The best detox ever!

For me, it’s more like “Die negative thoughts die! Die hate die! Die every single meal plan that demonizes food and calories die! Die body comparisons die! Die fat phobic culture die! Die “New Year, New You” propaganda die! I’m just fine with my good-enough self. Thank you very much.

I received an email yesterday (among others that promised a new me in the new year) encouraging me to invite a friend to detox along with me. For the record: I never signed up for any sort of detox and in fact, I am right now trying to rid my inbox of  any newsletter that has to do with losing weight, “healthy” lifestyles, etc, especially since I don’t recall ever even signing up for many of them online or otherwise. But still. I’m going to take this email’s unsolicited advice and detox (just not in the way they mapped out for me).

And, lucky you, I’m also going to do as they encourage and invite a few friends to detox with me.

So here I am entreating each and every one of you to join me in this incredible detox journey!

Come January 1st – or why wait? Let’s be crazy-happy gunners and start today, this very moment in fact! Let’s join together and detox from the diet culture, from any plan – food or otherwise – that promises a better, new you.

Let’s not jump on the bandwagon of making any goals that revolve around our appearance, how much we weigh, how much weight we carry in the middle or anywhere else.

Let’s detox ourselves from any kind of social media or people in real life who might trigger in us any form of body angst, food obsession, feelings of inadequacy about our weight, what we choose to put into our mouths, our mothering, our jobs, the size of our waistlines, bank accounts, or even the size of our families, and/or any other negative emotion.

Let’s not buy into the same-old fable we tell ourselves every single January that if we learn to be more like So-and-So, we will finally be happier, more fulfilled, more faithful, a mother to be lauded, and well, just plain better.

Whom have you longed to become more like? The friend from church who seamlessly homeschools her children and never loses her patience (in front of you or on social media)? Or maybe the pal who gives birth to babies who sleep through the night by eight weeks? Or is it the mom with the “perfect,” reticent, and well-mannered kids who make your own sparkly children look like the spawn of Satan?

Or maybe you worship (and envy) the mom on Instagram who has a great handle. And I’m not just talking about her clever Instagram handle but her handle on every single facet of life. Really, how does she decorate her house like that? And that fresh quinoa kale salad studded with pomegranate seeds? Did she say she grew that kale in her backyard garden? And don’t get me started on her perfect hair. Talk about a crown of glory! Also, how does she have enough money to buy all those chic shoes and that beautiful, marbled area rug in her pristine living room? And, what a surprise, she regularly volunteers at the homeless soup kitchen!  Meanwhile back at the ranch, which isn’t a cool dude ranch or anything but just a 1980s split level home that’s desperately in need of a new roof, you’re just trying to not sob over the laundry basket of mismatched socks.

Or maybe, dear reader, your personal holy grail is the fit woman who piles her plates with greens and is a regular gym-goer. Look at her toned body! She’s healthy! She’s not too thin! I won’t diet ever again. I’ll just eat clean and exercise until I have abs, too! (Everyone has abs. Some just aren’t revealed because we don’t have the genetics or the time or the money or the access to the kinds of food that make abs appear.)

Alternatively, perhaps you admire and want to be more like the body positivity queen who proudly posts photos of her plus-sized body and highlights her cellulite and dimples and round belly. But pause for a moment here. I wonder if even the body positivity movement, which while inspiring and certainly needed when we have so many #fitspo as well as thin, fashion models or airbrushed Hollywood starlets constantly in our faces, is still making the shape of our bodies too much of an emphasis instead of highlighting what we can do with those bodies. And I’m not talking about push-ups or weighted squats but rather how we can use our hands and feet and voices to serve others and to dole out kindness. We can do that whether we naturally have curves or not.

Or what about all those women who join the post-holiday detox movement whether they jump on the Whole 30 bandwagon or drink green juice for three days with a side of kombucha? Are they your role models? Your paragon for healthy living and measured self-control? What if you do that, too, will you finally find the prized key to happiness?

Nope.

Happiness is not found in trying to be like someone else, emulating others’ highly curated social media feeds, turning your admiration for good friends into adoration, or dieting, or detoxing from certain foods.

Will you feel better after Whole 30? Maybe. But will you never be able to eat sugar, grains, dairy, and wine ever again?  I know that’s not the point of the program, and that it’s about resetting your body, but maybe the only reset we need after a holiday that includes a little over-indulging is simply a return to honoring our innate hunger cues and to being grateful for seasons of joy like the 12 Days of Christmas that are supposed to be celebrating with fun and feasting.

And have you considered why you might be craving a reset in the first place? Maybe it has more to do with the break in your routine and the craziness of the holidays than what you put on your plate. Do you really need a set of rigid food rules or a detox diet to do return to your life’s more typical rhythm? (Your liver is actually very adept at detoxing on its own.)

How about working on getting more sleep to help you reset? Maybe you could go to bed an hour earlier, or stop the Instagram scrolling as soon as the sun goes down.

Or maybe your reset could involve starting your day with prayer again or perhaps for the first time ever.

Cultivate gratitude to get you out of your funk; you don’t have to give up cheese, your evening glass of wine, or chocolate to detox. Maybe you just need more God.

Are you still not sold? Do you still want to detox or reset with your Whole 30 peeps? Okay, well, let’s consider that food can be medicine and eating the “right” food can help your body feel its best. But doesn’t nearly all medicine come with some side effects – often unwanted ones? Some side effects can be pretty lousy even if you do see some benefits. You have to weigh the risks of taking certain medicine with the benefits. Well, have you ever even stopped to consider the risks that come with detoxing dieting plans? Have you taken into account the emotional side effects of deprivation, of not enjoying some of your favorite food all for the sake of health? And aren’t we supposed to in this advanced day and age embrace holistic health, which recognizes the importance of a person’s emotional health as well as her physical sense of well-being? Maybe you’ll sleep better and temporarily have more energy, but at what cost? (And do some people perhaps sleep better while embracing plans like Whole 30 simply because they’re not getting enough carbohydrates and are just plain exhausted?)

Will you be tempted to binge after you come off of your detox or your 30 days of eating “perfectly”?

And what if you slip up before your 30 days are over and eat one bite of pizza? Just one bite. One lick of a spoon with creamy ice cream on it, and the blaring red “FAILURE” siren starts to wail. Will you feel like a failure instead of considering Whole 30 failed you? Will a plan like this with all its health promises and its marketing banter that it leads to food freedom really make you think less about food and more about other things in life that deserve your attention – like kindness and reading good literature? Or will you become obsessed about food – what you can and can’t eat, what’s good for you and what’s not, which legumes are okay and which ones are to be avoided the Wicker children avoid bedtime? Will you be so fearful of the food police and what you cannot eat that you will avoid social situations where off-limit food will be available? Will you become a short-order cook and not gather together around the table because you can’t serve your kids or maybe even your spouse what you’re eating? Do you really believe grains*** and legumes are evil or maybe not evil but bad, bad, bad for you body? Why? Because some website or Instagrammer anecdotally told you so? What about the science? And have you balanced all of you’ve read about the evils of certain foods with other media, research, or books like this?

Why does the Whole 30 website not cite one single scientific study to back up any of its claims? Yet, we know legumes are good for digestive health because they’re high in fiber. We know high-fiber foods help stabilize sugar. There are studies that provide evidence for these facts. But what about that big, bad boy named Sugar? Shouldn’t we detox from that highly addictive, candy-coated lucifer?

I used to think I was addicted to sugar until I started diving into Intuitive Eating. Would you believe that not so long ago I saw Reese’s Fast Break Candy Bars on sale, and I bought one for myself (I’m not sure I’ve ever bought a candy bar for myself)? And then I forgot about it. I forgot about it! When I discovered in my purse days later, I told myself that if I felt like it later, I’d enjoy it. Later that day I did feel like it, so I ate it. And then I waited because I’d always been “addicted” anything Reese’s before. I’d eat a Reese’s PB cup, and I’d immediately want another one or something else sugary-sweet. But not today. Nope. I thought, “Well, that was tasty. Now it’s time to move on with my life.” And so I did. Mind over matter. Intuition over compulsion.

How was I no longer an addict? Maybe because the addiction was not physiological but emotional. Perhaps in the past, I’d been so afraid that was the last time I’d ever be able to enjoy a Reese’s Peanut Butter treat that I’d stuff my face and become out of control around it. But as soon as I gave myself unconditional permission to buy a candy bar and to enjoy it, it lost some of its allure. Sugar Daddy just doesn’t look as good as he once did.

And while I’m on this tangent, how can we compare sugar to something addictive like cigarettes? We know tobacco is bad and nicotine is highly addictive, but as Registered Dietician Jessi Haggerty points out in Episode 49 of her “The Body Love Project” podcast,  we have to ask ourselves if sugar really is as harmful as something like tobacco – harmful enough to eliminate completely from our dietary life? Maybe sugar isn’t the demon the media portrays it to be, at least not when eaten as a part of diverse diet. Haggerty wisely points out the harmful effects of things like alcohol and tobacco are dose dependent! Smoking one cigarette a year is going to have an entirely different effect on a person’s health than smoking a pack a day, for example. Same is true for Sugar Daddy. Eating a cookie after dinner – even if you do it every single night of your life – is not the same as eating donuts for breakfast, cake for lunch, and ice cream for dinner. And if you enjoy that cookie and try to eliminate it for 30 or however many days, just be prepared to one day – even if it takes months or even years – morph into a total cookie monster at some point down the road.

(***Please note this discussion is in no way targeted at those with celiac disease or any true food allergy, etc., but I know many women who have convinced themselves they’re “allergic” to certain foods or a type of food is “bad” for them and should be completely banned from their eating life when what they’re really allergic to and what is really bad for them is their fear of getting fat.)

Now forgive my rant. I know there are plenty of people who anecdotally sing the praises of body detoxes and/or Whole 30. I’m not saying these people are bad. I am just hoping every single person who comes across this post will learn to look at plans such as Whole 30 more critically and will be empowered to make an informed decision.

Above all, I want you to stop and consider this: Will you really find long-lasting happiness in the contents (or lack of contents) of your refrigerator and pantry?

Will you find joy in investing so much time in money in a better you when a good-enough-you is already right here ready to share her passions, love, hope, and faith with a hungry world?

My brand of detox goes something like this: I will not subscribe to any form of dieting even if it’s marketed as a “healthy, clean” way of eating or even if it promises to reset or re-balance my body and digestive system (***please see above again).

Interestingly, some of the very symptoms that many of these health meal plans promise to get rid of can also be attributed to anxiety and yo-yo dieting! Maybe the reason your gut is all out of whack has nothing to do with the grains you’re eating and everything to do with the anxiety you have over what you can and cannot or should or should not put into your mouth. Or maybe your tummy is a little off-kilter because you ate “clean” for one month but then found yourself feeling “crazy” around food the next month, so you ended up eating dessert (and lots of it!) after spending all that time in the barren food desert.

There’s more detoxing to be done. I will also work on silencing the food police and continue down my path of intuitive eating. I will not buy into the insidious belief that being fat is the worst thing I or you or anyone can be. How about being as afraid of being hateful, prejudiced, spiritually lukewarm, unkind, selfish, and greedy as so many of us are of gaining weight or of staying at the same miserable weight?

I will not even make my “health” and the fact that I am blessed to have good health and to likewise have “good,” healthy stats like low blood pressure (things that are really something that I don’t have a whole lot of control over) as a sign of my superiority or my goodness.

I will detox from this “image is everything” culture we live in and how we pay far too much attention to the “outside cup” (Matthew 23:36). As I detox from this, I will make more room for things that truly make a difference. I will pay more attention to filling the “inside cup” – the stuff of kindness and recognizing dignity in all people no matter their income or their ability to buy only “real” food organically produced. I refuse to see anyone who is able to eat only “whole” foods as somehow morally superior to those who buy processed food or can’t even afford to drink organic milk.

I pray for the starving children in Yemen the next time I find myself tempted to obsess over what I should or shouldn’t eat.

I will clear my social media feeds from even the most well-meaning accounts unless they trigger anything but gratitude, encouragement, and/or inspiration in me and for me.

I will detox from worrying about what others think about me or how to get others to love me and instead focus on a list that goes something like this:

Things I can do to make God love me more:

1.

2.

3.

Things I can do to make God love me less:

1.

2.

3.

{UPDATED TO ADD: A kind reader sent me a message saying she loved my post, but she gently reminded me that God IS love, and there’s nothing we can do to earn that love. Overachievers like myself might have mistaken the above as a fill-in-the-blank exercise! I should have thought of that! However, my intent by leaving it blank was to make the exact point the reader conveyed to me – to remind myself and all of you that God doesn’t need a self-improvement plan or a list of ways we are going to make Him love us more or notice us or whatever. We are His beloved children. He loved us first, and that love isn’t going anywhere no matter what we do or don’t do. His love isn’t there for the earning, but it is there for the taking. So open yourselves up to it now and always. }

I will detox from engaging in social media ping pong conversations that go back and forth and are such time-sucking and sometimes soul-sucking black holes. I ended up with pneumonia over Christmas. At first we thought it was “just” RSV from the baby until I went to the doctor and the antibiotics made a huge difference. During my quarantined, sick time, I ended up partaking in two extended social media dialogues since I had a rest-mandate, and one involved politics. This “chat” resulted in me saying something snarky to someone after explaining my point-of-view politely and charitably with several other people. This someone happened to be someone who hadn’t even left a biting remark in response to me and was also a fellow mom who told me she was a fan of my work. Imagine the guilt I experienced. First, I rarely engage in these kinds of social media discussions. Second, I always, always try to avoid snark and to treat everyone – even those I disagree with – with charity. Third, this person didn’t even disagree with me! She was just asking a question! Well, my sick-induced crankiness got the best of me, and I left the conversation not feeling “right” or “justified” or “vindicated,” or anything other than guilty and angry at myself of engaging.  These types of exchanges are something I have avoided at all costs for a long time, and I was quickly reminded why. These kind of debates are just draining to me, and only result in negative emotions. So good-bye Internet debates!

I will detox from the idea that I can’t be the exact woman I am called to be if I don’t engage in New Year’s boot camp of reinvention and tireless self-improvement. New year, new you? This is impossible for each and every one of us. Why? Because with each new year, we are a year older. New year, older you! Yes, I’m an older me and with God’s grace,  may 2018 shape me into an older and wiser me! I also will try to detox from comparing my life, my body, my children, my prayer life, the state of my minivan (so not clean), or my home with anyone else’s and instead be grateful for all that I get right and have and am able to clean as well as to give thanks for others strengths and blessings.

I will not snark on anyone who does choose to do something that I believe is entrenched in the diet culture because I’ve been that person, too. For a long time. In fact, I won’t snark on anyone at all for any reason. None of us has much in life figured out.

Finally, I refuse to subscribe to any “shoulds” this year. I should exercise more. I should read this or that book. I should eat more protein. I should run faster and/or cover more mileage. I should be a more fun mom who does elaborate crafts with my kids every day. I should homeschool again. I should origami fold our dish towels into swans (just kidding – I’ve never been that crazy or felt like I should do something as ridiculous as that.)

No shoulds!  However, this year I will choose to read books that nourish my soul, my mind, and sometimes just my hedonistic side of my heart.

I will choose to exercise because it makes me feel good. I will choose to have fun with my kids because, well, they’re fun, and it’s also fun to have fun with my crazy kiddos.

I will choose to pray about schooling choices, but I refuse to be do anything out of fear or guilt and to instead just trust and know that nothing has to be for forever when it comes to my children’s education.

I will choose to fuel my body with good food, and good food sometimes means avocado spread on whole grain toast or spinach, but sometimes good food means a candy bar or onion rings.

I will choose to approach anyone who might be practicing a dietary detox or on Whole 30 with compassion because not so long ago I was tempted to do all of these things because it was enticing to have black and white rules and a plan instead of trusting my body and knowing that it might need to be at a higher weight or a bigger size than I’d like or wanted or hoped. I will, as my nutrition coach reminded me after she was inspired by another one of her clients, to stay in my own lane and be safe, and encourage others but also know that we all have to figure things out for ourselves, and I can drive out of my lane in an attempt to save everyone else. That might just lead to a crash (an argument, a lost friend). Instead, I have to keep my eyes on the road ahead and to lead by example and yes, to continue to try to empower and educate, but to also recognize that everyone has the freedom to make their own informed choices and to choose their own lane on this difficult journey.

I will choose to pray not for changes in my life circumstances but for a change within me. I will choose to see others through the lens of compassion and charity. I will choose to have living room dance parties. I will choose to date my husband because he loves me for me and doesn’t want a new me. I will choose to enjoy the new and adventurous teen years with my oldest child while savoring these fleeting nursing baby days with my youngest, and I’ll enjoy all the littles in between and all their quirks and individual ages.

I will choose to forgive myself when my detoxing plan doesn’t go so well and not embrace an “all or nothing” mindset. If I’m a jerk to someone who cuts me off while driving, I’ll take a deep breath and try to be extra kind and charitable to my family or others. If I eat a salad not because I like salads (which I do) or feel like a salad (which I often do) but as an act of penance because I chose sleep over exercise or because I indulged on a few too many pieces of chocolate, then I’ll recognize that that wasn’t the best move. Eating healthy or exercising shouldn’t be penitential. And eating food that’s not as nutritious shouldn’t be a reward for being “good” in my dietary life. I will try to listen to my body and honor its hunger cues and be grateful that I have access to delicious chocolate!

If I am tempted to run too many miles too quickly and then feel my hamstring or hips talking to me, I will try to resist. Yet, if I push myself too hard (which I’m prone to do), then I’ll take a day of rest and know that all is not lost. I will accept that maybe I’ll never get to the Boston Marathon, and perhaps I will never again be a long-distance runner, but I can be a-grateful-for-any-distance-I-can-run runner.

When and if (who am I kidding? No if is necessary here; it will happen) I raise my voice at my children, I will say I’m sorry and start again and know that their mercy is almost as wide as God’s.

If I end up spending too much time on social media, then I’ll sign off, forgive myself, and write or read a good book or pray an equal amount of time but if a child interrupts me, I will welcome the interruption because this is my life, and my life can be a hymn of goodness and gratitude (with some off-key notes here and there because my life is messy and broken and so am I).

When I catch a glimpse of my reflection in a mirror or when I see a photo taken of me, and the body image angst returns, I will try to stop it, but I’ll also consent that everyone has bad days. When I’m really feeling down on myself and my choices, I will stop the navel-gazing and look for ways to think about others and to serve them.

This 2018 is a year of a new kind of detoxing for me. Won’t you join along? All we have to do is to try to give the best of our good-enough selves, and then forgive ourselves when we don’t.

It’s going to be an amazing year!