I recently had a childless friend ask me for a list of my favorite parenting books with the upfront disclosure that she was only curious about my perspective and was not pregnant. This same friend wanted to watch Ricki Lake’s The Business of Being Born with me. She says she finds the world of parenting fascinating. She also confessed that if she does decide to have children someday, she wants to do it right.
I cover my kids with kisses. My lap is open territory, but I don’t always use the most gentle voice, and sometimes my anger gets the best of me. I know what I’m supposed to do in certain situations (because, you know, I’ve read all the books) but when your kid refuses to poop after hours of fighting her and having her doctor tell you you’ve got to make her go for the sake of her future intestinal health, empathy falls by the wayside and you’re screeching, “Just poop! Everybody poops! What comes in, must come out and if it doesn’t, I’ll make it come out!” (Do what you will, but you can’t make a tenacious child poop, trust me.)
So, not surprisingly, I confessed to my information-seeking friend that I’m not privy to some well-kept secret on how to be the near-perfect parent or how to get it “right.” On the contrary, I’m still working on things (and always will be). Go ahead and voraciously read about all the parenting philosophies, birthing techniques, theories on attachment and child development you want, but the best lessons in parenthood often arise out of necessity. You get creative, for instance, when you have to convince a toddler to not wear a snow cap in 90 degree weather. And when someone tells you to not hug or kiss your child (or in my case when I was once told not to rock my baby to sleep; I break this rule all of the time), you say whatever and do what you want and what feels right.
close by at all times. I diligently completed my Bradley worksheets. I read about squashing sibling rivalry before I even had one baby in my arms. I was such an obnoxious gunner.
I thought I knew a lot. Maybe not everything, but more than that mom in the grocery store knew who snapped at her sweet child just because she asked, “Why?” (probably for the 2,342nd time that day). I owe this mom a apology. I was next to her in the checkout line, my belly swollen with my first child, when she lashed out at her child, and I remember quite clearly thinking, “How dare she crush her child’s sense of wonder? I’ll never be annoyed when my child asks me, ‘Why?'”
If you’re already a mom reading this, I’m sure you find my uppity attitude hilarious. I know I do. My oldest asks, “Why?” with about as much frequency as my teenage cousins use the word “like” in conversation. In other words, a whole lot. Generally, I try to be patient with her questions, but I am, alas, not immune to occasionally responding in a way that won’t get me a nomination for Mommy of the Year.
Since giving birth to my first nearly six years ago, I’ve seen just how hard it is to put theory into practice. I’ve also began to see that “natural mothering” – the type of parenting style I decided to adopt long before I was even pregnant – isn’t just about a set of rules to follow (for example: wear your baby or breastfeed on demand and allow for child-led weaning). I realize I keep returning to this theme of “natural mothering.” Maybe because God continues to humble me with my kids; the three of them are so very different and the “rules” that worked for one are useless with another, although I have found great blessings (and graces) in extended breastfeeding, cuddling with little ones at night, and babywearing.
What “natural” parenting is really about is not only following your mothering instincts but believing that you have them in the first place. “Natural” is more about your God-given ability to nurture and to raise children the way He intended – with grace, love, and gentleness.
And circumstances are very, very important.
Being an “attached” mom, for example, was far easier with my first even though she was my most difficult baby. I only had one baby whose needs and wants were one in the same. In her first six months of life, I also had a husband around who could help with the night shift. With my second two children, I did not have any help at night. My husband has been able to cover one (maybe two?) night shifts since my 17-month-old was born due to his crazy work schedule; this translates to me sleeping a handful of eight-hour nights in over a year – but not really since I woke up, jolted out of a fitful sleep and rushed in to check on my baby who was snuggled close to her daddy. Whatever. Sleep is overrated.
The point is, where you’re at in your mothering journey and who’s plodding along with you makes a big difference in how you parent. My parental ego is not nearly as fragile as it once was; this definitely has impacted how I parent. When Madeline was a few months old, I took her out without a hat on a mild, winter day (I lived in Augusta, Georgia at the time, and it was mild, I promise). A man proceeded to tell me my child would catch a chill and went on and on about how I should dress her more warmly. I immediately began to question my instincts and stuffed her round head into a cozy hat before heading home. She began to cry and when I pulled the hat off at home, her hair was a matted, sweaty mess. My poor sweat hog. Nowadays I probably am more likely to under dress my kids. I’m also not going to collapse into a heap of guilt if my baby cries for point two seconds because I’m busy helping her big sister go potty.
Sometimes love means setting limits, saying “no.” Sometimes it means saying “yes.” Sometimes it means holding your child close and sometimes it means letting them go even though your arms aching to hold them tight. Sometimes loving your child hurts and isn’t easy. Other times, giving love is as natural as breathing. Sometimes it means saying, “I’m sorry. I screwed up.” Kids are very good at accepting apologies.
Sometimes parenting is tough, exhausting (like lately). Sometimes it’s lovely and fun (like lately; weird how it can be both tough and wonderful at the same time). Sometimes Every single day it brings me to my knees in prayer, asking for patience, endurance, a moment’s peace, or on a really tough day, all three. Most days my children are absolutely lovable, but some days their behavior isn’t, and that’s when they deserve my love the most. (I’ve been known to write about parenting makes you less selfish, but I’m not so sure anymore. Maybe in the long haul that’s what happens. You give and give and it becomes more natural. But lately it’s felt like parenting makes me aware of just how selfish I am.)
I’ve asked my mom what she was most the afraid of, and she can’t really remember. She thinks a lot of today’s moms spend way too much time reading about motherhood and theories instead of just living it and learning by trial and error. She laughs and says she was absolutely clueless when she had my older brother at 21. Her mom had passed away when my mom was only 16, and there wasn’t the army of parenting gurus there are today. All she had was Dr. Spock’s handbook on baby and child care and she admits she didn’t even crack it open much. Yet, it is this “unread” mother who gave me some of the best advice I ever received when she told me, “All babies really need is love. You can make up the rest as you go.”
In the near (I hope) future I plan on sharing a list of some of my favorite parenting books, resources, etc., so please stay tuned…In the meantime, what’s some of the best mothering advice you’ve ever been given? Please do share!
Great reminder to trust our instincts and not feel like we have to do everything the books say :)
Holding a newborn felt totally weird to me-I'm not sure I ever got the hang of it, and I was never able really to put a onesie on over the head of a baby who couldn't sit up. I have up & switched to snap-up pajamas!!
My favorite advice was from my Grandma who said she figured if she ever met someone who could take care of her kids better than she could, she'd get a job and pay that person. But she never could find anyone like that!
I thought it was a pretty funny reminder of how irreplaceable mommies are!
Oops "gave" up not "have" up. Too early in the morning for typing!
This might be my favorite post of yours, ever!! :) So well written Katie!
Do what works for your family, rather than for someone else's. :-)
Remember that God made you and your child unique individuals, and he put you together for a reason.
Pray your family into heaven.
You don't need a lot of parenting gurus to tell you what to do; read up if you want some ideas, but use your own God-given common sense.
I am currently pregnant with our first children– and we are having twins! I have spent the last six months terrified of how I would know what to do and wondering whose way was best. What a wonderful article to wake up and read this morning. Thank you. It was just what I needed.
Kate, So beautiful. I could have said most of this (but not so well!). And oh how much I need to hear it again and again!
Motherhood is hard, so very, very hard of late. And yet it is the best "job" I've ever had– much easier than teaching or temping or filing insurance claims– because it is the most worthwhile thing I've ever done and the first thing I've ever done into which I've truly poured my entire self.
Oh it is humbling and I have found out how impatient I am, how stubborn I am, how self-centered I am. And yet also how much more capable of love I am and how much more generous I can be than I ever thought possible.
For me the hardest part so far has been having three very young children. When Ben was born, Bella was just three and Sophie was 16 months old. There were so many times that all three of them were crying hysterically and I needed to take care of their needs NOW and there was no way I could. How could I ignore my crying child? My guilt was enormous, fueled by some well meaning soul who had written eloquently about how terrible it is for babies to cry. And yet there was no choice, I could only do one thing at a time.
I think the best single word of parenting advice I've ever heard was Danielle Bean's: Do what works for your family. I have spent (and truth be told still do) so much time agonizing over all kinds of conflicting parenting advice. If one expert tells you to do it one way, you can be sure that somewhere out there is another expert who will tell you to do the exact opposite. I have had to learn the hard way that just because something works really well for family X doesn't mean it will work really well for my family. Just because Mama Z. can handle things with ease and grace by using method Q doesn't mean it won't be a disaster if I try to implement it. And yet Mama Z. is such a persuasive writer and such an impassioned spokesman for method Q that I can help feeling wretchedly guilty: Surely there must be something terribly wrong with me if I can't implement the perfect method for turning out perfect Catholic saints, right?
Which isn't to say I always make the best choices or I never make abominable mistakes. I do. Daily. But, as you say, I've learned that the best way to learn about mothering is by trial and error.
And I try very hard to trust that God will make up for all my mistakes. Because I know no matter what I'm going to continue to make plenty.
so, i'm just wondering if pranking our children makes us bad parents?? :D
What wonderful comments from everyone.
Do what works for your family and then pray that God will make up for all the times you were lacking or left your kids lacking. Oh, how I have to repeat that over and over to myself!
Having three young children – what I frequently refer to as precious, black holes of need – is so tough. Yet, it also blesses me in so many ways. I just have to keep my eyes focused on my own work ("Keep your eyes on your work!" I hear in my head sometimes) instead of trying so hard to get things right like that infamous Mama (or expert) Z.
Thanks for making me feel like I'm not so alone in my rambling thoughts!
And congrats to Erin and any other new moms out there. My life changed the moment I held my first a little more than 5 years ago – and it was definitely for the better!
Blessings!
Great topic Kate! I particularly related to the part about being discouraged from rocking your baby. When my son was five months old, an acquaintance who heard that I rocked him to sleep commented that I needed to Ferberize him. I don't believe in Ferberizing, but I particularly found it ludicrous that the thought of rocking a five-month old baby to sleep was so horrifying. I still rock my son (at age 2 years 8 months) to sleep for many of his naps, and he's a great sleeper, so clearly it hasn't been a problem!
Erin, congrats! Your comment made me think of a very funny moment with my own mother in the first week of my parenting life. My first were (are) twins ;) and I lived 2000 miles away from my mom when they were born so she came to live with us for a month (we actually begged her to stay for 6 but alas, she too had a life!). I am 1 of 7 and my mom parented in much the way i desired so naturally I figured that my mom would have the answers to any questions I may have had. On about Day 4 home from the hospital I was exhausted, my boobs were sore, I needed a shower desperately and was just confused as to how my life was so entirely different just a week earlier. I looked to my mom for an answer as to how to do any of it. She looked at me holding one baby on each breast, and said "I actually have no idea." I laugh now thinking about it because it's just so true. As soon as you think you've got it all figured out, God throws you the exact kind of curve ball you need at exactly the right time. And we have to figure it out. I think the beauty of hearing my veteran mom say "I don't know" was realizing that the answer would only come with an intense trust and an insatiable desire for Him, who will never, ever let us down.
Thank you Kate for this beautiful post– I look forward to part 2!!
I think these days all people consider themselves experts on everything until they are walking inthose shoes. I try to be mindful of the difference between being judgemental and making specific judgements.
I learn so much from watching those around me. I see a great family and I begin to absorb the things that have worked for them.
I agree with your mom..we all worry and wonder to much. It is just so hard not to.
Thanks!!
Lisa
I have to admit, I have never read a book about how to parent. I did read a book about pregnancy and one about breastfeeding, but that's it. I feel like when we are left to our own natural devices, we know best how to parent our child. And if I come across something new that I'm not sure about, I just ask my mom, a sister, or a friend.
Being a mom of 4 children born within 5 years used to be very challenging. But now that the youngest is soon to be 3, it is so much easier. I think babies are very hard (and that's why God made them so irresistibly cute!) and just remember that you will get to an easier point in life. I HATED it when people would look at my little babes and sigh and say, it only gets harder. I would think…it better not get any harder than it is right now! I know being a mom will always have it's challenges – in the beginning it's physically draining and later it's emotionally draining – but it really is the best!!
Love every word, Kate! The best advice I've heard is that every child is different, and that you should do what works best for you not what your friends did. I still read all kinds of parenting books, but I definitely go with my instincts. My mom laughs at me too when I stress about the little things that she and her generation did without thinking. :)
This is so great! As a soon-to-be first-time mother I've been reading all the attachment books and whatnot, but have to keep reminding myself that I know nothing yet :) I love the idea of natural mothering!
i appreciate this post and agree that each family should figure out what works for them and each child. one-size-fits-all answers usually don't!
i also tend toward the natural parenting camp (but get turned off by dogmatic approaches.) you are so right that things change with baby #2 and split attention. love and pray–we can't go wrong there:)
I can't help it. I love parenting books. But I also hate them.
I'm a teacher by trade, so I can't seem to shake the desire to read about the trends in baby education lol. But this same interest has often led me to suspect that there's a "right" way to do things that I just haven't discovered yet. This was a much needed post as I have been going through a phase where I needed to be reminded that I'm the expert on my own kids and God gave them to me– and me to them– for a reason. :) you are super awesome as usual!
Your wonderful post full of wisdom makes me think of a quote that has long been my mothering mantra, "Becoming a mother is a process, not an event." Amusingly, I read it in a book – Beth Wilson Saavedra's "Meditations for New Mothers".
LOVED the authenticity of this post! Thank you for making my day, for making me smile, and for helping me to realize that I'm not stumbling alone in this journey!
My advice for new to be moms…expect anything! Every single one of my "will nots" has gone by the wayside…the last one to go was the "I will NOT take my child to McDonalds"…well let me tell you…I've never LOVED the golden arches so much as when we took a roadtip out East and it rained NON STOP…when I saw that "M" glowing in the distance with the words "playland" underneath, I yelled, "PULL OVER…we're going in!"!!!
2 hours of playtime and 1 happy meal later, we were all the better for it! ha! I've gotten rid of all of my "will nots", and now I am open for anything as a parent!
I'm sending all my new mom friends here to read this!
xo maureen