Rachel, 4, was recently playing quietly alone upstairs in the room she shares with her big sister. My husband and I were downstairs with Mary Elizabeth, 2. Madeline was over at a friend’s house.
After I’d read a few books to Mary Elizabeth, she asked if she could go see Rae.
“Of course,” I said.
“Fight?” she asked.
“I hope not,” I said.
The two of them have been having difficulties getting along lately and to children their age, “conflict resolution” often amounts to yanking toys away, screeching, and crying.
I was hoping for a more peaceful scenario at this given moment.
I heard Mary Elizabeth climb the staircase. Clop, clop, clop. Then immediately came her crying that quickly escalated to her “I’m-really-hurt-help-me!” howling.
My husband and I both ran up to the room. “Rachel pushed me!” Mary Elizabeth cried. My husband and I were quick to admonish Rae for not being nicer to her sister who was now coiled around my legs like a thick vine of kudzu.
It hasn’t only been Mary E. that Rae’s had difficulty playing with lately; we’ve been having issues with her lashing out at each of her sisters when they try to play along with her.
Dave and I have both talked about how it boggles our mind that she’s so quick to push her sisters away, especially since Madeline has always been really good about letting her little sisters enter her inner circle of play. Now no one’s perfect, and Madeline can be a bit of a control freak (I have no idea where she gets that from). I joke with people that she has established an Imaginary Play Congress where she makes all the laws and is sure to let you know if you’re not following them. But she’s always shared well and hasn’t ever been aggressive toward her sisters. (She plays rough sometimes, though, simply because she’s an active, physical child, but if someone gets hurt, it’s never because she purposefully hit or push. It’s probably because she leapt at them out of joy and inadvertently squashed them or was pretending she was a fierce lion stalking an injured wildebeest; that’s how Mary Elizabeth broke her leg, in fact. She tripped while under pursuit and twisted her little leg funny.)
I always saw Madeline’s welcoming nature to her sisters as a virtue, and she certainly does deserve kudos for being nurturing toward the little ones. However, my husband and I both experienced a parental epiphany with Rachel on this day.
We both told her, gently but firmly, that she needed to learn to play better with her younger sister. Our lecture wasn’t long, but its message was clear: You’re expected to always welcome your sisters when they want to play with you.
Rae burst into tears. “I have to see everybody’s faces all the time,” she sobbed. “I never get to just play alone.”
I have to see everybody’s faces all the time. I never get to just play alone. So says my sensitive 4-year-old.
With these well-spoken words from the mouth of sweet Rae, a maternal light bulb switched on, illuminating why one child is happy to accommodate sister playmates and why the other sometimes ends up refusing to share or shoving people away.
Togetherness is a gift to Madeline. It satisfies her hunger for interaction and activity. To Rae, it sometimes feels like a burden.
As a mom, I usually saw Madeline’s behavior to invite others to play with her as good and even highly virtuous while Rae’s reluctance to share – not just toys but her space and energy – with her sisters as a defect. She needed to be more generous and kind toward her sisters.
Yet, I was missing the big picture.
I won’t ever condone Rae acting out physically or being mean to her sisters (people aren’t for hurting!), but her simple words told me, that as an introvert, she needs space and alone time like others need air to breathe.
Madeline, on the other hand, is as extroverted as a person can be. She thrives when she’s with others. She loves to play with her sisters and friends and to keep busy. Even if a younger sister might not know how to play by her rules, she would never refuse someone who wants to be near to her. The more, the merrier.
Just as I recognize Madeline’s need to be active and spend plenty of time with others but also have had to teach her the value of unwinding and having quiet time to draw and dream and dawdle, it’s my responsibility to gently guide Rachel in having positive play interactions and to use words – instead of snatching a toy out of her younger sister’s arms, screaming at her, or pushing her away – to express herself in social situations.
But it’s also my responsibility to give her the alone time she needs. She’s not trying to be mean or anti-social when she quietly slips away and begins chattering to herself and her menagerie of animal figures. She’s refreshing her soul. She’s taking a breather so that she can cope with all those “faces she has to see all the time” and all the chaos and noise living in a household with several children brings.
When it comes to caring for my cubs, I want to do my best to raise caring, kind children. Yet, it’s so easy to get caught up in examining the behavior I don’t like instead of paying closer attention to the unique bend of the child and the unmet, subterranean needs that might rise up in unexpected, negative, or confusing ways.
Madeline scales furniture or literally climbs walls like an agile primate when she’s antsy. What she needs is more activity, more physical play. Rae pushes a little sister away during playtime. It’s not because she hates her sister or is destined to grow up to be a stingy, uncaring soul, but because she desperately needs alone time and a corner of calmness every single day.
To each her own.
This is one of the most challenging parts of being a parent: To crack the cipher of each child’s individual personality, what she needs, how she reacts when her needs are unmet, and then to adapt and respond accordingly.
And just when I’ve got the children in my midst figured out, another tenderly budding new life is entrusted to me*, and I’m once again faced with the humbling, incredible task of nurturing her to grow according to her natural bent so that she will be able to blossom, revealing her own unique beauty.
*Soon, very soon, says the midwife, the baby will be in my arms, but I have been hearing “any day now” for almost two months now!
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Quick Footnote:
I’ve discovered a new blog I absolutely love called Aha! Parenting. A few weeks ago there was a post (“The Secret of Parenting”) that spoke to the situation I described above. Dr. Laura Markham, the blog’s author, writes about how connection is 90 percent of parenting and shares tips on how to be connected to your child (and, no, she’s not talking about only embracing parenting practices like child-led weaning or co-sleeping). She writes about the importance of respecting our children. That’s what I was missing when I immediately punished Rae for not being kind to her sister. I was only seeing her misbehavior instead of looking deeper into why she was misbehaving in the first place. I wasn’t respecting her own needs or her unique temperament. I was attempting to change and control her instead of working to treat the undesirable “symptoms” she was exhibiting.
Dr. Markham writes,
“[Respect] means seeing our child as a full human being from his or her first moment on earth, rather than a lesser being to be fixed, changed, or controlled. Most ‘attitude’ in children is a symptom of their feeling disrespected and disconnected.”
The next time Rae is mean to one of her sisters, I’ll still remind her that we don’t hurt people when we’re angry, frustrated, or feeling suffocated, but then I’ll also give her some space and respect her need to have some time to play alone.
I also highly recommend Dr. Markham’s 10 Steps to Unconditional Love series.
Thank you for this post! I must remember this as I watch my own children play and interact. It’s a good lense to try on when I may find myself problem solving in the future.
Such an important post! It’s so lovely how you saw such insight into your daughter’s needs. I hope to remember this lesson.
I can relate, because I too was one of those introvert kids who thrived on time alone. Now I’m an introvert parent who often struggles to find my quiet center with two little boys who follow me around like groupies! :) It will be interesting to see if either of my kids takes after me in this area. Thanks for sharing your epiphany.
I have these epiphanies often, as my five children are always growing and constantly changing. Every day is a new day!
Such a good reminder that some aspects of temperament are neither good- or bad-intentioned, but amoral altogether (even though how they play out can become an ethical issue). I’ve been reading “Raising Your Spirited Child” and have had several similar “aha” moments as they relate to other personality tendencies (not just introvert vs. extrovert). Isn’t it amazing how our little ones teach us more about human nature than we may have ever picked up in a classroom!
That’s wonderful that you were open to the epiphany that sometimes negative or undesirable behavior is more indicative of personality needs.
I’ve worked with a number of children over the years, and I’ve found they each are a bit different in their needs, likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses, so it is definitely most important to listen to them, observe, and learn from them what works best.
I have found that there are many adults who don’t really listen very closely to their children. When that’s the case, it’s so often easy to see that the children feel frustrated and act out for attention.
Though some rules will apply to everyone (it’s not okay to run with scissors, bite someone, hit or kick), we can be flexible on some other things and adjust what happens to meet their needs.
Oh my sympathies are with poor Rae. So often I want to scream the same thing: “I never get any time alone!” There are always all these little people hanging on me, wanting me to hold them and talk to them and I just want some peace and quiet!
On the parenting front, I also very much empathize with the struggle of “cracking the cipher”. It’s frustrating that so often that elusive key can take so long to show up. Meanwhile you keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over again, completely oblivious to what will subsequently be blindingly obvious. I wish so much of parenting didn’t have to be stumbling blindly about in the dark looking for a light switch.
My biggest parenting “aha” was the day I realized that our youngest daughter’s constant mess was always a *creative* mess. When I learned to find and admire the mobile or the picture or whatever first, she was much more amenable to cleaning up the debris generated by making it.
Great post, Kate! It still amazes me that God created so many variations in the human race. What a challenge it is to figure out all the mysteries of each child’s temperament/personality/needs! Thank God for the grace of these “Aha” moments!
This rings a bell! Except, with our family it was our eldest who desires play, time and space for/with herself – and our second who cannot entertain herself alone. Because it played out this way, our eldest has always been permitted ‘Sophie time’ alone when she feels she needs it (or we see she needs it). Just like I currently ensure I take myself off to recharge my batteries from being around the kids all day. We would never tell her she has to play with siblings if she did not want to (although we have gently encouraged her interaction with other children on playdates) yet of her own accord she invites her sisters to play, interacts with family activities and participates in family mealtimes happily and eagerly. It is just that she is often happiest sat reading a book, or drawing – she craves that time, just herself and her head! This summer we put together a board where we pin up activities the girls want to do – this includes park visits, playdates, baking and library, but also makes time for more solitary tasks like piano practice, crafting and writing. Perhaps something like this would help Rae, although I suspect you recognising her need is the biggest help :-)
Natasha, I love the idea of an activity wish list board. I’ve actually been meaning to do something like that. Thanks for the tip and the encouragement!
Wow, my oldest son said almost word for word the exact same thing lately. With a new baby coming soon, and a very tiny, crowded house, having a clingy and introverted 6-year-old with the classic oldest child control issues is suddenly clashing violently with little brother’s active, athletic ways and his sudden need to be included in big brother’s activities. It’s tough with them not having enough play space for one as it is. And another baby is just going to make things more crowded. :( I’m dreading the winter. And grateful they are both old enough for school.
This post is right on with what I believe about parenting: respecting and understanding our children is key to parenting them. Yes, we are the boss, the coach, the trainer, but to best lead them we must understand their perspective and feelings (even if at times we do not agree). I sometimes wonder if we are right to ALWAYS require kids to play with ALL the other kids and ALWAYS share their toys. I do believe sharing and kindness to others is something my daughter needs to learn but isn’t she entitled to choose (to some extent) how she interacts with friends, just as I get to choose with my friends. Again, this is within limits, given that she is a kid who needs a lot of guidance but her feelings do need to be respected.
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