Okay, so I know I’m supposed to be staying away from here, but I actually have some silence right now and I have some thoughts loudly ticking in my head that just have to get out. Faith & Family recently reported it was reprinting an old article of mine that included tips on attending Mass with young children. You can read it here. I can’t even recall exactly when I wrote the original article. I do know I wrote it after I wrote an article for Crisis Magazine about why I believed young children belong at Mass – something I still passionately support and believe in. That said, upon perusing the tips over at Faith & Family I started to slowly nibble on some humble pie. Although I still believe in the tips the people I interviewed offered and my own tips I shared, I do know that putting them into practice is not always easy. Attending Mass as a family has become increasingly difficult as we’ve added more little ones to our brood. I don’t have things all figured out; I never will.
Likewise, the point of the article was to encourage and perhaps help, not condemn or pile on guilt. Some of the comments saddened me because it seemed that moms were feeling guilty or frustrated after reading that article. I hate it when I inadvertently discourage moms.
But here’s the thing: I have four kids now. Even when I had only one child, going to Mass wasn’t easy, and I didn’t always follow the tips I shared in the article. They’re not rules. They’re suggestions. What works for one family, one child, etc. may not work for another. I get that.
Consider my own situation now. Do we always attend Mass as a family? No. Do all my children behave like perfect angels when we do? Heck no. Do I find myself pining for a cry room at my smallish church where everyone can hear the smallest utterance from my children? Yes. Does the fact that I have three girls mean that Mass and life in general is easy and peaceful? No. My 2-year-old is in to everything. She’s feisty. She’s also still nursing and when we go to Mass and she sees me cuddling with her little brother, what do you think she wants? Mama’s milk. How do you think she asks for it? Very loudly. When I gently tell her, “Not now,” and try to hug her instead, how do you think she responds? By crying or screaming or tearing at my clothes with depserate, little paws. If I try to give her more attention, then my 4-year-old gets jealous and starts acting out. It all snowballs. The oldest, meanwhile, can’t really pay much attention because she’s trying to help out with her little siblings. My husband is wondering why I want us all there together so desperately.
I’ll tell you why, and it doesn’t just have to do with the reasons I enumerated in my Crisis Magazine article. It’s more selfish. I need the graces. I’m not a particularly patient person. Oh, how I wish I just was naturally patient and loving and gentle all the time. But I’m not. Yet, having my kids in the place of Love personified where I will receive Him and be healed and restored is very, very fruitful for me because it is so very hard some days.
After the Faith & Family article, Angela wrote:
“The most important thing I wanted to establish in my children’s hearts was that God=LOVE. They needed to feel loved at Mass—not scolded, not miserable. It was worth sitting in the hall for 15 years and missing a lot of what was going on at Mass in order to have my kids feel happy about being there.
My advice is: do whatever it takes to make them feel loved at Mass, and therefore loved by God.”
That’s beautiful, wise advice.
Yet aside from my own grace acquisition opportunity, there’s another reason I *try* to bring along everyone to Mass. Remember every family is different. My husband is not Catholic. I’d love to tag team, but that wouldn’t work. If I don’t rally up the troops to march to Mass as a unit, he doesn’t go, and I believe he, too, receives graces being there. Nearly every Sunday I’m tempted to leave my 2-year-old behind with him, and lately she has been staying home more, I sadly admit. It would be so much easier, but then my husband wouldn’t make it to church with me. I so long for us all to one day feast at the Lord’s table, so I keep trying to get us all there.
Also, when I wrote the tips, my husband was working a lot of weekends. I had no choice of whether or not to bring the kids. Either we all went, or I was denied the Eucharist.
Finally, I don’t want to pick fights, but I do sometimes get weary of others suggesting that it’s easier for me because I have three girls. In fact, I get tired of moms saying any other mom has it easier whether she has one child or ten. Our own temperaments and our children’s temperaments really play a big role in how things unfold at Mass and everywhere. I’ll tell you I have one child who reminds me more of a boy than a girl. She’s having a dinosaur party (it was pirates last year). She’s broken three bones and also was behind her sister getting stitches after she inadvertently smacked her in the head with a Wii remote. It could be argued M.E. broke her leg because of this child pursuing her as well (the pursuer confessed she was pretending she was a lion chasing her prey – AKA her little sister). Just recently I caught this child putting crayons in the hollow stick of a stick horse she’s supposed to ride (like a dainty princess – ha!), saying she was loading her gun. Yesterday she was using the same stick horse as a sword. She’s active and fidgety, always climbing our walls. She was not easy to take to Mass when she was little, although she’s wonderful now and seems to have a great love for the church. “I want to be a nun,” she told me yesterday. (Don’t be too impressed: She also said she wanted to be an artist and an archeologist.) I don’t take credit for any of this, but I also don’t think that it’s because I have girls that we can survive (notice I didn’t say thrive!) Mass. I’m not even saying that people were suggesting that. I’m probably being too sensitive and need some more humble pie. I just hate all the boy-girl stereotypes (even though I’m using them saying my daughter reminds me of a boy sometimes). It’s just there have been several people who have told me that I’ll really see how tough it is now that I do have a boy in our family. But, my dear friends, mothering has not been easy street for me with these lovely, little girls. I have one child right now who is driving me to the edge. I’m not handling it well, and I’m at a loss of what to do. And she’s a sweet girl.
I’m not sure what the point of all this is. This blog is my space, so I have license to ramble, pontificate, and woefully waste time. I guess I just want others to know that all that I write really is meant to share what has worked for me or perhaps to just allow me to work through my own struggles. If it makes you feel like less instead of more, then please forgive me and don’t read my words. I also just want to remind all moms that mothering gets easier and harder as they grow. God keeps giving me lessons in humility by entrusting me with these wildly different children who are constantly growing and evolving. In return, I invite others to share a slice of humble pie with me and to not be so quick to assume things about my family or my situation. Let’s pray for each other!
Kate,
I have 10 children, 5 boys and 5 girls. My youngest 4 girls can be the biggest handful!
As a father in a now empty nest, my comment is simply to remember God sees you, knows you, loves you that way you are. There is peace in there somewhere but I, and He much more that I, get the challenges and dilemmas you describe. His love will always be there. Life IS hard at times. There is no harder than someone or easier than another. It just is. And in the moments of distress or guilt or chaos, try and remember you are loved more deeply than we can know in this life and that He who is your Father is always beside you.
Just want to encourage you in this great, rambling post, and to encourage you in whatever combination of Mass-going works for your family. Everyone is so different, kids, parents, temperaments. Amen.
We’ve had a lot of different variations of Mass-going at our house. I think long ago I had guilt about “not going all together” but leaving behind the comparisons with other families in many areas has been key to my peace of mind. Also, now that our kids are older it is mostly very nice to be with them at Mass!
Kate, your original article was fine. There will always people who think because you suggest ABC, you are automatically condemning XYZ…or that if your experience is one thing, you are in denial that others may have a different experience (the crying room, as an example: I mean,really, if YOUR crying room isn’t a zoo, great!, but many are, and THOSE are the ones to be avoided). Personally, I disagreed with the suggestion to sit up front – since I went to Mass alone, very often, I didn’t want to drag 3 or 4 or 5 or 6 kids all the way from the front to the back when the toddler started screaming…and sitting up front NEVER captured the attention of ANY of my children. But sitting up front works for many people, so it’s still a good thing to try. You don’t need to defend your writing, nor do you need to eat humble pie. Way back, I wrote an article on parenting during a deployment (avoiding burnout), and I went back later (months later) and re-read it for the pep talk I needed as I was going through a tough time. No, I had not been following my own advice. Advice is best given by those not currently in the trenches, because we can see the big picture, in and out of the trenches. If we find ourselves back in the trenches, we don’t change our advice, we listen to ourselves – the calmer, wiser, not-suffering-selves.
Michelle Reitemeyer recently posted…On Christmas Shopping
We have always been told that boys are easier! And in our family that is true.
As a general rule (Madeleine excluded…!) I think girls have an easier time sitting still for a bit (althought ALL small children suffer from that problem!). Boys seem to be naturally fidgety for a longer period of time. Not sure if this gives you hope or makes you sigh in defeat, but with boys ages 15, 13, 8 and almost 7, I’m STILL disciplining at church (pay attention, sit up straight, leave your brother alone, etc.) I’m beginning to wonder if Mass will EVER be a completely peaceful experience. and then last week, someone right behind me had a small toddler climbing and talking, etc. And I just laughed because it seems that the music of my life at Mass is always going to be small children! Your grace comes from just bringing them and being there as a family. God knows the intentions of your heart, even if you think you get nothing from Mass at that moment. Hang in there!
Kate, I saw your article at F&F, and I just wanted to say: don’t be so hard on yourself! I didn’t agree with every single suggestion, but it was clear to me that they were suggestions, not criticisms of people who do things differently. There is a difference. And, I have a boy who I suspect is much easier than a couple of your girls. So I totally agree about the stereotypes! They aren’t always accurate.
My little 5 year old girl is the one that tests my patience. She is loud, VERY energetic, and with that, downright temperamental, emotional, and dramatic (I don’t think boys have this as much). So even though I love her to pieces, my goodness, I just laugh when someone tells me boys are harder. I think everyone thinks what they have is the hardest, but both sexes and all temperaments come with joys and challenges of their own.
Michelle, you make such a great point that we have the tendency to think what we have is harder. Your insight may have inspired a future post for another day. Thanks for sharing!
Kate Wicker recently posted…A Slice of Humble Pie
Our church consists mostly of older people that frown on noisy youngsters. It’s common to see a parent sitting in the Narthex trying to keep a little one under control – we don’t have a “crying” room.
A group of us have put together a children’s liturgy class during every Sunday Mass. The little ones LOVE it & the parents are very appreciative. I wish we would have started this a long time ago.
However, I do want to add that although a fussy or impatient child during Mass will not bother me but a child that is having a screaming fit should be brought out until he/she’s calmed down. I know some parents are used to this and can “take” it, but out respect for others, I think the cordial thing to do is take the child out & return when he/she has settled.
On another note, Kate, I love “Weightless”… I have bought 4 other copies that I’ve sent to our daughters. Thank you!
I’m so glad you liked “Weightless.” Thank you for the encouragement! I also completely agree with you that parents need to make an exit if their children are being extremely disruptive. I only wish that people would smile at that weary mom taking her noisy child out instead of scowl at her (and many people do do just that, thank goodness!).
I used to try to go to daily Mass more often before we moved, and there was one older man who shot nasty looks my way if one of my children so much as uttered a peep. I had to pray, “Harden not my heart” a lot. I was tempted to either shoot him a nasty look back or be too hard on my children because of my vanity and not wanting anyone’s contempt – whether it was deserved or not. I learned a lot from that experience.
Kate Wicker recently posted…A Slice of Humble Pie
Wow! So much great insight. Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts and for encouraging a mom in the throes of postpartum over-sensitivity!
Kate Wicker recently posted…A Slice of Humble Pie
Oh, Kate!
I agree with Michelle- there are always going to be people who feel like because you’ve mentioned “Try A” that you are condemning “Option B” and anyone who tries Option B. Sometimes people read into or judge what they secretly fear in themselves.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Just because you only have a certain number of children or all girls or whatever doesn’t mean that parenting is somehow easier. You only know what you have, and parenting is tough period. Taking children to church can be a challenge, no matter how many and their ages. I know a mom who struggles with taking her 12 year old son to Church because he pretends to be asleep- this all stems from a power struggle about Confirmation…
My personal pet peeve is when someone is struggling with a problem, and people say “Well, at least you aren’t homeless.” or “At least you have food to cook” or “Wait until you have more children” etc. All true, but that doesn’t help me figure out a system for housekeeping, figuring out WHAT to cook, and how to manage my little ones! It’s my pet peeve because while it’s intentioned and meant to have the recipient think about being grateful for one’s blessings, I also think many mothers have a servant’s heart. We are trying to figure out the best ways to care for our families and that type of “reminder” just dismisses problems rather than validates how we feel about a situation.
Kate,
I don’t think you need to eat humble pie at all. And I am so very, very, very grateful for that original Faith and Family article because it was that article that initiated our correspondence and led to me discovering a very dear friend.
I don’t think very young children need to be at Mass. Mass is not an obligation for the parent if there are young children (or sick ones) at home. I took my babies with me to church from 10 days old on (my youngest in now 11yo) and,if I had it to do over, would definitely do differently. My children were actually very quiet at Mass, but I was continually distracted making sure they were quiet. I had no peace, no time to pray.
Yesterday, during the Consecration, a two year old was left kicking the wooden pew where her family was seated. Is it the “right” of the family to have that child in church? Is it the right of this family or any family to allow their children to disrupt the Holy Mass? Isn’t it rather the right of the people who have come to receive their Lord to focus on the Holy Mass without the disruption of young children?
What is gained by having pre-school children at Mass? Do the children benefit? I would argue no. They would benefit more by staying at home and having a time of prayer appropriate to their age. Do their parents benefit by having them at Mass? Again I would argue, no. Parents who are willing to keep their children home for the sake of their fellow parishoners are offering a great sacrifice of love, and this may be of greater benefit in the end to the parents than “soldiering on” through Mass with their tiny tots. Parents staying at home with their little ones will find more time for prayer and spiritual reading. They can offer spiritual communions and develop in their own hearts a greater longing for the Eucharist
What does love require? Yesterday’s homily was all about this. Our priest said our love is tested not by how much we love our families, because that comes quite easily and naturally to us. Our love is tested by our sacrifices to those outside our family, and in this context, it would be the parishoners in our parishes.
If a parent decides that it’s not beneficial for her children to be at Mass, fine. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not beneficial for other families. Attending Mass as a family has brought many graces to my family. It has been instrumental in catechizing my son about the Eucharist. And yes, it is my right to have him there as long as I prevent him from being disruptive.
You are right that young children do not have an obligation to be at Mass. And yes parents of young children are released from their Sunday obligation. But you are wrong in claiming they do not have a right to be there. They are baptized members of the Body of Christ and have just as much right to be at Mass as anyone else.
And I strongly disagree that a small toddler or an infant gets nothing out of being in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist or in participating in the celebration of the sacrifice of the Mass. God does not withhold graces from small children just because they are below the age of reason.
The graces we receive from the Eucharist are not at all dependent on our understanding of it. I have seen my children younger than 1 respond with awe and wonder at the Eucharist. I have seen them show much more reverence than people who are well old enough to know better. Toddlers who have been taught by loving parents can know that Jesus is present and they do receive graces. My toddlers have all clamored to be taken to Mass because they want to be with Jesus who they love.
My 8 month old recognizes basic prayers like the Hail Mary and Our Father and the sign of the cross his whole face lights up when people pray with him. He giggles when you help him to make the sign of the cross in a way that shows his joy at being helped to pray. And no, it isn’t just that you are paying attention to him. There is a difference in his reaction to prayer and his reaction to other forms of interaction with his family members.
Jesus said suffer the children to come unto me and unless you become like little children you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven. My children have all brought me closer to God and helped me enter more deeply into prayer because they come to Jesus with their whole hearts and they know nothing of bitterness or jealousy or scorn.
Now, I will concede that parents have an obligation to take a disruptive child out of Mass so that they don’t disrupt other people. But I think the default should be children going to Mass unless they are unable to avoid being disruptive.
Melanie B recently posted…A Space of My Own
I have to charitably agree with you, Kathy. My beliefs echo everything Melanie has written. Most priests I have spoken with have strongly encouraged me to bring even the smallest of children to Mass. The Body of Christ is not discriminatory. It was Jesus himself who said, “Let the little children come to me.” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with occasionally leaving little ones at home. I also agree that children who are acting out should be removed so as to not disturb others. Yet, my children have a “right” to be at Mass as much as anyone else, and I don’t want to ever get in the habit of not bringing my family to Mass just because it’s easier for me to focus on the Holy Mass.
Likewise,Pope Benedict XVI urges parents to make Sunday Mass a family affair. “Parents are called to make their children discover the value and importance of the response to Christ’s invitation, who calls the whole Christian family to Sunday Mass,” the pope said to a crowd in St. Peter’s Square on June 13, 2005. Note he said the whole Christian family, not just those old enough to behave or to receive the Eucharist.
Christians (at least if there anything like me) struggle with being distracted from the Lord from time to time whether they’re worshiping or not – and whether children at at Mass or not.
I know I do. During Mass my own children frequently distract me – not because they’re misbehaving but because I am hyper-vigilant to keep the focused and to not disturb those around us. This is one of the reasons I grow in grace at Mass and cultivate the virtue of patience.
However, I’ve been distracted by other things, too. A tone-deaf singer. The whooshing of an oxygen tank an elderly person who makes it to Mass despite her physical weakness. I’ve been to celebrations where my mind starts to wander when a priest gives a long, rambling Homily, or I’ve cringed when an organist hits the wrong note. It’s during times like these – when I’m not fully present – that I remind myself that these so-called distractions really aren’t the problem. The problem is me and my own failure to focus on Christ’s sacrificial love. And if I start blaming others, then I also may need to work on cultivating another virtue – that of charity where I start seeing others even that squawking child or slumped teenager as God sees them. They are just as worthy to be in the Lord’s presence as I am.
So how do I stay focused and take these distractions and sanctify them in some small way? It’s simple really. I consider whatever is distracting me and I turn it into a prayer just as St. Therese of Lisieux learned to do. She once said, “I have many distractions, but as soon as I am aware of them, I pray for those people, the thought of whom is diverting my attention. In this way they reap the benefit of my distraction.”
I ask the same of anyone who sees children as nothing more than insufferable distractions during Mass or other worship services. If we happen to notice a toddler pinching his baby sister or a mother endlessly rocking a fussy baby in church, let us rejoice that they have overcome the obstacles to get there. If we see a child misbehaving, let us pray for grace for the parents of the defiant child (and remember that everyone has bad days; a child who is behaving obnoxiously may be just having an off day). Or if a teenager wearing a skimpy outfit catches our eye, let us pray God will touch this young woman and reveal his love to her so that she won’t need to use her body to attract attention.
Let us not be distracted from our worship but instead may we reserve our judgment and instead pray for the very people who seem to be pulling us away from Christ.
Whenever we start excluding whole groups of people from belonging at Mass, we’re not acting in God’s interest. To quote my older article: “We are all one body.God longs for His whole family to gather around the table. In the breaking of the bread, we proclaim that we are one in God. Mass unites people from all walks of life and connects us with all our brothers and sisters in Christ. There is no room for intolerance at the table of the Lord.”
God bless.
Forgive the tired new mama: I obviously meant “I have to charitably disagree with you…” Sorry about that!
Note to self: Proofread your comments before hastily posting them. In the third paragraph, I made yet another typo. I should have writen “if they are anything like me.”
Kate Wicker recently posted…One Big, Happy Family
One more point that’s been stirring in my heart. Kathy, you write: “Parents staying at home with their little ones will find more time for prayer and spiritual reading. They can offer spiritual communions and develop in their own hearts a greater longing for the Eucharist.” I remember having to miss Easter Sunday Mass one year because I had a baby who was one week old, and my husband was working. It was a big sacrifice to only have a spiritual communion, and you’re right: It did create a deep longing in my soul for the Eucharist. I dressed my children up in the Easter outfits, and we watched Mass on EWTN. I offered it up. But to suggest that Catholic moms should make a spiritual communion the norm out of an act of charity seems harsh and unrealistic. What of the mom who is open to God’s plan for her family and who has a new baby every two years or perhaps even closer together? Should she seek spiritual communion for years and years instead of joining in on the Eucharistic Banquet with her children? Also, if a mom has younger children AND older children, do you suggest the entire family skips Mass and seeks spiritual union instead just in case the wee ones might disturb others? Martyrs of our Church’s past would rather die than be denied the Eucharist. I certainly think they would not stay away from Mass just because they had a fussy infant or other children.
I remember an African priest telling us how different Mass is here in the States – how in his part of the world, it’s a long celebration. Priests’ homilies last for an hour, and all children are welcome – nursing babies, little, Christians who can sometimes loudly yet joyfully sing. He was wonderful because when I’d go to daily Mass with my children and if one of them made a happy but loud noise, he’d say something like, “If only we all had that much joy for our Lord.” We can still be reverent with children in our midst. Sometimes, I’d argue, we’re more reverent with children nearby because they are less removed from the divine.
Those were just a few more thoughts I wanted to share.
God bless.
Kate Wicker recently posted…One Big, Happy Family
Kate, so true about distraction. This Sunday I had the rare opportunity to go to Mass alone while Dom stayed home with all four kids, who were sick with a cold. Conventional wisdom holds that freed from all those distractions I would have been freed to focus on God alone. But the truth is I was no less distracted than I am any other Sunday.
I kept thinking that I should be having some kind of wonderful contemplative experience without a big grabby baby in my arms and a toddler hanging off me and two squirmy girls needing redirection and things being dropped that needed retrieving and fusses needing to be soothed; but really I was just as distracted by my own chattering thoughts as I always am. In fact, perhaps a little more so. Almost as if having got used to the battle to pay attention I felt adrift without my customary counterweight. As if, too light and airy, I didn’t have anything to pull against. Or maybe the absence of little ones to blame for my lack of attention only threw my poor mental discipline into stark contrast?
In any case, I didn’t feel free, I felt lonely. I missed the heft of my Anthony and Dom’s calm presence and the brightness of the girls and Ben’s sweet solidness. There was a little wiggly boy sitting next to me who loudly prayed a Hail Mary as he knelt before Mass and who also chimed in loudly at the Our Father. Oh he really made me miss Bella. I wanted to congratulate his mother for her hard work in helping him to pray at Mass but they sadly left right after communion.
I love what you say about praying for those who distract us.
I think also there’s a danger in making myself the focus of Mass, worrying too much about what I’m getting out of it. If I get angry at other people, even babies or parents, for distracting me from Mass, maybe I’m making myself the object of my thoughts instead of God, focusing on _my_ experience, you could even say making an idol out of that experience.
For example, last Sunday we went to Mass with my in-laws at their parish. A mother with four teens came in late and sat in front of us. Two of the girls had their phones hidden up their sleeves and were taking them out and texting during Mass. I got so angry I was focused more on them than on the Mass. I let my anger get the best of me and while I was kneeling after communion I hissed out a reprimand to the girl in front of me. It was not done in a loving manner and I seriously doubt it will have helped her draw closer to God or to have a deeper understanding of the Mass. I told myself I was worried about her but was I really? Or was I more concerned with myself? Did I speak to her in a way that made her feel loved and welcome? No. What might I have done if I were really present to Christ? I wouldn’t have let her behavior upset me and perhaps by praying for her I might have found words of love from Christ to speak instead of my own words of anger.
Melanie B recently posted…A Space of My Own
Melanie, I agree. I always feel lonely when my children aren’t with me. I also find that I’m sometimes more distracted because I’ll see other children and start daydreaming about my own being with me to celebrate the beautiful liturgy!
Kate Wicker recently posted…One Big, Happy Family
When I had 3 kids under 5 I was suffering from a severe post partum depression. The fact that I could make it to Mass each week was a miracle. It would be mark for me that I had it thru another week. We were so grateful for the nursery our parish provided for kids ages 1 to 3. We used it when we needed to. It was very helpful. I didn’t think twice when you (or someone else in the comments) said that kids should always be at Mass with you. I have heard negative comments about nurseries. We did what worked best for us given our own circumstances.
Dear Beth,
I tried to email you directly, but it bounced back. I’m so sorry you had to struggle through such a dark period, and I do hope people in your situation never feel condemned when I write things about bringing children to Mass. I know the pain of PPD as I had after my third, and I remember feeling wounded and like I’d never be able to get my act together like all those other moms out there. In fact, I don’t think I realized at the time just how bad it was. Now that I’ve had another baby and don’t feel anything like I did during that dark postpartum period I realize that I should have sought help sooner. We do what we have to do. God knows our hearts. God bless you and prayers for grace and healing for anyone who has been mired down in the darkness of depression.