I’m still working on organizing my photos and thoughts from my trip last week. Stay tuned…
I’m also still trying to catch up on laundry. One week of it piling up has left me buried beneath an overwhelming mound. (The kids love it – what fun to hide in all the dirty socks and underwear!) I feel like I’ll never get it all done, and I’ve been debating whether I should just stop trying. I feel so accomplished when all the laundry baskets are empty and the clothes are crisp and neatly folded. Order is restored. All is right in my little domestic world. But in a flash just after I’ve tucked the last pair of clean socks away, the baby has discovered dirt or that smearing yogurt all over her onesie is better than any kind of fingerpainting activity, and I’m all anxious. This has got to stop. The laundry will never be done. Get over it, you anal woman.
There are a lot of things I need to get over, actually. I’m really struggling in the homeschooling trenches, and it’s only the beginning of September. I told myself we wouldn’t officially begin until after Labor Day, but I’ve been trying to ease into things. Every day I have this vision of us gathering around our table in our basement classroom to read “living books.” I imagine afternoon tea parties where there are no spills. Everything runs seamlessly in my head. I’m able to teach great things to Madeline, and my 3-year-old colors and works on her own projects while listening to her big sister’s lessons. Mary Elizabeth doesn’t try to kill herself by climbing on top of the table, eating crayons, or putting her face in the toilet bowl.
My dreams have been just that – fanciful dreams. The reality has been far messier and I haven’t been handling it well. Last night my voice was actually hoarse because I raised it too much to be heard over the constant cacophony. (My kids’ voices are deafeningly loud in this new home with all of its lovely, hardwood floors.) All of this has me tempted to drop out of homeschooling before I’ve even really started. Maybe I’m trying to do too much. Maybe my expectations are too high. I’m just hoping I find a more peaceful rhythm soon. Or else…
I’ve also felt rather isolated. The few moms I’ve met who live close by either have only young children (babies and toddlers) or they send their kids to school. And now that Madeline looks like she should be in school, I’ve always got people asking about why I homeschool. Sometimes I want to tell them, “I have not a clue why.” Or, “Because I’m an insane masochist. Why else?”
But then we go to the pediatric dentist and Madeline politely asks the hygienist if she can sit with her little sister to put her at ease since it’s Rae’s first visit to the dentist. The hygienist says of course and then comes out later and goes on and on about what a kind, empathetic big sister she is and how both of my daughters were an absolute pleasure to be around. “They’re the best patients I’ve ever had,” she says. I suspect this is generous hyperbole, but I can’t help but smile and feel a warm trickle of pride. I can even almost forget that earlier that morning my children were scaling new heights of naughtiness. I watch the two of them, holding hands, and I know that I can’t give up on homeschooling yet. (Not that I’m fool enough to believe that their pleasant behavior is the result of us homeschooling for one stinkin’ week or that if we choose to send them to school, they won’t receive compliments such as these.)
For me, the greatest benefit of homeschooling does not lie in the ability to tailor academics to my child’s individual needs or even the fact that I can share my faith and marble in virtue into everything we do in the home. What really attracts me about the idea of homeschooling (and I’m learning the idea and reality are often two very different things) is the increased opportunities to strengthen family bonds – how we can all be together more than we ever could be if they were segregated by school. If Madeline was in school, she’d be making a gaggle of friends (she’s an extrovert if there ever was one; she’s lost if she’s not interacting with someone, something). She’d be spending hours away from her little sister, who is an introvert if ever there was one (she prefers playing with just Madeline and sneaks away when too many other children are around). Rae would be lost without her. She once told me that playing with Madeline is what makes her the happiest. “What makes you the saddest?” I asked.
“Not playing with Maddy,” she said.
Of course, sometimes all of this togetherness makes me crazy. There always seem to be a lot of posts about introversion in the blogosphere. Two of my favorite blogger/writers recently wrote about their introverted natures here and here. If you met me tomorrow (or if you already know me and have been subjected to my motormouth and expressive personality), the last word you’d use to describe me is introverted. Yet, every personality test lands me right in the middle of being an introvert and extrovert. It’s rather annoying because what my temperament is is very needy because I like to have occasional interaction with others and am an attention junkie (being the center of attention, public speaking, etc. thrill me, not intimidate me); yet, I need silence and alone time to recharge. Most moms do, but I’ve needed a space and time long before my house became a noisy circus. (As a kid, I used to love to sit by a creek by my house alone and write terrible poetry.)
I also frequently dread phone calls. Sometimes, in fact, my motormouth tendencies are a front for nervousness. When I’m meeting someone new or am on the telephone, words often tumble out of my mouth because I’m dreadfully afraid of the awkward pauses, of not having anything to fill the air.
I wonder: Are there any other introvert-extrovert hybrids out there? People who like people and don’t necessarily find it draining to go to a party and talk but who also recharge best when left alone without even the possibility of being distracted and/or interrupted?
Lately, I’ve definitely felt more like an introvert. Even on our recent trip, I found myself savoring solitary walks and not wanting to be particularly social. Since returning home, I’ve seriously been questioning whether I’m going to be able to handle this homeschooling gig because I’m so incredibly tired of all the noise and just have this growing need to crawl into myself. Honestly, solitary confinement sounds more like vacation than torture.
Not that I don’t love being around my kids because I do. So much, but I’ve felt so drained this week coming back from our Maine retreat. A weeklong vacation used to recharge me for a long time. Now it just has me wishing I always had extra hands to help and pockets of time to just be alone.
I used to have more time to be still and to shower and to clean. But now I feel like I’m going constantly. I know I should try to wake up earlier, but the baby still is getting up twice in the night, and I’m so tired. I just can’t force myself out of bed before the girls wake up.
The transition from two to three children has been so tough. My nana, a mom of nine, reassures me that her toughest mothering period was when she went from two to three, too. “After that, though, you could have 10 more kids and it wouldn’t really make a difference,” she tells me. I’m not so sure about that, but it does get easier, right? (Yes, I’m asking you veteran moms out there for some reassurance. If you think it gets harder, please just lurk around here without crushing my spirit.) I know the emotional exhaustion of the teen years will be tough, but this endless physical work, my goodness, it’s draining.
Mary Elizabeth wants to nurse. Rae starts to cry because she wants me. Madeline wants to know how to spell “lemonade” for her lemonade stand poster. I put the baby down. She starts howling. I go to scoop her up, but she wriggles out of my arms and has stopped crying. I think she’s happily playing with something safe until Madeline screams that she has something in her mouth. Sure enough, she has a small bouncy ball stashed in her chipmunk cheeks. I yell at the older girls for leaving a choker within her reach. Madeline says Rae did it. Rae says it wasn’t her and then pushes Madeline. “She pushed me!” Madeline shouts.
“Stop it!” I screech.
“That’s not a nice word to say,” Rae admonishes.
Huh?
Before I know it the morning is gone, and we’ve accomplished nothing.
When my husband came home from work the other day, the girls were running around the house playing and screaming those shrill little girl screams. “It is so noisy,” my husband said.
“This is my soundtrack all day,” I said.
“You can’t live like that,” he said.
“What am I doing wrong?” I said, blinking back the tears.
“It’s not you. Everything is new. We’re all adjusting.”
“I thought things were going to get easier, but it’s been harder,” I confessed.
“Well, you had a routine,” he said.
“And a really small house to clean.”
On top of everything, I cannot keep up with the housework anymore. I’ve almost given up.
Of course, there’s another reason life has been more difficult. I’ve been extremely stubborn in my spiritual life. I’ll have this inkling that I should get down on my knees and pray, and I’ll refuse to almost out of spite. “If you love me so much, why don’t you help me out here? Why do I always have to come begging for your help?”
I’ve been angry at God. I told my mom this. “Well, if you’re angry with Him, that just means you have a relationship,” she said. (She’s given me this wise advice before because I tend to get angry at God a lot.) “Think about it: You usually get the most angry with the people you love the most.” (And people who tailgate.)
I have to stop being so stubborn, so spiteful.
Yeah, things have been a little rough. It’s actually been a rough year. I feel like I haven’t been myself since last summer when I was suffering from severe burnout and postpartum depression. It will get better though. It always does. I was sifting through a box where I stashed a bunch of my old journals, and I observed words that marked phases of happiness and then times of great angst and sorrow. My scribbled down thoughts sometimes suggested a closeness to God; other times my beliefs were weak and doubts ruled my heart.
There have been chapters in my life when I very much believed in God, but I didn’t seem floored by his love or anything. There have been times when I felt like I lost God and went nosing around Church to find Him (and He was always there even if I was too blind to see Him). As I read my old entries, it surprised me to piece together bits and pieces of my past that I must have buried because I didn’t remember some of the crosses I’d shouldered. I’d dealt with some pretty tough things; yet, everything righted itself in time. I’ll have to remind my kids of this someday when they’re faced with big disappointments or hurts. Life is sometimes really hard, and it’s always changing, but one thing won’t change and that’s my love for you. Oh, how I love you. Don’t let my raised voice and edginess fool you.
I’ll have to remind myself now that one day I’m going to miss all the finger smudges on the walls and the noise and the babies (and the big girls, too) who need me to soothe them to sleep throughout the night. Wiser, more experienced moms remind me of that – how they’re forcing themselves to count their blessings in the wake of great change and child after child growing up and leaving the nest.
Okay, I feel better now. Not only because I just emotionally dumped on you and anyone who accidentally types “Momopoly” when they’re trying to Google “Monopoly,” but also because I just looked at this photo of my youngest, who despite waking me up at night and scaling tables and chairs and shoving every imaginable and deadly thing into her mouth that she can get her hands on, gives me so much happiness and makes the exhaustion, the noise, and the very messy mealtimes oh-so-worth-it. And she’s an incredible kisser. I’m talking wet, smacking lips heading in my direction all day long.
I have to end on an upbeat note. I noticed I always did that in my journals. Woe is me, but thank God I am here to endure and overcome the woe.
Oh my goodness!!! I totally understand. I just told my husband that there is someone out there with many of the same thoughts that I've been struggling with recently. Ideals/dreams crashing into reality. Thank you so much for your post, it does help to know that I'm not alone. I know I'm doing this for a reason, and if we had made a different schooling choice I'd be struggling with different issues and have other regrets… but sometimes you just have to vent!
That is a beautiful photo. and post. I've been having homeschooling doubt lately too, and my oldest is 3. So no, I haven't even started. Imagine what it will be like when I actually do start. :) And I am SO an introvert/extrovert. That's pretty much the only way to describe it. And I've been feeling such a major pull to crawl into myself lately and just be in my home. So you pretty much just wrote everything I was thinking which is why I <3 you :)
I can definitely relate to many of those feelings. It takes awhile before the ideals of homeschooling make way for the reality and rhythm. I'm finally feeling some confidence now starting 2nd grade (and K) and transitioning from my own curriculum, to a Charlotte Mason attempt, to a structured syllabus that has given me some peace (Mother of Divine Grace).
As I prepare for Baby #4's arrival in a few weeks, I surely hope that after 3 it's all the same! That was definitely the hardest transition for me and I am still struggling to find myself again, both my personality and my prayer life.
Here's to hoping for a good year for many of us! I'm hoping that the autumn transition will bring some cool new wind into the dry and scorched summer I've felt in many ways this year.
New here…but wanted to put in my voice, for what it's worth. I'm a homeschooling mother of 4 (going on 5.) It was hardest of all for me to go from 1 to 2, easy as pie to go to 3, hard again stepping up to 4. I think it had to do with two children having each other to play with, comfort each other, etc, instead of one lost, confused toddler with a baby taking his place.
My oldest is 9, and none of them have been to school. Last week the oldest two (7 and 9) went to a cousin's house for a week and I was SO lost without them. I didn't realize how much they help, make me laugh, compliment my cooking, and (really) provide decent human conversation. The 3- and 5-year-old, not so much. So the rhythm comes slowly, I think. It's messy and disorganized at our house, and we deal with the little guys' crazy, destructive antics the best we can, but I love having them all around most of the time.
One key, I think, is not trying to teach too early. The book "Better Late than Early" is something you might want to get your hands on if you haven't. The authors advocate starting academics much later than most traditional programs, and by that point I find they're capable enough to do most of the work on their own, with a distracted mother supervising. :) Bottom line-trying to teach people stuff too early equals mom beating her head against a wall. Teach them when they're ready for it, and it's a walk in the park. (Comparatively)
Anyway, I guess I could go on and on…but just want to say two more things, old cliches both. The first year is the hardest, and take care of yourself. Doubts are the human condition. They help us grow.
Good luck, you can do it!
~Erin~
Thank you for sharing all this, Kate. I wonder if I'll write a similar post in a couple of years, when schooling starts…
God bless you and all those you love and serve.
First of all, {{{HUGS}}}.
OK, there is so much to say. You are so not alone here. It's like you are living out segments of my life! I so understand what you are going through.
It will get easier, and not because it IS easier. It will get easier because you will learn to accept the noise and the mess (kinda.) You will learn that you are absolutely right about the relationships that will develop because of homeschooling. You will learn that life is so much more complicated and difficult than you could ever imagine, but that you are so strong and capable that you can handle anything. God is looking on you with so much love right now, pouring graces upon you that you can't even identify. Years from now you will look back and be amazed at what He has done! Try to step back and DON'T WORRY about details like curriculum and books and laundry. Just love and be at peace.
You are an amazing mom.
Thank you so much for writing this post! I have been grappling with these same issues lately! I feel like you poured out my heart on your blog! It is so nice to know I'm not alone, and that what I am going through is "normal."
Wow does this post speak to me!! My three (boys) can raise the roof in the noise department (they are 6, 3, and 2) and I've just introduced the 'quiet play' phrase into our vocabulary – I have to laugh at myself for saying it in a loud voice. From one physically exhuasted mom to another – hang in there!
Amazing! to know that there is someone out there that feels the same that I do.. I'm considering a third child, and even though I haven't had any luck yet, I'm looking forward to it. My admiration for people like you that choose homeschooling, I don't think I could do that, but you seem to be doing a great job, and it is a choice that you made based on love, which is the way we should always choose.
I'm a a Hispanic mother, happily married, with 2 girls, but away from my roots and family, so I know what it is to go through all this alone.. at the end, you have those blessed smiles from the kiddos that make you feel that everything is worth it..
God bless Kate, thanks for your words, will be waiting for the next one…
Wow, everyone. Thank you so very much for your encouragement and honesty. This rant really did prove to be therapeutic (and much cheaper than clinical therapy!)!
Cathy, your words particularly spoke to me. Why am I always trying to find a way to make things easier? Do I honestly think there's a magical age or phase of life when everything is calm and my days unfold smoothly without a single hitch. I have to change from the inside out. I'm going to start by being more patient with myself. I always berate myself for sometimes being impatient with my kids, but I get the most frustrated my my inability to not sweat the small stuff or big stuff or messy stuff or the stuff I have absolutely no control over.
Things will get easier, as you said, but not because they are easier, but because with God's grace, I will be more adept at managing (and ignoring or embracing or even celebrating) the chaos. I always love hearing from more seasoned moms like you. You have so much to offer.
I always love hearing from moms who are on a similar path like me with young kids and tough decisions ahead about whether to homeschool or not (or wean or not, etc.), too. It's so helpful to know I'm not alone. This makes me feel less isolated. I wonder why more of us don't admit that we struggle and that it's tough when our expectations fall short. Why am I so afraid to reveal my vulnerability? Why can't I say that yes, motherhood is a sublime vocation and it's not a prison sentence and it gives me so much, but it's also really, really tough at times?
As Erin said, doubts are the human condition. I want to share some of my doubts in order to work through them. No matter where we are in life, no matter what type of education we discern is best for our children and our family, we're going to struggle at times. We're going to second guess ourselves and many of us will second guess our God.
And from an email I received from an old friend, many of us will also get angry with God from time to time. I just don't want this anger to fester and to build a wall.
I'm rambling again, but I've really been blessed by every single comment/email regarding this post. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Lifting you all up in prayer…
God Bless,
Kate
I could have written this post when my oldest was 5 and I had 2 younger ones. I too thought I was going to have these sweet days of nothing but good reading and insightful discussions..then came baby #4 and baby #5 and homeschooling is nothing like I thought it was going to be. Some days I love it and some days I am thinking… this is the craziest life that I would not wish on my worst enemy. But all the same we are in our 4th year of homeschooling and the joys have been plentiful….just not apperant everyday..hang in there and talk to every mom you can get your hands on. Great moms really get you through!!
Lisa
p.s. I was so excited that you came to my blog. I have read your for awhile…small world!!
Kate, I love your blog because you are so honest. I read others and then tell Andrew that I think some of the moms are lying. Not every day is perfect, with the children playing together nicely, quiet shopping trips, made from scratch meals all day, etc. I always feel guilty for the bad days and it helps to know that there isn't just something wrong with me. It's normal and most people are just too afraid to admit that it's not all perfect. :)
As a mom who sends her kids to the local Catholic School – I run into the introver/extrovet issue also. My oldest (boy 9) and youngest (girl 6) have never meet a person that they do not want to befriend. My middle (boy 8) is the opposite. To him he would rather be with his brother or sister (but not on the playground with her she is too girly at school for him). Even when he invites a friend over he always wants his siblings involved which is fab!
Our problem this year is that 4th and 3rd grade have different recess times – so Middle can't play with Oldest and he is at a loss and this is affecting his behavior elsewhere in the school. He is lost without seeing his brother at least once during the school day. This makes me wonder if I am not doing him any favors by sending them off to school. On the flip side I know that they will not always be together and this is good for him to make his OWN friends and not ones he shares with his brother. I know he would answer the best part and worst parts of the day the same way Rae did – he would say playing with his brother or sister.
I am very glad I have found your blog!
Kate,
Dom is, like you, a perfectly balanced introvert/extrovert. He doesn't get drained by being around others but definitely recharges by himself and he can have a terrible time getting himself geared up for escape from the house. Often at the last minute before we go somewhere he starts to make noises about not wanting to go. Then when we get there he has a blast and is so glad we went.
About being angry at God, stubborn and not wanting to bend your knees… Oh that so describes me of late. I've been sliding in my prayer times and when I do pray it feels perfunctory and like I'm just going through the motions and waiting till it's over so I can get on to the next thing. I haven't been to confession in far, far too long and I know once I work myself up to go I'll feel so much better. But we have a new priest and that intimidates me and I have such a hard time breaking free of my Saturday afternoon lethargy and somehow I dread facing the strangers at the church who are coming in for Mass as I'm leaving the confessional all teary-eyed. All silly reasons for denying myself God's grace; but there you go.
Recently I've been doubting my ability to homeschool too. I can't keep on top of laundry and groceries and cooking and cleaning and noisy children now. And we're about to add baby #4. Am I insane? When will I ever get a moment's peace and quiet? And yet to contemplate sending them to school is even worse.
I'm glad this rant was therapeutic. Still, I'll keep you in my prayers.
Melanie, it's also comforting #1 to know I'm not the only odd extrovert-introvert blend out there and #2 to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with my relationship with God. I've been rather impertinent lately and no amount of therapeutic rants is going to soften my stubborn, doubting heart. But prayer will – both my own prayers and others'. So thank for your prayers. Know that I'll send some your way, too. We'll get through this – homeschooling doubts and all!
Kate, I believe we're kindred spirits in much the same phase of life (except my third child is still cooking and now you've scared me to death!). You've summed up a lot of my recent struggles and it's so nice to see I'm not alone. You should know you're not alone either. Peace.
Jessica, don't be scared (or try not to be). Yes, this has been a challenging transition, but some of it has to do with very personal circumstances. And as tough as going from two to three has been for me personally, it's also been a time of abundant grace. I've grown so much over the past year and a half. And so have my kids. The days are long, but the years are so short and I'm so thankful to have these three little ones.
Blessings!