For many, the term “eating disorder” conjures up an image of an Auschwitz-thin woman, all angles. Or maybe they envision someone binging on three large pizzas and finishing them off with a few pints of ice cream. But chances are you know someone with an eating disorder. At least 30 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder in the U.S., according to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. But many of these people may be walking around in “average-sized” bodies. You may even view them as the epitome of health since they’re committed to exercise and what looks like healthy eating.
You see that young woman in red the above photo? She doesn’t look dangerously thin. She has shiny hair. She’s smiling. She’s in a parade for the UGA homecoming court and is on the cusp of graduating summa cum laude in three years with highest honors with a journalism degree from the University of Georgia. She doesn’t look sick. But she was still making herself throw up after what would be considered a healthy, typical meal. She was exercising – not out of joy or gratitude for her body but out of compulsion.
Now take a look at the photo above. That’s me in high school at Disney World. All my friends thought I was happy. In fact, something that’s so hard about all of this sharing is there are people on social media who follow me and never knew the inner demons I wrestled. When others see this photo, they see a teen on a fun trip, a teen who was making straight As and was overachieving at every step of the way and smiling while doing it. No one would have ever guessed that this same girl took an entire box of laxatives before the trip because she felt so fat and wanted to “feel” good on her vacation. For the record: Laxatives never make anyone feel good. And neither does an eating disorder. It tears you apart and leaves you whittled down to skeletal version of yourself whether figuratively or literally.
In many ways, I was lucky. I woke up a few weeks before college graduation, throat raw from vomiting, hollowed-out and depressed and tired of pretending everything was okay when it was far from it. So I sought help at a multidisciplinary treatment center, and I received help because I was diagnosed with a clinical eating disorder.
But what about the women who have disordered thoughts about eating and their bodies but not an “official” eating disorder? The obsessive organics who can’t ever eat anything that isn’t on their approved list of healthy foods? Or the countless women who feel like failures because they eat bread (and other “bad” carbs) or fail at Whole 30 or other “wellness/lifestyle” plans? Or all the prepubescent girls who are already on a diet right now? The person who “casually” restricts, who tells her rumbling stomach to just shut up because it can’t possibly be hungry again already? What about the college student who lives off beer, cigarettes and laxatives interspersed with an occasional meal? What about the woman who absolutely cannot miss a workout? Are they not sick as well?
Frankly, I’m tired of the term “eating disorder.” Many women will never make themselves vomit or starve themselves to the point of emaciation. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have a problem. It’s becoming exceedingly rare to find a woman who loves her body (all the time, not just when she’s “successful” with her diet and/or fitness plan). This is a tragedy.
It’s time all women – mothers, sisters, grandmothers, wives, girlfriends – take it upon themselves to stop the self-loathing and the “lookism” permeating in our culture. It’s time we help our children develop positive body images and not support media that perpetuate unhealthy and unnatural bodies. It’s time we move our bodies for the joy of it rather than in an effort to achieve some aesthetic ideal It’s time we start living our lives as if we believe our worth is much deeper than our dress size.
As a woman who once was at war with her body, trust me on this one. A fixation with weight only robs you of your inner peace and health. Weight loss, my wonderful solution to my problems and my pain, didn’t work. Even when the scale is cheering you on to lose more weight – it is only a hollow, ephemeral espousal that knows nothing of true happiness.
The more fixated I was on myself and my body, the more miserable I became. But when I looked beyond myself, my own pain was put in perspective and I could transform it into a tool to minister to others. Stop looking at the mirror. Instead, look at the window to the world. I truly believe food obsessed, body obsessed, and exercised obsessed equates to oppressed. It makes you a prisoner. It means your at the mercy of the diet and wellness industry that longs for you to continue failing so they can continue making money. Your body is not something to be controlled, mastered, and exploited. Whether you are actually “fat” or you perceive yourself to be fat, turn yourself over to grace. Accept that God designed human beings to come in all sizes. And for today why not try to reconnect with your many gifts that have nothing to do with how much you weigh or how much you eat – your feminine genius – gifts like your power to nurture, to offer compassion, and build relationships.