So with my newfound sleep rules, my desire to celebrate the season of Advent fully, and a nagging case of writer’s block, I’m finding that this blog is becoming cumbersome. I’m sure my feelings will pass (past experience with myself annoying myself on my blog tells me this much). However, there have been several days recently when I’ve been tempted to write a good-bye post and call it a day. I’m not sure where these feelings are coming from. Maybe it’s the reality of finishing a book and that before you break out the champagne, you have to wait to hear if your “baby” is ugly or if it’s worth presenting to the world without completely re-writing the whole thing. I gave birth to those words. Some of them were very personal words since parts of the book dredged up pieces of a painful past where an intensely critical eye in my mind picked apart my body, my very self in every way.
Maybe it’s the fact that I’ve gained a lousy seven pounds since we moved this summer. Those seven pounds spell failure to me, and this discourages me greatly and makes me think I’m not qualified to write a book on reclaiming the beauty of creation. My real disappointment lies not in the fact that I’ve gained weight but that I’m still letting it bother me. I had a physical recently and all my numbers were in the healthy range. I’ve always said I’d focus on health and not the number on the scale, but I weighed myself recently when some of my pants were feeling snug and when the larger number registered, I had to fight every urge to cry. For that moment, I did not care about my health. All I wanted was to be skinny. I know many of my readers won’t understand this. They’ll perhaps skim my “About Me” page, see glimpses of my charmed, blessed life, and assume I’m a narcissist and that I should stop my wallowing because I clearly don’t have a weight problem. They’re right on some accounts. I waste so many thoughts analyzing the shape of my arms or the calories chewed in my mouth. And they’re right: I don’t have what most would define as a weight problem. I have a healthy BMI. But I do have a weight problem, a scale sickness, a preoccupation with my weight and body image that sometimes wanes and almost disappears completely but for some reason has reared its ugly head in recent months. Thankfully, I’m good at keeping this to myself and projecting a healthy image to my daughters. Oh, how I want to save them from this lifelong angst I’ve had to battle. So when my daughter said matter-of-factly that I was looking chunky, I laughed it off. She means nothing by it. Fat and chunky are not bad to her (yet). They shouldn’t be bad to any of us. Our dignity has nothing to do with our clothing size. Yet, we do have a responsibility to take care of our bodies, and maybe that’s why I’m struggling. How do I find that balance? I don’t want to let myself go and say I could keep on gaining seven pounds every year, but I don’t want to feel so miserable either.
I’m sorry for this whiny post, but I need to write about this, I’ve decided, to work through it. At first, I was reluctant to do this. I’ve read all these articles on how to take your blog to the next level and it’s not by hosting therapy sessions or going off-topic. I’ve seen my own blog reach a lull and I started thinking maybe I needed to change things, but I can’t. I can only be myself, write what I know, what I want to know, what my heart is hungry for: God, love, self-acceptance, chocolate without the guilt, courage, faith, and a happy home life for my husband and children.
When I first started blogging in 2007, my mom and mom-in-law were about the only people who read my ramblings. Slowly over time my audience grew. I started to think that maybe I should transition from a freelance writer for print media into something more than a hobby blogger. I gave it go for awhile, but it started to feel like pressure. Since I’ve cut back on online time, blogging, and even other freelance work, I’ve had more energy. I don’t feel pulled in so many directions. Of course, from time to time a small voice in my head begins to wonder why, I – with *only* three kids – can not write lengthy, thoughtful blog posts, manage a household, homeschool, Twitter throughout the day, and take amazing photos of amazing crafts like so many other moms out there. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m just not one of those moms. I consider myself fairly apt at time management and maybe I just need more sleep than others, but I’m determined to overcome the temptation to compare myself to other moms out there. I also refuse to only write what I think others want to read. At this juncture of my busy life with little ones, I need my writing to be a break not a burden. I need it to flesh out my feelings, thoughts, and to overcome my self-doubt and body image problems.
I’m praying hard about all of this. I’m trying to reshape the image in my head, but I’ve got to explore why I still feel like losing weight would make everything better, especially when everything isn’t bad in the first place.
I’m sharing this with all of you to warn you that my blog may take on a stream of consciousness kind of pattern, that some of my writing may seem self-indulgent. I’ve read that to be a successful blogger you have to look outside of yourself and provide service-like posts. I’d like to do this, too, so when I’m not navel gazing or trying to prevent navel and other body bashing, I’d like to answer some of my readers’ questions (hence, the blog title). I’ve been getting more frequent emails asking about certain aspects of my life. Even though my blog has reached a plateau and hasn’t really grown in months and has actually lost readership since I started blogging less (I shamelessly checked my blog stats for the first time in months this weekend and in a self-defeated tone told my husband, “I guess I’m just a hobby blogger.” To which he celebrated and said, “Good! That’s all you should be.”), I have found I’ve been getting more and more emails asking me for advice on myriad topics from how to break into freelancing to how to safely co-sleep. Once upon a time I responded to every single email I received, but this is becoming increasingly difficult. I say this not to discourage people from contacting me (I cherish every word you gift me with!), but I just don’t want you to take my silence for not caring. In an effort to more effectively manage my time, I’ve decided to save any questions or any emails that are asking for something from me in the hopes that I’ll be able to slowly start to respond to them in posts.
Some questions I’ve received recently include:
- How do I help a daughter struggling with an eating disorder? (Given my own recent struggles I plan to answer this one first…stay tuned.)
- How do you homeschool your older child with little ones around?
- What homeschooling curriculum do you use?
- How does co-sleeping work in your family?
- What’s it like being married to a doctor?
- How do I break into freelancing?
- Is your older brother still discerning the priesthood?
- Do you ever yell at your kids?
- How do you deal with parental anger?
- What kind of craft supplies do you recommend having on hand for your little ones?
- What’s your recipe for homemade hummus?
I plan to answer these in upcoming posts. I can make no promises as to when I’ll post about these and other related topics, but I like the idea of having a plan. This will hopefully help with my writer’s block as well and keep me from only writing about my body image struggles.
If you have a question for me about my life, my faith, my parenting style, cooking, postpartum depression, eating disorders, recipes, home management, etc., feel free to leave a comment or email me at kmwicker[@]gmail[dot]com, and I will do my best to provide a response and/or feedback eventually.
Finally, I really have been re-thinking the future of this blog. Although it does need to be a hobby for me and not a stress-inducing chore, I’m so grateful I’m no longer writing into a black hole and really do want to cover some topics and themes my readers are interested in. Thank you for your patience with me and your faithfulness. I’m so grateful for your kind words and encouragement, and I love to hear from readers. I especially love to hear that something I wrote or shared resonated with you. I’ve always said I want this blog to be a ministry of sorts; I hope this may continue.
To that end, even though I can’t promise to always write what I think others want to read (especially since I often think something will touch people when it doesn’t or I just write something on a whim and receive a surprising response), I do want to know what types of blogs and posts you like. What about blog design? I’m thinking my blog is too cluttered right now and want to give it a face lift down the road and clean it up so that my writing is emphasized because as much as I aspire to be, I’m just not a brilliant photographer. Words are my primary medium. That said, do you enjoy occasionally seeing charming photographs of my charming cherubs? Do you like the brutal honesty of some of my more poignant posts, or would you rather I shared more sunshine than shadows? Do you prefer essay-like posts or devotionals or funny anecdotes or a combo of both? Do my faith-centric posts inspire, or not?
I value your feedback but must put this caveat out there: I’m realizing through yet another round of counseling related to my eating disorder, that anxiety over what people think, how people perceive me, and come crippling perfectionism (expecting myself to be a perfect mom and my kids to be perfect children) is at the root of me not feeling good enough and subsequently not feeling thin enough. Therefore, I’m working on being a people pleaser only in so much that it gives glory to God and is part of His plan for me rather than a way to build myself up or to silence the voice in my head that’s constantly badgering me to be better (thinner). I thought of shutting myself out by closing up this blog shop, but I believe, instead, I need to write from the heart and detach myself from the need for affirmation or to be one of those uber bloggers I admire and yes, sometimes envy, too. (Yes, this has been a recurring theme over the past year or so.)
At any rate, I’m not sure what you’ll get out of all of this. I realize I’m ping-ponging ideas back and forth – some of which seem to contradict each other. I’m not sure where I’m headed, but I do know this: I’ll keep blogging as time allows. I will value each and every reader who reaches out to me, but I cannot be everything to everyone. I love my family so much. My finite energy supply can only go so far. I owe my husband and my sweet girls my time first. Then I owe it to myself to take care of myself by eating well, sleeping more, exercising, and writing what is healing and good and fruitful to me with the hope that it may minister to others as well.
Peace & Joy,
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The Little House That Grew says
Hey Kate,
I am with you!! I too have had to curtail my blog time. Life goes on, fills up and is always changing. Sometimes blogging fits in with that and sometimes it doesn't. I prefer bloggers write like are we talking over a cup of Starbucks White Chocolate Mocha, nonfat, no whip! I don't want to be written to. I want to be in someone else's thoughts for awhile. That is where I have gained the most from being a blog reader. I could comment a lot more but I think I just realized I should have just e-mailed you instead.
One last thing, I want to know the answer to EACH of those questions!
Lisa
Muttering Mother says
You're right about your blog being ministry. Whatever your topic, it can soothe, steel or challenge my spirit and soul. Take the blogging where God is asking you to and don't be afraid. To the rest of us, you seem like you can move mountains, so we are with you on your journey, ready to help with those issues of self-perception. Thank you.
Kris says
You know how I feel – about your blog and YOU!! I love whatever you want to write – even if it's just updates about you and the girls and the dog! Love you, my sweet friend!!
*Jess* says
I love you, Katie :) And you ARE that mom (the one that can juggle many balls at once and do it well) but sometimes you fail to see it within yourself.
I guess my advice to you is to ask yourself, "Who am I blogging for?" If its for your Catholic audience or to gain more readers or be 'successful', that might not be enough motivation. Try blogging just for YOU! Of course you'll be mindful of your audience, you are that type of person! But this blog is not for them.
Bonnie says
Thank you for your honesty, and for giving us more of YOU. YOUR the reason I read your blog – because I'm drawn to you as a woman. I guess I'd like to be your friend, so to speak, and it's fun to hear about your family and life. I also appreciate how freely you talk about body issues. I can relate to what you're saying, and it's a good reminder to me that skinny women can *hate* themselves too. (So says the chubby mom.)
I will pray for you, Kate.
Anonymous says
Just keep doing what you're doing. Your words are an inspiration to me as a fellow mom. Thank you so much for your posts!
BettyDuffy says
I get this. Very Much.
Maggie says
Oh please don't take your blog away!
I've read lots of places where you shouldn't make your blog a therapy session, but sometimes those are the must uplifting and inspiring posts.
My blog topics are all over the place. Just the other day I wrote about sewing my fingers together. Today I wrote about my deep dark spiritual dry spell.
I enjoy the variety of your posts. Poop, toots, God and vocation- I love 'em all!
Glass Half Full says
I would be interested to know why you decided to homeschool. I am looking into it and want to know other moms' reasons why they chose this route. I love your blog – hang in there!
Kate Wicker @ Momopoly says
Thanks to everyone for their encouragement. Sometimes I just feel like such a kook, but I'm thankful there are people who can relate and/or at least appreciate my kookiness.
Glass Half Full, I've added your question to my "to respond" file!
Peace and joy this Advent season and always…
Jennifer G. says
Brutal honesty, it's so much more relate-able. Of course, cute anecdote stories and pics are welcome too!
You are very inspiring in a good- mother, husband-honoring, God-loving way.
I don't comment much, but I read often. Please keep it coming!
God bless you!
Anne says
I am convinced we are quite the same person. I wish I lived next door to you.
You know I love this blog. I love your courage and your you-ness. And I know exactly what you mean b/c I was a hobby blogger from the start and had to scale it back even further by closing comments for the time being…. :) I'm battling many of the same things…
Will be praying for you and still enjoying whatever you decide to do!
Elizabeth M says
Kate,
I read your blog — and several others — because I wish I had a close friend who was Catholic (or I should say practicing Catholic). I read your blog because of who you are — just as I would love to have conversations with friends over a cup of tea or while watching kids play.
I love that your blog is a bit of different ideas — because that's what our lives are like. Sometimes we can be thoughtful and spiritual, other times we're immersed in down-and-dirty of parenting and housekeeping. Other times we get to use our talents beyond our homes.
I wish there was some better way to explain to you that when you write any of these things you are sharing yourself with all of your readers. That IS a ministry, and a much needed one.
Don't worry about blog stats — or at least don't try to. Clearly there are many of us who DO want to read what you write, so try not to worry about that fact that your blog is not for everyone. If you were writing for popularity, you wouldn't be yourself and you would lose other people.
The numbers don't matter — or at least I'd like to suggest that they don't.
What matters is that there are a lot of people you do reach and inspire and comfort and inform….
My kids are older than yours and I have very different weight issues. But you still give me things to think about, to smile about, to pray about.
For that, I thank you!
Sheila says
I can only second everyone else's comments: I like your blog the way it is, both when it's confessional and random and when it's telling something specific — advice and so forth. The best blog is one that comes from the heart, that's about whatever you want to write about. And since it's not for someone else's publication, you really can write what you want. There are always people who want to read it!
My favorite posts are the ones where you find grace in the hectic, crazy days or the things that bother you. Like this one!
My only advice for worrying about weight is to get rid of the scale and just worry about eating healthfully and exercising. I have done this, and I have no idea what I weigh. I think I must have lost my baby weight, but I'm not positive. But since I feel pretty good, I'll go with that — I don't need the numbers to tell me I'm doing well!
Maman A Droit says
I think I like the reflective posts best-whether they're happy or sad. They let me know I'm not alone in how i'm feeling as I encounter the joys & challenges of parenting!
I also enjoy the Catholic stuff, since I'm new to the faith & don't know many other Catholic moms!