Back when I actually had time to regularly read blogs, I’d frequently see bloggers apologizing for the lack of substance in recent posts or even for an extended silence. I often, especially lately, feel like I should be apologizing, too, for having nothing pithy to say or for just posting only the most flattering photos of our most recent addition. When I was on bed rest, words just flowed from me. I felt inspired, and it showed. I also had a lot of help and more time to hash out my feelings.
But ever since Thomas was born, I’ve been in a writing and blogging rut. I have plenty of ideas, but I can’t seem to get them past the embryonic stage. I just don’t seem to have the energy, time, or creativity. I’ve also been napping more with our little man. None of my babies get the “it’s time to sleep through the night” memo, so my nights can be long, my shuteye fragmented. I’ve found what restores me right now more than anything is taking an afternoon snooze with Thomas. It’s been good for the older girls to have quiet time, too. None of the girls nap anymore. If they do, they won’t go to sleep until after 10 pm. I marvel at children who take two to three hour naps and fall asleep by 8 p.m. at night. My kids just aren’t like that. I have a friend, who is a doctor like my husband, who once told me that that’s what I get for marrying a man who could survive the crazy, 90-hour workweeks of residency and on-call nights without getting forty, much less one wink, of sleep. Just last weekend he worked over 40 hours in three days and that was after a long week of regular work. He can get by without much sleep. The same seems to be true of one of my kids in particular, and none of the rest have been amazing sleepers. Both my 2-year-old and 4-year-old still get up in the middle of the night a few times a week.
So there’s the lack of sleep thing that keeps me from writing more frequently (or more brilliantly). There’s also been a lot of marketing opportunities for my book and related new writing projects coming my way, many of which I’ve had to reluctantly turned down. I’ve joked with more than one editor that I probably shouldn’t even think about taking on any new regular writing gigs or writing a second book until taking a shower becomes non-negotiable.
I can’t keep up with laundry anymore either. It’s endless. That heap of unwashed clothes taunts me.
Where do the hours of my day go to? To my children. To my nursling. To my husband.
Honestly, I’m not unhappy writing less in this space, but I do feel guilty. I enjoyed my brief blogging hiatus, but I felt like a slacker, too. I’ve recently picked up a few new blog readers who generously told me they enjoyed some of my posts. It always bring me joy to discover that my words resonate with people or that people find a morsel of inspiration in the thicket of my verbosity. I thanked them for encouraging me.
Then I started apologizing. “I used to write so much more. I’m sorry I don’t write much, and I’m sorry I ramble and have typos sometimes.”
Shortly after Thomas was born, I was desperately trying to churn out a blog post while he slept. My Rae-Rae stood beside me and asked what I was doing,
“Writing,” I told her without taking my eyes off of the screen.
“Why?” she asked.
Why, indeed.
At that moment, I wasn’t writing because I felt inspired. I wasn’t writing to cement a precious moment with my children forever in my journal or in cyberspace. I wasn’t writing to help supplement our income or to add to our children’s college funds. I wasn’t writing as a means of catharsis or prayer. Frankly, I wasn’t sure why I was writing at that exact moment when I felt tired and had a stuffy nose from a cold. I just felt like I needed to get a blog post out there. It had been too long. My handful of everyday, regular readers (whom I really and truly am very, very grateful for) would want to hear from me, right? I owed it to Google Reader to produce something new.
Kids ask tough questions. They force you to look at yourself, your motivations, your habits. Instead of apologizing to others, many of them strangers, for my uninspired writings, my dearth of posts, or my inability to take on any new writing projects right now, maybe I should be saying sorry to my family for forgetting that they are my number one priority. It’s necessary for me to take care of myself in order to be a good mother, but exercise, prayer, writing (bad) poetry – these are the pursuits that are just for me, not for any audience other than maybe God. Blogging is not obligatory. I seriously doubt I’ll ever be a professional blogger. I’m too long-winded. I’m not a talented photographer, and I don’t even make beautiful things (besides children) to photograph; and I don’t write about enough controversial topics (other than reasons for nursing a toddler, perhaps). Sometimes I write to get paid; not so long ago I had to write for an income to get us through some very lean years. But that’s not why I write in this space. I blog to inspire, to encourage myself and others, to make people laugh, to laugh at myself, to remember, to grow spiritually, to sift through my mountain of feelings. But I don’t want to write out of a self-imposed obligation or out of guilt. I don’t want to squeeze in blogging at the expense of my family.
I hope you, O faithful remnant, will be patient and stick around, but I can’t promise to be a prolific blogger. Not now when there are so many other works in progress vying for my time, energy, and attention. And their stories keep changing; these littles keep me on my toes. I wonder how some women do it all. Then again, there have been people tell me they wonder how I do it all (a good, dependable babysitter helps, and she’s just returned to us from an almost month-long break.). Sometimes I make sacrifices, and sometimes those sacrifices – like ignoring a four-year-old’s request for a story on my lap or nursing while typing instead of just nursing while staring at the wonder of my little boy – just aren’t worth it. I don’t want to wake up 20 years from now with grown children and a heart full of regret. These children of mine are growing and changing with every stroke of the keyboard. It’s up to me to make every second count.
Loved this! I am in agreement in so many ways. I love blogging but I am not willing to let my family suffer (or my sleep) for it. I promise to keep reading even if it is only now and then. Sometimes having long blogging breaks makes the post you eventually write more full of good stuff to read!
Misty recently posted…7 Quick Takes {on 2012 and technology]
I think it’s always a struggle. Sometimes I go through days when I have a post idea every second; other times it seems like a chore. To blog also means to give up what might be the only personal time I have all day — which is sometimes ok, but is sometimes a sacrifice. And there’s that need to keep a blog current — esp. if you are somewhat of a writer — that keeps gnawing at you. I used to write for papers, and I always think of the line, “Yesterday’s news is tomorrow’s fish and chip paper.” Maybe it’s that career drive that always lives within all of us, even when we’re happy at-home moms — or that artistic drive. It’s hard to not be competing out there, or joining the stage, with the rest of the writers. To prove that we can still pull our weight. That we’re not gone!
Personally, while I love everything you write – I really enjoy the little, tiny snippets of something funny one of the kids says or just pictures – especially of Thomas since he’s changing so much!! I will ALWAYS check your blog, even when you are less than prolific!
Kate, I love it when posts from you popup in my reader; but I understand all too well all the claims on your time. Priorities shift and you need to juggle so many little balls. Write for yourself, when you need to write, not for any of us readers. We’ll still be here. And don’t compare yourself to other bloggers. Your situation is different; your obligations and needs are different. Just love on those beautiful kiddos of yours and when you really have time pop up a few photos so we can see their sweet little faces.
Melanie B recently posted…The Journey of the Magi
Kate, your posts are so delightful that I’m sure I’m not the only one who will take them when they are given.
Victoria recently posted…Trying Tot School
This just made me feel better about my whole week. As a writer myself, I spend a lot of time working on things freelance to help my family and bring in some money. But, along the way I have picked up non-paying writing on websites and my own blog. These things stress me out and add to an already long list of things to to. Just this week I have decided I just can’t do things anymore unless I get paid – because if I am going to be taking time away from my kids it needs to be serving to our family – that’s our place in life right now. So, why do I have this guilt? :) Bless you and take a nap with that little one! That’s always the first part of the “baby time” I miss when they start to grow.
Holly recently posted…Are You a "Santa Family?"
Holly, I’ve have said something very similar when I’ve been approached with non-paying writing assignments. I owe my family my time first and the way I see it, if someone or some project wants to take me away from them, I need to be compensated at least in some small way. The irony is I never would have felt very much guilt when I was a secular journalist if I had been approached to write for free. However, when I’m writing about my faith or trying to spread the Good News, I can start to feel guilty like I should do as much as I can. But I still know my primary vocation is to be a wife and mother. I must serve them first as you said and then use my writing to help serve them in other ways. I’m rambling as is my custom lately, but I really can relate to your comment. God bless.
I read you and I’m thrilled whenever you blog even if it’s been a while. I do understand how you feel. I haven’t blogged much since the beginning of the fall. Homeschooling one child, surgery for another child, and just in general feeling tired and uninspired, I haven’t had much to say nor much time in which to say it. I spent a little time fretting about it, and then I realized, “hey, I have a handful of readers, I don’t monetize my blog or get money for it, so why am I stressing?” Be at peace. Whenever you do write, there will be somebody here to read what you have to say and to be glad of it.
Kimberlie recently posted…Our Children’s Future College
I am with Kris all the way!
Also – I agree…why this pressure to apologize for our own space on the web – but I do it too!! Good for you for making this a practice to overcome and inspiring us to do it too!
:) LOVE you!
ViolinMama recently posted…Comments I didn’t need today.
Awww…you guys are all so supportive. Thank you so much.
Love your blog and love reading about your goings-on with your littles:) But I really love this post!! You know why? Because my youngest (of 5) is 5 months and I have never napped with him:( I’m going to do just that tomorrow! Here’s to you, Kate! I will be a better mother tomorrow because I have read your blog:)
God bless!
i’ve had insomnia during this pregnancy so your stories have kept me entertained! this post is so true…it’s weird to feel guilty about not blogging and then I wonder why–who’s reading it and who is begging for another story or game of hide and go seek. love your blogs but there’s no pressure from one of your new readers. :)
yes yes and more yes
My one real resolution this year is to write only when inspired
priest’s wife recently posted…for your edification
Now that I have a blog reader instead of visiting blogs individually, I never mind when bloggers don’t update. I don’t really notice, to be honest. I just see them pop up again in my reader and think, “Oh, how nice, more of this blog!”
That’s why I no longer apologize. I’m pretty sure people weren’t hovering around my site. If they’re subscribed, they’ll soon be back when I start posting again.
Whether you write more or less often, I hope you will do so according to YOUR priorities. I also wanted to chime in about WHY I love to read your blog. I have 4 daughters, now ranging in age from 22 down to 11. I have a grand-daughter who is 6 months old. I parented in such a way that I also had nursing toddlers, and I was in the trenches for so long both having fun and working so hard to be in the moment with each of my girls, that I only sporadically took photos or journaled. Now that I work as a private practice lactation consultant, I have an opportunity to inspire mothers as much as I help them solve their problems. I read your blog because your words describe the challenges, the beauty and the richness of healthy motherhood. And, you take me back to that “in the trenches” time where I can reflect on what really mattered at different ages and stages. Thank you!