, and kicks butt!! That's my biggest fear in life – that something bad happens to my kids. I just have to remind myself that they are reallg God's children, and they are only on loan to me, so I can safely get that back to Him, whenever that may be. I pray it's a long time, but it's up to God.
I'm glad she is going to be okay, and that you trusted your instincts and got her seen a second time. Praying that there is not scarring.
I'm so glad to hear your little one is OK!
Deo Gratias! I'm so glad she's okay.
I'm glad she's ok. Lovely post and so true, I often have to remind myself to be thankful rather than guilty.
Oh Kate – I hear you…Lovely went through the same workup around age 3 for C A N C E R too. She had persistent fevers too. So scary for mom! I also ask "why NOT me" and life is day by day. I hear Kris' comment for sure, and your dad.
Bless you!!! Much love.
Kate,
You must be reading my mind. You have no idea how much I can relate. No idea.
Thankful right along with you that your baby is okay.
I hope you get settled into your new home soon. I'm still doing the same thing, too.
Bless you, wise Kate.
I can relate. Nolan had a high fever for 10 days last summer. He was displaying symptoms consistent with a few different things, but cancer stood out to me the most. Thankfully, it was just a very persistent virus. It definitely opened my eyes to stop worrying about all of the little things. So sorry you had to go through that, but so thankful that all is well.
So glad to hear she's okay, Kate. I've had that sinking feeling at the pediatrician's office before…thanks be to God that she's okay!
Oh so scary! I've been thinking about this all day. Thank God you caught it. I'm glad you've found a good pediatrician. I'm so very glad she's ok.
What a scare! SO glad that she is ok. Those moments make the hugs even dearer. Glad you have a great dr. here in town.
Thank you for the reminder. I've often felt overly blessed as well but am trying just to think of how those blessings might bless others. So thankful your little girl is ok.
May 9, 2008 my cousin Andy, at age 13, joined heavens ranks as an angel after a brief, terrible seven-month struggle with brain cancer. Through that entire ordeal, something gnawed at me. Suddenly I realized it when I heard it in person, my uncle was asking, "Why did this have to happen to us?" I knew as a parent he was grieving, so I bit my tongue, but in my head, I thought, "why not us? why not our family?" We have a large, supportive family; my uncle made very good money and lives on a large lake. Why wouldn't God choose us for this task? Andy became a great evangelizer in his last few months. He never complained, and he only cried when he awoke from a dream about 3 weeks before his death and told his parents he knew the treatment wasn't going to work and he was going to pass on soon. His tears were mixed with the words,"I'm going to miss all of you so much." It is so hard to be grateful for what we have while we have it. It is even harder to accept God's will when it is something we do not want. I am so happy Madeline is well and on the road to good health again. The grace you both will take from this experience will last a long time. God Bless you!
Kristin, what a heartbreaking yet inspiring story. Thy will be done is so very hard to embrace sometimes, isn't it?
Thank you for sharing your cousin's story.
Blessings,
Kate
Oh, what a relief! I am so glad you persisted with the doctors and got some answers!
So glad to hear that she's on the way to Betterville. Yay for pediatricians and worried mommies!
So glad to hear everything turned out well! Deo Gratias! It's so hard to go through such scary times, but on the other hand these reality/perspective checks are a blessing indeed. Sometimes we really can't understand how 'happy' we are and how well we 'should know it' until we are face to face with an alternative.
We are going through our own issue with our daughter. It sound every similar. The urine didn't really show anything in the ER so they did a CT scan (and x-rays). They were looking for appendicitis. Turns out my daughter has a spot on her left kidney. She's gotten to CT scans since July 15th, and we are still not exactly sure what the spot on her kidney is..we've been told it could be a cyst, an infection, or even a mass. We are still waiting to speak to a pediatric urologist.
I'm glad to hear that everything turn out okay for your daughter! (Even though we aren't sure what the spot is on our daughter's kidney she has been given antibiotics for a UTI).
Again I'm glad everything is turning out to be good for your daughter!!! That's a huge blessing!
SAHMinIL,I'm so sorry you're wrestling with uncertainty. I will say a special prayer for you and your daughter that you get some answers soon.
Thank-you!
Thank God!! (Which you are!!) Nothing is more important in this life than our health. Unfortunately we don't realize it until it's questioned. I'm so glad she's getting better, give her a hug from her Massachusetts friends :)
I'm so glad Maddy's ok :)
At one point our little guy realized he could gasp for air like he wasn't breathing and we didn't know he was(or even was capable of) doing it on purpose. So after a while (including a phone call to grandma who told us to get that baby to the doctor asap when she heard him do it over the phone!) we rushed to the ER…only to discover he was completely fine. But anyway, before we found out and felt foolish, I was so scared, thinking my baby was seriously I'll. It's a terrible feeling, and I'm so sorry you had to feel it.
Whew. You really had my blood pressure up there for a minute.
My recurrent UTIs very often don't show up in the pee tests until I ma seriously ill. Hope THAT's not a family trait – but if it is, you can make sure that Maddie isn't a twentysomething married lady before she learns to bully her doctor into prescribing antibiotics BEFORE the kidneys get involved.
Lovely post, Kate. Sometimes the ways of God seem completely haphazard. What He allows and what He stops…there's no formula or understanding. His ways are higher than our ways. It does help us to remember how precious every moment is, how fleeting time is, and how Sovereign God is through it all. Thanks for the reminder.
Thanks be to God!
My heart began to sink when I started read this.
I think my senses are a bit heightened because of how I am and who I am married to. At times, I find myself thinking of the absolute worst outcomes. I can relate. Hope she gets better soon.
Kate, I am so glad everything turned out okay but this is the type of thing I have thought about often. My family has been blessed with many good things, while other relatives have been given so many tragedies, I can only wonder 'why'? I will def. appreciate each day a bit more after reading…hope your kiddo is feeling better this week!
Kate, I am so glad everything turned out okay but this is the type of thing I have thought about often. My family has been blessed with many good things, while other relatives have been given so many tragedies, I can only wonder 'why'? I will def. appreciate each day a bit more after reading…hope your kiddo is feeling better this week!