Kate Wicker

Storyteller & Speaker

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12 Week Portrait

Dear Baby,

I’ve never had so many sneak peaks into my womb as I have with this pregnancy. Today I caught my third glimpse of you. Boy, were you moving around a lot. You’re practicing your karate kicks. My midwife joked and said we either have a football punter or ballerina on our hands. The ultrasound tech asked if I wanted to know your gender. I guess she got a good look already, but I told her no, I didn’t. We’ll wait this time.

The reason I keep having all these ultrasounds is because early bleeding in this pregnancy led them to believe I had a placental tear. They wanted to check to make sure it had not grown any bigger. But today the nurse/ultrasound tech believed it wasn’t a placental tear at all and never had been. Instead, she suspects I have a blighted ovum – an empty gestational sac where a baby never developed – although she’s not 100 percent certain. You can’t see it in this particular image, but a clear, blob-like space is very clear in some of the others. I’m not sure if this means I have another soul to pray for, a little child waiting in heaven or not, but I’m trying to not think about what might have been (twins!) and what is: You. Perfect you.  

I love you, Baby, and I pray for the miracle that is you every single day.

Stay strong. Stay well. My arms are eager to hold you.

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· February 22, 2011 · Tagged With: Letters, Pregnancy · Filed Under: Child 4

Comments

  1. Katy says

    February 22, 2011 at 3:32 am

    Kate, I haven't been doing a very good job on keeping up with blogs lately, so I don't know if I've missed your announcement or this is it. :) Congratulations!! Will be praying for you, your family, and this sweet baby :)

  2. Katrina says

    February 22, 2011 at 3:56 am

    I just recently stumbled on you via Elizabeth Foss. Congratulations on your new little one. Many prayers for a healthy pregnancy! I understand how you feel about the possibility of losing a twin. I had a similar experience with my oldest. My prayers are with you!
    Katrina, mom of 4 girls.

  3. *Jess* says

    February 22, 2011 at 4:13 am

    Congratulations Katie!! :)

  4. Maggie says

    February 22, 2011 at 4:47 am

    I'm keepin' those prayers a'comin'!!!

  5. Melanie B says

    February 22, 2011 at 5:31 am

    Praying for you, beautiful Mama, and for that precious little one. So full of joy for you.

  6. Jen says

    February 22, 2011 at 1:09 pm

    CONGRATULATIONS!!! I don't often comment but I read your blog faithfully & am so happy for you and your family!

  7. ViolinMama says

    February 22, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    Oh Gorgeous Kate!!! WOW! And wo Kate…you and I have the same thing to pray for – Valiant was also a probable twin, and in many of her pictures from our ultrasound, you can see the same thing you see – gestational sac that never grew beyond the early stages. They told me it was a probable fraternal twin that just never developed, and I bled some as well. I always feel a connection to that sac – not sadness, but a closeness to an additional blessing that existed in secret that I'll meet one day. Just a little secret to me from God :)

    Your baby is gorgeous! I LOVE ultrasounds, and that incredible baby!!! God is SOOO Good. What a blessing. Soak it in, and be well. Love you!

  8. My Chocolate Heart says

    February 22, 2011 at 3:11 pm

    I didn't know you were pregnant! How wonderful! Congrats, Kate. Very happy for your family. Take good care of yourself, Momma. God bless you!

  9. Calah says

    February 22, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    I'm so happy for you, Kate! And praying for you and your newest little one as well. God bless you.

  10. Kris says

    February 22, 2011 at 6:47 pm

    Hello little baby!! We're praying for you too!!

  11. JoAnna says

    February 22, 2011 at 8:35 pm

    Congratulations! Best wishes and prayers for a healthy, happy pregnancy. St. Gerard and St. Gianna, pray for us.

  12. Thrifty and Chic Mom says

    February 23, 2011 at 12:24 am

    What a beautiful picture thanks for sharing your gorgeous baby!

  13. Anonymous says

    February 23, 2011 at 3:02 am

    I don't know much about blighted ovums myself but when a sweet friend found out she was pregnant recently, they found 6 sacs! She delivered twins about a month ago. I pray you have a healthy pregnancy and an easy delivery.

  14. House of Brungardt says

    February 23, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Dear Kate,

    What a beautiful picture! I don't wonder that your heart is filled with joy. I'll pray for a happy and healthy pregnancy, for you and baby!

    Janet

Hi, I’m Kate

I’m a wife, mom of five kids, writer, speaker, storyteller, bibliophile, runner, eating disorder survivor, and perfectionist in recovery. I'm the author of Getting Past Perfect: Finding Joy & Grace in the Messiness of Motherhood  and Weightless: Making Peace With Your Body.

I’ve tried a lot of things in my life – anorexia, bulimia, law school, teaching aerobics, extended breastfeeding, vegetarianism, trying to be perfect and failing miserably at it – and through it all I’ve been writing. And learning to embrace the messiness of life instead of covering it up, making excuses for it, or being ashamed of my brokenness or my home’s sticky counters.

Nowadays I’m striving every single, imperfect day to strike a balance between keeping it real and keeping it joyful.

 

“She could never be a saint, but she thought she could be a martyr if they killed her quick.”

―Flannery O'Connor

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